Waiting and Fighting for Faith

Shall I take from Your hand Your blessings
Yet not welcome any pain
Shall I thank You for days of sunshine
Yet grumble in days of rain
Shall I love You in times of plenty
Then leave You in days of drought
Shall I trust when I reap a harvest
But when winter winds blow, then doubt

Eight and a half long months have passed since a pregnancy test confirmed my suspicions - I was pregnant.  I had always wanted four or five children, while Mike always wanted three. But then when we received confirmation of Wesley's diagnosis, along with the knowledge that any consequent child would have a fifty percent chance of having this same chromosome imbalance or a derivation thereof, we decided it would probably wise to consider our family complete.  While I grieved the end of my dreams, I was at peace with our decision, trusting that because these were the circumstances that God had given us, we could trust that they were what was best for our family.  Deep down, though, I still hoped and prayed that maybe someday God would bless us with another child.  Neither Mike nor I expected God to answer my prayers so quickly though, or in such a surprising fashion.

Upon receiving the news that I was pregnant, the fears that had been held at bay over the past few years rolled in like a flood.  Early on in the pregnancy, I felt that the Lord was preparing my heart for very difficult circumstances following our baby's birth.  I couldn't shake the feeling that this child would also have a chromosomal abnormality, and that the road ahead of us would become exponentially more difficult than it already was.

Oh let Your will be done in me
In Your love I will abide
Oh I long for nothing else as long
As You are glorified

Over the past nine months, I have fought a fight for faith like I have never fought before and pray to never fight again.  It was a fight to trust that God's plan truly was perfect, no matter what that plan held.  It was a fight to believe that God was good and only gave good gifts to his children, no matter what gift I received.  It was a fight to truly give up my desires and longings and ask God to help me to trust Him as His will was done in my life and in our family. The cry of my heart became, "Lord, please help me long for nothing else as long as You are glorified!"

In and of myself, I desperately longed for a healthy, normal child who would not struggle throughout their life.  But I knew deep within my heart that if God chose to give us another child with special needs, His character had not changed.  He was still good.  If I was indeed to walk through the rest of my life with two children with disabilities, I would need to trust God with all of my heart and believe His promises.  I would need to open my hand willingly, releasing my dreams for my children to Him and trusting that God's love for me and for our family was far greater than the difficulties we would walk through in this life.  I had a choice ahead of me.  Would I abide in God's love as He gave me His good gifts, or would I bitterly charge Him with forsaking me if I disliked the gifts He gave?  Daily I begged God to help me thank Him and rejoice in His good gifts to me.  I desperately wanted to long for His glory more than my ease and comfort in this life.

Are You good only when I prosper
And true only when I’m filled
Are You King only when I’m carefree
And God only when I’m well
You are good when I’m poor and needy
You are true when I’m parched and dry
You still reign in the deepest valley
You’re still God in the darkest night

When our precious son Liam was born, the fight for faith only increased.  From the moment I looked into his eyes, I saw so many similarities between him and Wesley.  In addition, Liam chose to follow in his brother's footsteps in the feeding arena.  He had a great first session nursing but then was unable to latch or suck nutritively.  With each passing day, his ability to nurse seemed to decrease further.  When he was six days old, I reached rock bottom.  I will never forget holding him in my arms and weeping as I looked to what I imagined the future to be and grieved the life I believed God had chosen to give him.  It all seemed so very overwhelming and hopeless.  It was in that moment that God used my husband to gently remind me that God had already ordained all of Liam's days before even one of them came to be.  God loved Liam and had created Him according to His perfect plan for his little life.

That night I spent time praying through Psalm 23 and allowing the Lord to restore my soul. Because the Lord was my shepherd, I would never lack anything that I needed to walk the path He had ordained for me.  Even if the pastures seemed brown and dead and the waters appeared to be a flood, I could trust that the pastures God was calling me to lie down in were green.  The waters He was leading me to were still.  His name's sake was at stake here, and He was promising to lead me in paths of righteousness.  So, I could trust that He would do just as He promised.  Even in this moment when I was walking through the valley of the shadow of death, I would choose to fear no evil, for I knew that God was with me.  He was leading me and protecting me even in this valley, and that brought me much comfort.  More than that, I could cling to the promise that goodness and mercy would follow me all the days of my life, and I would dwell in the house of the Lord forever!  Even if the imagined worst case scenario was true, God's goodness and mercy would still be abundantly poured out on me and our family for the rest of our lives.  And, if that wasn't enough, I had a sure promise that I would spend eternity with my Savior where all things would be made right forever.

Oh let Your will be done in me
In Your love I will abide
Oh I long for nothing else as long
As You are glorified

The next afternoon our pediatrician's office called with the results of Liam's chromosome study. They were normal!  As I reflect on the past days, weeks and months, I am so grateful that the Lord did a work in my heart before I received those results.  I am thankful that the Lord gave me the opportunity to fight for faith, teaching me again what it means to trust Him and believe that He is good.  While I rejoice with all of my heart that God's good gift for Liam includes a normal chromosomal alignment, I can also say that even if that had not been God's will for Liam, His plan would still have been good.

The fact that Liam appears to have a normal set of chromosomes does not mean that I will never again be tempted to fear, for now his life will be perfect and easy.  I am no fool.  Liam is still a sinner living in a sinful world.  He will still experience pain.  He will sin and will be sinned against.  I will have plenty of opportunities throughout his life to fight to trust the Lord.  But my greatest prayer for him will always be, as it is for his brothers, that God will be glorified in his life as he trusts in Jesus as His Savior and lives out his life for the glory of God.