Delays...Again

How does one parent a supposedly normally developing child who is born into a family directly after a child with special needs?  It often seems that a parent has one of two options - to over-think and evaluate every little detail of this child's life, constantly agonizing over whether this child is following a normal pattern, or to tell oneself that everything is fine and brush off any concerns under the assumption that a doctor's clean bill of health is sufficient assurance that there is nothing to fear.

What is not commonly known is that the knowledge of developmental sequences we have learned in raising Wesley has enabled us to identify concerns in Liam's development that we otherwise would have most likely missed.  Knowing what developmental progressions look like has been both a blessing and a curse as we have followed Liam much more closely than we would have preferred to do, noting delays and praying that God would give us wisdom to know if we are overreacting or if our concerns are legitimate.

As I previously wrote, our fight for faith began when Liam was first born.  He followed in his brother's footsteps, unable to nurse for his first two weeks of life.  Then, when Liam was a month old, Wesley's physical therapist commented that Liam seemed delayed in his gross motor skills.  She gave us exercises to do with him and encouraged us to work with him daily with the hope of avoiding the necessity of calling Early Intervention for a physical therapy evaluation.  After several months of working faithfully with him, we were relieved to see him start sitting up at six months.

But just as Liam seemed to catch up with his gross motor skills, red flags started showing up with feeding and fine motor skills.  We persevered in attempting to feed him solids for two months while listening to others tell us that it was not at all uncommon for children to take their time in learning to eat and that we were only concerned because of our previous experiences with Wesley.  We wavered often, wondering if the signs that something was wrong that seemed so obvious to us were really just misguided fears influenced by the past. Were we exaggerating his delays, or were our concerns justified?  After asking God for wisdom and talking with multiple feeding therapists, we decided to bring Liam in for an evaluation on Friday.

As I look back, I am ashamed to say that I did not prepare my heart beforehand for what I might discover.  Instead of praying and asking God to give me peace and joy amid my circumstances, I spent my time preparing for the practicals - finding childcare for my two big boys, packing spoons and bibs, gathering different flavors and textures of purees and finger foods, and filling out pages of forms.

But again, as He always has, God showed Himself to be faithful despite my faithlessness. Throughout the evaluation and even in sharing the results with others afterward, God filled my heart with peace.  As the feeding therapist confirmed my suspicions of both feeding and fine motor delays, God enabled me to trust Him.  This news was no surprise to God.  And while it wouldn't be the way I would plan out my son's life, my heart was filled with peace with the knowledge that God has ordained every one of my son's days.  And more than that, He loves my son.

As I walked out of the therapy center with my precious baby, the words to an old children's song came to mind:  "Second verse, same as the first, but worse."  But yet, it wasn't worse. While my heart was saddened by the news, I was also very aware of how much God has worked in my heart over the past three years.  This time, my heart naturally turned to trust in God's steadfast love.  There was no struggle and fight to see God's goodness or to believe His promises.  Instead I was able to sing to the Lord and see that He truly had dealt bountifully with me.

So Liam will start weekly feeding therapy next week, and we will continue to observe him for a few more weeks before pursuing an occupational therapy evaluation.

And even in this, I see how God's plan is perfect and how His purposes for us are for our good. My big boys will be starting school in two weeks, which will open up several hours each morning to pursue therapy for Liam and to work with him uninterrupted.  While I had looked forward to several hours of free time each morning, I am again reminded that my time is not my own but the Lord's, to use as He sees fit.  And I am truly thankful that God has provided me with this lull in an otherwise hectic schedule to care for my baby.

But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.  I will sing to the Lord because he has dealt bountifully with me.  Psalm 13:5-6

Picture Board Shenanigans

So, I've noticed my big brother has this really cool board with lots of pictures velcroed to it.

Mommy and Daddy try to keep it organized for him so that he always knows where his picture cards are.  This way he can give them cards to tell them what he wants.

But see, I recently figured out that it is lots of fun to crawl over to to his picture board and pull the pictures off one by one.

I inspect each card, taste it, and then toss it aside to find another another card that better suits my fancy.

I don't understand why Mommy keeps scooping me up, moving me away, and then putting the pictures back on.  I mean, what's a boy to do?

The Land of Narnia - Part 2

Click here to read Part 1.

While Zach is thoroughly enjoying listening to The Chronicles of Narnia and dreaming of battles and knights, I believe that I have benefited far more from the stories this time around.

As an adult, having now experienced more of what it means to live as a Christian in this world, I am ever more grateful for C. S. Lewis and these words he has written.  As I listen to The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, my heart grasps, even just a bit more, the depth of the pain and sorrow that Jesus experienced as He gave His life for me.  I am filled with gratefulness that while my traitorous self ran from Jesus, pursuing the things of this world, my Savior pursued me, saved me from my sin, and gave His own life to purchase me forevermore.

When I hear the words from Prince Caspian, I am again reminded that I am called to follow Jesus even when I do not see Him or understand why He is leading me in a direction that seems intuitively to make no sense.  I am called to follow Him even when others around me do not do the same.  And, I recall that Jesus does not always show Himself as He has in the past.  I am not to expect that He will always step in and mightily save the day, although I know that He can. Sometimes He calls me to trust Him and follow Him and believe He is there even when I cannot see Him and do not understand His plan.

Then I listen to The Voyage of the Dawntreader and my longing for Heaven only grows deeper. As I step farther into the book, with each turn of the page, my anticipation of Aslan's country only increases.  Great risks must be taken and great trials experienced, with much perseverance, but oh how great the joy when we finally reach the end of our journey.  How I long for the day when I will see my Savior, the Lamb of God, and fall at His feet to worship Him.  Then there will be only joy.  All my tears will be washed away, and there will be no more pain or suffering.

But my favorite of all the books in this series is The Horse and His Boy.  I have never been able to put my finger on why, but ever since I was a young girl I have been drawn back to this story time and time again.  This week as I listened to the dramatization of this book, the words have grabbed hold of my soul once again.  While we are walking through trials, we do not know why the Lord has called us to go through them.  Often we do not see how there can possibly be any good that can come from them.  Many times when our circumstances seem to be at their very worst, we question how God could even permit these things to happen to us at all if He truly loves us.

Unlike with the hero of this story, God often does not answer our questions and explain His reasons to us in this life.  When we are feeling sorry for ourselves, we do not have the opportunity to tell God that we are indeed the most unfortunate person in the whole world and then have Him show us how He has orchestrated every circumstance in our entire life, though possibly painful at the time, to work for our eventual and eternal good.  But this book reminds me that even though I cannot always see it, God truly is working all things for good in my life.

And we know that for those who love God all things to work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.  For those whom he foreknew he also called predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son....  Romans 8:28-32

The Land of Narnia - Part 1

Growing up, some of my favorite books were the Chronicles of Narnia by C. S. Lewis. I remember reading them countless times as a child, vividly imagining each scene as it played out in my mind.  What fond memories I have of curling up on my bed and reading one of these books until I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer.  Not only were the stories captivating, but the way that C. S. Lewis wove the gospel and the character of God into these books opened my eyes to better understand and rejoice in the gospel, God's sovereignty, and His love for His children.  I saw and began to understand, although I had not yet begun to experience personally, how God orchestrates our circumstances, no matter how difficult and unfortunate they may seem at the time, for our good and for His glory.

Soon after Zach was born, my mind began counting the years until I could introduce him to these stories.  I imagined reading these books to him while he listened, motionless and awestruck, soaking in every word just as I had done many years before.  While his introduction to these books has not been exactly as I imagined, his response has not disappointed.

This summer, the highly anticipated moment came.  Upon deciding that Zach was probably ready to be introduced to The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, the thought occurred to me that since we often spend up to an hour in the car each day, it might be well worth investing in Focus on the Family's Radio Theatre production of these books.  I cannot speak highly enough of these dramatizations of the stories.  Although we're not curled up on the couch reading and turning the pages together, Zach sits with rapt attention for hours as we drive along in the car. And I have thoroughly enjoyed listening to them as well.

As a child, Zach is wrapped up in the battles, coming home and re-enacting fights with his sword in the back yard.  In fact, his love of Narnian battles has grown into a love of sword fights of any kind.  I often find him in battle, "good guys vs. bad guys" around the trees, over the berm, onto the deck, and down the hill in our back yard.  He will then come into the house to excitedly announce the winners and losers of the battle and how that might affect our family's next outside adventure.  It seems he has even passed his love of sword fighting on to his younger brother.  Wesley now picks up his swords, swinging them around while yelling "Yah! Yah! Yah!"

We have also enjoyed discussing the meanings of the stories, and Zach is truly fascinated with the concept of allegories.  His questions have led to rich conversations, which I pray the Lord will use to open the eyes of his heart to truly see and believe the gospel.

Click here to read Part 2.

Who Are We Trying to Impress Anyway?

Zach loves to entertain his younger brother, often screeching obnoxious noises that startle and then annoy me almost instantly.  I often feel as if my instructions to him are on repeat:  "Zach, use words!"  I am constantly reminding him to encourage Wesley to imitate speech rather than whatever new and grating noise he can come up with.

But this week it finally dawned on me that while these noises truly are obnoxious, loud, and sometimes inappropriate, I am discouraging them for the wrong reasons.  I want to nip them in the bud because I am embarrassed by them.  When Zach makes these noises and then Wesley imitates them, it sounds as if I have two non-verbal children with disabilities.  My stomach knots up inside as soon as a new noise launches from Zach's mouth, as I fear not only that people will look down on Wesley because of these noises, but that they will do the same with Zach.  I worry that he will be mocked and jeered by his peers for his behavior.

You see, while Zach is loving his brother and finding ways to play with him and entertain him, I am too wrapped up in fearing what other people think to enjoy the games they play together.  So this week God is using my son to show me the sin in my own heart.  Instead of fearing the thoughts of others, I ought to be fearing God.  When I train my children, the ultimate outcome I ought to be seeking is that their behavior reflects a heart of obedience and love for their Savior.  My motives in discouraging certain behaviors should be because they are not pleasing to the Lord - not because they are obnoxious and might cause others to look at my children with disdain.  Instead of being concerned that a person might judge my son unfavorably because he is playing with his brother in a way that his brother enjoys instead of insisting that his brother be able to play at a level that he cannot, my heart ought to be concerned with whether or not my response is pleasing to the Lord.  Is my greatest desire in that moment that others are impressed with my parenting and the behavior of my boys or that God is glorified as my sons enthusiastically play together?

The least of my worries should be what other people think of my children.  Let's be honest, Wesley will be mocked many times in his life.  And as his brothers, Zach and Liam will be mocked as well.  As much as it saddens me, I am sure that there will even be times that they are downright embarrassed of their brother and wish they could pretend they don't know him. But right now Zach is oblivious of what other people think.  He truly couldn't care less what the opinions of others are regarding his behavior.  So, as long as this lasts, I ought to encourage his joyful playing with his brother and just smile when people stare at my strange entourage.

I pray that God will continue to bless Zach with a greater love for his brother than for the good opinions of others.  May his heart's desire be to please the Lord in his words (and noises) and actions. For while man looks on the outward appearance, the Lord looks on the heart.

And may this be a reminder to me, too, to seek to follow the example of my eldest son and fear not what others think. For, who am I trying to impress anyway?

Lord, may the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing in your sight!

Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.  Proverbs 29:25

Roles Reversed

While Wesley has been a big brother for almost eight months now, it is really in the past two months that he has begun to learn what this really means.  For three years, he has listened to me teach Zach to be kind to him and share with him.  He has been the beneficiary many times when he screamed for a toy that Zach had and he wanted.  He often receives the benefit of the doubt while his big brother (unfairly at times) is held to a higher standard.  But now that Liam is becoming more mobile, Wesley is receiving a crash course in big brotherhood:

No, you may not take your brother's toys away from him, even if they look way more fun than the ones you are playing with.  Yes, you must share your toys with your brother if he crawls over and takes them from you.  Yes, you must give that toy back to your brother that you just took from him.  No, you may not hit your brother if he gets too close to your things.  In fact you may not hit him for any reason!  Yes, you must be gentle with your brother.  No, you may not step on him.  (Even if it's accidental, trust me, it still hurts!)

For the most part, Wesley is easily stepping into his new role.  He delights in his little brother, which is a joy to see.  When Liam comes into a room, Wesley's eyes light up and he comes up to him with a big smile.  He regularly runs over to his baby brother and starts laughing, encouraging Liam to laugh with him.  This is a favorite pastime of theirs.  As well, Wesley has learned how play peek-a-boo, and he is so proud of himself as he seeks to entertain Liam with his antics.  He covers his eyes and then says "boo" as he lifts his hands away.  He then immediately starts applauding himself and cheering for what a great job he's done.  And if Liam is not interested in his entertainment, Wesley scoots around so that he is directly in front of his face and then tries again.

My favorite thing, though, is listening to Wesley encourage Liam to speak.  Just from watching us, Wesley has picked up on the fact that Liam now says "dadada" and that Mommy and Daddy love to hear his sweet voice vocalizing.  So, often when Wesley sees his baby brother, he will run up to him and say "dada" with the hope that Liam will imitate him.  How this melts my Mommy heart as I see that Wesley is already his brother's biggest fan, modeling words and then cheering him on as he learns to speak.

Sharing is a bit more difficult, but I am very pleased with how well Wesley is making this transition.  He clearly understands when I explain to him that Liam is playing with "Liam's toys" and Wesley must not take them.  If he does take one, most of the time he is quick to return it when instructed to do so.  He also enjoys playing with Liam, which is a beautiful thing to see. What a joy it is to my heart to watch my two boys taking turns pulling rings off of a stacking toy or passing toys back and forth with smiles on their faces.

It is a bit harder for Wesley when Liam is playing with "Wesley's toys".  When asked to return one of these toys, Wesley usually does comply with our instructions, but he does so begrudgingly. We are still working on teaching him how to go and get another toy to trade with Liam.  So far this concepts seems a bit too abstract for him.  If Wesley has multiple toys on the floor, though, and is instructed to give a toy to his baby brother, he does a very good job of scanning the room and choosing one to give.  He often holds his favorite toys tightly while selecting a different toy to share with his brother.  For now, I am happy that he is choosing to share, even if the toys he shares are not his top favorites.  Since Liam is happy with whatever Wesley gives him right now, this is a great way to start learning what it means to share.  Over time, we will also have to learn how to share even our most treasured possessions.  Thankfully, we're not there yet!

Liam is blessed to have a big brother so desirous of entertaining and pleasing him.  Wesley is gentle and kind, patting his head when he cries and cheering him on as he learns new things. Wesley, on the other hand, has also been given the gift of a younger brother to teach him the things his older brother cannot and to delight in his friendship.  I often ask the Lord that these precious boys will become wonderful playmates.

I pray that my two boys, along with their older brother, will build strong friendships together that will stand the test of time.  A cord of three strands is not easily broken, and it is my prayer that the Lord will wind these three strands together into a tightly knit cord that remains strong over the years.

Confession

I have a confession to make.  My children are sinners.  Even more so, they are sinners not yet saved by grace.  It may be of some surprise to you, but indeed, it is true. They hit other children, say mean things, don't share, disobey their parents, talk back, yell, and throw their glasses.  So, it might be in your best interest to inform your children of this before coming into contact with my children.  This way they can expect to be sinned against rather than be surprised by the shocking behavior that they see.

It might also be helpful for your children to know that while I have three sinful children, I am only one sinful mom.  So, if they choose to tattle on the sin of one of my children, they had best be prepared for what is to come. While I address the sin of one child, it is likely that another child will run off in a fit of rage while throwing his glasses. Then, I will need to neglect addressing the sin of the first child as I attempt to calm the second child, secure said child in a safe place, and begin the search for the thrown glasses.  Once the glasses have been found, it is probably safe to assume that my sinful self will be fighting to push down the seething anger toward all parties involved that is beginning to boil up within me as I resume my conversation with the first child.  I will most likely speak harshly to the first child, words that will require a humble apology once my hard heart has been sufficiently convicted.

At this point, it is usually wisest to remove our entire family from the situation as I see the wide eyes of onlookers.  Surprise!  You have just witnessed sin, compounded by disability, at its finest. I'll bet you weren't expecting a first row seat to such a grand show.

While others may be surprised by and uncomfortable with the sin in my heart and in the hearts of my children, I am so thankful that God is not.  Not only is he not surprised, but he knows the depths of our sin far better than even we do.  And yet, he loves us.

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8