Matching Memories

When Zach was born, a dear friend gave me the cutest little outfit for him.  Little did I know at the time that I would have the opportunity to dress two more little boys in green and blue snowflakes.  Oh how I love all three of my little marshmallow snowmen.

Liam - 4 months

Wesley - 5 months

Zach - 3 months

Three Years

Dear Wesley,

Today is a special day...your third birthday.  Today we celebrate you and the gift that you are to us.  Your Daddy and I are so proud of you, and now that you are all tucked into bed, we sit here looking at pictures of you and talking about all of those little things that make you the you we love so much.

This morning your big brother Zach sat down with you to teach that you are three years old now.  It was so precious to watch you concentrate intensely as he showed you how to hold up three fingers and then try your very best to imitate him.  You loved putting three candles into your playdoh cake, counting them with me, and then clapping as we sang Happy Birthday to you.

Several hours later, you moved me to tears when, for the first time, you blew out the candles on your cupcakes.  Just this past Thursday you learned how to blow bubbles, but I knew that to blow out a candle, you would have to generalize this skill.  Two days was a very short amount of time in which to do this.

We lit the candles, sang Happy Birthday to you, and then encouraged you to blow them out. The cheering that erupted in the room when you blew out that first candle is a moment I will always treasure in my heart.  As one of my friends said, "to see him blow out his 'three' candle just gave me so much joy!  I feel like I witnessed something really cool!"  And she did.  We all witnessed something really cool.  You did it, and we are so very proud of you.

Then, while everyone else ate their cupcakes, you kept blowing on yours, despite the fact that the candle had been removed.  You had so much fun with it that your Daddy and I decided to light a candle in a cupcake again this evening.  After singing Happy Birthday to you again, we re-lit that candle for you to blow out so many times that we burned through the entire wick.  You were so cute as you became excited each time as if you had never blown out a candle before.  That candle was definitely the highlight of your special day.

Another very special part of your birthday was watching you with your presents.  Even this last Christmas you were very uninterested in presents or the toys in them.  But as we anticipated today, your Daddy and I came up with multiple toys that we thought you would like and enjoy playing with.  You didn't much care for opening your presents, but later when we got you up from your nap, we had all of your new toys set up in the living room.  You were thrilled. You ran straight in to them and started playing with them right away.  Just seeing how much you have grown in learning how to play with toys in an age appropriate manner and even choosing to do so of your own accord touched my heart.

I know that today is your day, but today has also been a very special day for me.  As I have watched you today and have seen how much you enjoyed your day, my heart has filled to overflowing with joy and thankfulness to God.  He is doing a wonderful work in you, my sweet boy.

I love you so very much, my precious son, and I thank God for every moment of the past three years.  You are a wonderful gift from God to our family.

Happy third birthday, Wesley!

Love,
Mama

T-11 and Counting

In eleven short days, the world as Wesley knows it will quickly and suddenly change.  He will no longer see the six wonderful ladies who have become a second family to us over the past three years as they have worked with him and showed us how to better help him.  Instead, a yellow school bus will pull up to our driveway, and Wesley will take a long ride to an unfamiliar place to begin a new and exciting season of his life.

Somehow, I think that Wesley can sense that change is in the air.  He seems less trusting of us and more resistant to anything new these past few weeks.  We visited his new classroom last week, and he did not like it one bit!  A new routine with new rules will take some adjusting for him.  I suspect that his first week will be dreadful as he learns to trust his new teachers and understand their expectations.

But after meeting his teacher and new speech therapist and observing how they teach his classroom, I think they will be a wonderful fit for him.  Once he has adjusted to his new life, I think he will love it, and he will thrive.

God has blessed us by placing us in a wonderful school district that is known for its excellent special education department.  Their reputation is glowing, and in interacting with them so far, we believe this to be true.  They have provided Wesley with a large amount of direct minutes working with speech, occupational and physical therapists each week along with placing him in a classroom that will easily facilitate his need for 1-on-1 instruction.  As well, God has worked in their hearts as they have bent over backwards to fit Wesley into the class that would best fit his needs even though when we first started discussions with them, there was no room for him in this particular class.

Time after time, over the past couple of weeks, we have prayed to God, asking for specific things to happen that we thought were impossible, and God has worked in the hearts of these ladies in the school district so that our prayers were answered.  At first they did not see a need for Wesley to have a sensory plan in place at school, but then the occupational therapist asked if she could come observe Wesley again in our home.  After leaving that day, her perspective completely changed and she became Wesley's biggest advocate.  A wonderful sensory plan has been put into place for him, which gives him the opportunity to succeed in mastering his goals for this year.

As well, throughout the goal writing process, the school district was open to our suggestions and happy to compromise as we discussed our goals for Wesley this year.  As we read over the goals that were agreed upon at his IEP, I can see how God had his hand on the goal-writing process.  God enabled these ladies to get a good picture of Wesley's strengths and weaknesses and to come up with some wonderful goals for him.  If he achieves all of these goals this year, we will be overjoyed.  While each goal individually is definitely attainable, just thinking about him meeting ALL of these goals along with other learning objectives in the next twelve months is an amazing thought.

Cookies made by a dear friend for Wesley's IEP

Because our IEP process was a long and drawn out five hours over two separate days, I had several opportunities to meet with Wesley's teacher and speech therapist to discuss having picture cards ready for him on his first day and to strategize on how best for me to program his communication device for him to communicate at school.  I have been thrilled with their willingness to meet with me multiple times, and even more, I have enjoyed interacting with them and seeing that they truly are looking forward to having my little guy in their class.

While I will miss his joyful self tremendously each morning, I am looking forward to seeing all that God has in store for Wesley as he has been given this wonderful opportunity to learn in a fabulous preschool setting.  As I let go and release him to attend school, I am entrusting him to his faithful heavenly Father, who loves him even more than I do, to watch over him and protect him each day.

Playing With Butterflies

When little brothers are playing, sometimes big brothers just can't resist joining in the fun.

As long as big brothers are gentle with the baby, Mama is happy to let them investigate.

Besides, who wouldn't be interested in a butterfly that plays music and has blinking lights?

And little brothers enjoy the company!

In fact, this little brother saves his biggest smiles for his big brothers.

God Is For Me

This I know, that God is for me.

These are the words that I read out of Psalm 56 this morning.  These are the words that I so desperately needed to hear.

Last night I tossed and turned, dreams filling my mind with unpleasant thoughts and pictures. This is always a sign that deep down, I am anxious and not trusting.

This morning I rushed around, dropping boys off at different locations so I could arrive, attempting to reclaim my scattered thoughts, for another meeting.  The frantic busyness of my life was a perfect picture of the lack of peace in my soul.

Then the words of the Psalm came to my mind again:  "You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle.  Are they not in your book?"  As my God offers me His peace when I trust Him, He also lovingly keeps count of all my tossings while I try to live my life forgetting to call out to him for help.  He gently gathers up all of my tears and saves them.  He has not forgotten.  This I know, that God is for me.

As I drove my boys through the gloom and rain, my mind raced, planning my day, my week.  I rehearsed requests, pleadings, forms to be submitted, to-do lists.  My anxious thoughts filled the quiet, threatening to take over any remaining strongholds of the peace that surpasses all understanding in my heart.  But then the words came, whispering "in God I trust; I shall not be afraid."

For this I know, that God is for me.

Medical Adventures

This past month has been a busy one at our house.  Along with getting ready for Wesley's first IEP, we have also been in and out of the hospital numerous times.

First, Zach had surgery to remove his adenoids.

Then during his recovery, he got sick and consequently dehydrated.  Three days after his surgery, Zach ended up back in the emergency room getting fluids.

When he was released from the emergency room, Zach was sent home with an IV and a home nurse visitation was scheduled for him to receive even more fluids.

Then last night Wesley and Daddy suffered through a sleep study (and a sleepless night).

In the next few weeks we still have an upcoming surgery to replace the tubes in Wesley's ears and possibly also remove his tonsils.  I am so very thankful for the wonderful insurance God has blessed us with, Mike's flexibility at work and his ability to take off for all of these things so that I can stay home with Liam, and the skilled doctors we have caring for our boys.

God is again reminding us that His steadfast love toward us never ceases.  His mercies never come to an end.  They are new every morning!  Great is His faithfulness!

Jesus Has Overcome the World

"Truly, truly, I say to you, you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice.  You will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn into joy.  When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world.  So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you.  In that day you will ask nothing of me.  Truly, truly, I say to you, whatever you ask of the Father in my name, he will give it to you.  Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full."
John 16:20-24

This week was a reminder to me that I am living in the now and still waiting for the not yet. And so, I have sorrow now.  But there will come a day when my sorrow will be turned to joy, and no one will take my joy from me.

In this lifetime, because of the saving grace of Jesus and His kindness toward me, He will give me joy even in the midst of my tears as I trust in Him.  But one day my joy will be full.  On that day, there will be no more tears or suffering or pain or sadness - only joy.  Jesus will wipe away every tear from my eyes.

"In that day you will ask in my name, and I do not say to you that I will ask the Father on your behalf; for the Father himself loves you, because you have loved me and have believed that I came from God."
John 16:26-27

One day my joy will be full because God Himself loves me.  How can it be that the God who spoke the world into being loves me?  Just thinking about these words amazes me.  And this promise gives me hope even when I am sorrowful.  When it seems that I am facing injustices against my son and insurmountable obstacles, I know that I can give my burdens to the God of the universe, trusting Him because I know that He loves me.  And He loves Wesley.

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace.  In the world you will have tribulation.  But take heart; I have overcome the world."
John 16:33

Even when it seems that the whole world is against me and my son, when I cast my cares on the Lord, He promises to give me His peace that passes all understanding.

More than this, I can take heart, for my Savior has overcome the world.

In this world I should expect sorrow and pain, but I have hope because Jesus has overcome the world!  And oh how I long for that day when I will see my Savior face to face and He will wipe away my tears.  On that day, He will fill me with joy in Him for all eternity.

Restoration

Joy.

Healing.

Wholeness.

Restoration.

My heavenly Father has walked with me through the waters and through the fire, and is now restoring to me the years that the locust has eaten.

My God has dealt wondrously with me.  He has filled my quiver with three precious blessings. He has hemmed Wesley in, behind and before, with two brothers to love and protect him.

My Shepherd has restored my soul.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever! (Ps. 23:6)

“Be glad, O children of Zion,
and rejoice in the Lord your God,
for he has given the early rain for your vindication;
he has poured down for you abundant rain,
the early and the latter rain, as before.
The threshing floors shall be full of grain;
the vats shall overflow with wine and oil.
I will restore to you the years
that the swarming locust has eaten,
the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter,
my great army, which I sent among you.
You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied,
and praise the name of the Lord your God,
who has dealt wondrously with you.
And my people shall never again be put to shame.
You shall know that I am in the midst of Israel,
and that I am the Lord your God and there is none else.
And my people shall never again be put to shame."
Joel 2:23-27

My Times Are In God's Hands

"Our times are in God's hands; it is well they are so.  Believers are not to expect great wealth, long life, or to be free from trials.  But all will be ordered for the best.  And remark from Job's history, that steadiness of mind and heart under trial, is one of the highest attainments of faith. There is little exercise for faith when all things go well.  But if God raises a storm, permits the enemy to send wave after wave, and seemingly stands aloof from our prayers, then, still to hang on and trust God, when we cannot trace him, this is the patience of the saints.  Blessed Saviour! how sweet it is to look unto thee, the Author and Finisher of faith, in such moments!"

Matthew Henry

My Heart

My dear Liam,

When I look into your beautiful grey eyes as they smile back at me, how is it that my heart can be full of such joy and sorrow at the same time?

You are the most happy and content baby I have ever met.  Your personality is delightful and your smile is charming.  Every time someone picks you up and talks to you, you coo back and bless them with your huge smiles.  You love to interact with others.  Even when you are upset, instead of just crying, you coo in a way that sounds like expressive complaining.

We don't have very many toys out for you, because when they come out your big brother confiscates them.  But I am amazed at how content you are just watching those around you. You will happily "talk" to Zach as he plays with his legos or smile as Daddy wrestles with your big brothers.

When I pull out your jungle gym, you can entertain yourself for what seems like hours just batting at your toys and watching them swing back and forth.  The other day I realized that you had been in your jungle gym for forty-five minutes while I worked with Wesley, you were way overdue for a nap, and you were still happily playing without even a bit of fussing.  How is it that you can be so content for so long?

At every nap time, you complain for two or three minutes at the most and then go right to sleep.  You have been sleeping for eight hours a night since you were five weeks old, which is truly amazing. Then last night you slept for nine hours when Mommy accidentally slept in.  It made me think that you would sleep for longer every night if I didn't have to wake you up so early to get everyone out the door on time every morning.

When I pick you up, my heart is filled with joy that God gave you to me - the third boy I thought I'd never have.

But when I look into your sweet eyes, sorrow also bubbles up in my soul.  I was just telling Daddy the other day that some day you will break my heart.  Every time you smile at me and coo, I remember that Wesley never made eye contact; Wesley never cooed.  When you hold your head up so high and so straight without wobbling, I am reminded of the countless hours we spent working with Wesley so that he could do what you do so effortlessly.  As I cradle you in my arms and feed you, I think of how much I missed not being able to do that with Wesley. Looking over at you while you play in your jungle gym, I remember how disappointed I was that Wesley never played with it.  Because of sensory issues, he hated being on his back, and he never figured out how to swing his arms to bat at the toys.  (Instead he learned how to roll over so he could get out of there!)

As you get older, you will have to forgive me when I praise you for your successes with tears in my eyes.  I hope you will understand.  I love you so much and I will rejoice with you at all of your accomplishments.  But I love your brother too, and your achievements will always be a reminder to me of his limitations.

I pray that over time God will strengthen my heart to handle the struggles that will come my way with grace.  I pray that God will give you a soft heart that understands my pain and my joy.  I often ask God to give you a kind heart toward your big brother so that as you surpass him in your achievements, you do so with gentleness and compassion.

Liam, your name means unwavering protector, and it would be my greatest joy to see you live up to your name, never wavering in your loving protection of your older brother.  I often think, when I look at you, that God gave you to us specifically as a blessing for your big brother.  As you grow up, I pray that you will take your brother by the hand and bring him alongside you, protecting him, caring for him, loving him, and befriending him.  Long after Mommy and Daddy are gone, I pray that he will have you, his resolute guardian, by his side.

I love you my son.  You are my joy and my delight, and every day I thank God for His kindness in giving you to me.

Love,
Mama

First Sentence

Dear Wesley,

Have I ever told you that the sound of your voice is music to my ears?  Whenever you babble and talk to yourself in the mirror, laughing at your own jokes, if you would turn and look, you would see me entering into these moments and smiling with you.  As you've started adding more consonants to your babbling, I often find myself pausing and taking mental pictures, trying to savor and remember these special times. I relish every conversation that you have with yourself, imagining that some day this will translate to similarly enthusiastic conversations with me and your brothers.

The other day I started counting and was surprised to realize that you can verbalize most of the sounds of the alphabet.  You still get stuck on the hard ones (j, l, q, r, v, x, y, z, sh, ch, th), but you've nailed the rest!  I know you get tired of working with me on imitating sounds every day, but when I am consistent, I am finding that remembering the motor plan required to imitate each letter is much easier for you.

I often wish that I could help you more with your struggles with motor planning.  As you watch me intently and then struggle to imitate my sounds, sometimes making a completely different sound and then throwing back your head in frustration, it breaks my heart.  How I wish that speaking wasn't so difficult for you.

A few months ago, Miss Judy started working with you to say "I want..."  At first I wanted to correct her - to remind her that you struggle with the motor plan for most sounds and the motor plan for putting sounds together to make words is almost impossible for you.  How could she possibly think that you could master the motor plan for putting multiple words together?  Instead, I held my tongue and just watched as she worked with you.  She came up with hand motions for you to do to help you remember what sounds to make.  At first you just watched her, but over time you started trying to imitate her.

About a month ago, you started pointing at your eye and opening your mouth when you wanted to say "I" and putting your hand over your mouth to say "want".  No sounds came out of your mouth, but it was a start.  Then about a week later, you started saying "ah" for I and "ah" for want along with doing the hand motions.  You still had to be prompted for each word individually, and sometimes it took several tries for you to get it, but you worked so very hard to learn these words.

Then last week the motor plan finally clicked in your mind.  You started running up to us and saying "ah" while pointing to your eye.  When we said "I", you would then say "wa" while putting your hand over your mouth and wait for us to say "want".  You would then grab our hand and drag us to show us what it was that you wanted.  We kept working on this and you soon realized that when you became upset and I asked you what you wanted, you could now answer my question instead of throwing a fit.  Then you added "ee" to your I and now say a beautiful "ahee" for I.  It is perfect!

This Wednesday you proved my initial assessment of your abilities wrong.  During a therapy session with Miss Marsha, you started yelling because she took away your favorite red stacking cup that you love to carry around while she is here.  She kindly asked you wanted, and you looked her straight in the eye and said "I wa(nt) cu(p)!"  There was no prompting or assistance. You knew what you wanted and you emphatically told her!

Mommy and Miss Marsha looked at each other, saying "Did you hear what I heard?  Did Wesley really just say "I want cup" with no assistance?"  You sure did!  You took that first step and are on your way to those conversations with Mommy that I often dream about.

Now you run around all day long saying "I want" and then dragging me to what it is that you would like to play with or see.  Coming with you to see what you want has become my full time job.  At first I was worried that this was giving you the opportunity to drag me around insisting that I give you whatever you want all day long.  But I am starting to realize that you just love your new ability to communicate with me.  Since this is the only thing you know how to say, you want to say it to me over and over again so that we can talk together.

So yes, Wesley, I will happily walk around with you and talk about what you want.  We can play with your ball-popper and your gears and get out multiple spoons and bowls from the drawers.  We can open doors and then close them again.  We can pull out milk and then put it back in the fridge.  And I will do my best to not complain, because guess what, YOU ARE TALKING!  And I love every word that you say.  I love the radiant joy in your eyes when you run up to me with a smile, point to your eye, and say "ahee wa dat!"  I love how you emphatically pat your chest as you say "dat".  I love holding your little pudgy hand as you drag me off to some new and exciting object that has caught your fancy.

Your voice is beautiful, my son, and it is my joy to talk with you.  I am thankful that you want things and that you want to tell me about it.

Love,
Mama

Friends

Wesley has never been interested in other children.  When he is around kids that are younger than him, he doesn't even see them, which often results in him running into them at full force with all of his thirty-two pounds and knocking them flat on the ground.  If we have a play date with other children his age or older, Wesley ignores them, preferring to play by himself. Wesley does love to play with Zach and will follow him most of the day trying to persuade him to play chase.  But for some reason his joy in playing with other children hasn't spread past his big brother....until Monday.

On Monday, for the first time, I watched Wesley thoroughly enjoy himself playing "Ring Around the Rosie" with a friend and her almost two-year-old son.  Wesley consistently made eye contact with his playmate rather than just with my friend, and the boys laughed together every time they fell down.  They would both say "down" as they fell and then clap for each other.  It was such a precious moment for this mother's heart as I watched my son play with another boy and enjoy himself.  Even more dear to my heart was that this little boy enjoyed playing with my son.

Then on Tuesday we had some friends over for a play date (our first one in many, many months), and while the big kids played upstairs, Wesley and the two-year-old girl played together downstairs.  She loved jumping on his trampoline, and his face was radiant as he faced her and jumped on the floor.  The two of them laughed and laughed as they jumped together.  Then later they ran around chasing each other and laughing.  I don't think I have ever seen him have so much fun with another child other than his brother before.  This time too, my heart was touched as I watched this very talkative little girl enjoy playing with my boy without questioning his lack of communication or his funny ways of doing things.

I pray that as Wesley becomes more aware of others around him, God will always surround him with dear children like these two who will welcome him and enjoy playing with him.

Speech Therapy Fun

Say "Eeeeeat"!

Yummy french fries!

No, no duck!  Don't eat Wesley's hand!

That's much better!

Up!

My eyes widened and I looked up in astonishment.   Did my son really just talk?  To me?  Did I actually hear him or was it all just a figment of my imagination?  But there he was, standing in front of me with a look of expectancy in his eyes.  So I picked him up, hugged him tight, and took a minute for excessive cheering despite the fact that I had just put him into his pack-n'-play to play while I fed his little brother.

Those two little letters have never before sounded so beautiful to my ears.

Fast forward one week and it happened again...

We were playing with Mr. Potato Head and had just pulled out the eyes to put into the potato when Zach came running downstairs to talk to me.  As I turned to face him, I heard a sweet little voice behind me saying "aaahhs".  Assuming it couldn't be true, I swung my head back around to find my boy closely inspecting and poking at Mr. Potato Head's eyes.  Again, cheering ensued as Mommy and big brother celebrated with much praise.

While these may seem like very small baby steps toward speaking, they are big steps for Wesley.  He is learning to communicate without prompting, and he is slowly figuring out the motor plan for putting a consonant after a vowel in a word rather than just speaking the first consonant with an "ah" sound after it.  As well, he is beginning to breathe before speaking which allows him to hold out a vowel for longer than a millisecond.

Speaking is hard work, but we're getting there - one step at a time.

Sweet Smiles

Snow Day

Last week we enjoyed our first snow of the season.  Zach thoroughly loved running around and playing in it while entertaining Wesley at the window.  It was such fun to watch Wesley plaster his face to the window and laugh at Zach's antics.  Of course I forgot to put Zach's snow pants on...that won't be happening again!

Smiling at his little brother...if only I could have bottled up some of Wesley's giggles.  He adores his big brother.

I'm pretty sure this pose has something to do with Star Wars.

Seven Weeks

The last seven weeks have flown by in the blink of an eye.  I am amazed at how quickly we have adjusted to being a family of five.

Liam is a delightful baby.  He has been sleeping through the night for two weeks now, which has been a precious gift to his mommy.  Getting a full and uninterrupted eight hours of sleep every night makes a big difference when six in the morning comes around and big boys start calling.  After a rough first two weeks, he is now nursing like a champ.  Every time I sit down to feed him is another opportunity to thank God for giving me the gift being able to nurse my baby.  When I recall how I pumped for eleven months with Wesley, it is impossible to overlook God's kindness in this area.  Holding Liam close and looking into his eyes as he eats is always one of the highlights of my day.

Smiling is one of Liam's specialties.  He endears himself to everyone who holds him as he gives them the most adorable smiles.  If he keeps this up, he'll have us all wrapped around his little finger.  As it is, his big brother Zach is already his biggest fan.  He regularly lays down next to Liam and whispers sweet nothings in his ear.  How it touches my mother's heart to watch the two of them together.  Liam has started cooing too, and we all enjoy hearing his little voice.  I am amazed each day at how quickly he is growing up.

Wesley has adjusted amazingly well to the birth of his little brother.  Through the help of the ladies and teenage girls at our church, he has made great strides in the past two months, and I have been so encouraged by the new things he is learning.  He consistently chooses the correct shapes and colors when presented with two choices and a verbal prompt, and he is doing a spectacular job of putting shapes into his shape sorter and puzzle pieces into a puzzle without assistance.  As well, his communication has improved.  He is now using his picture board much more consistently to communicate his needs.  He also imitates us much more often when prompted to say a word that he knows.  He still mostly only says the first consonant of a word with the "ah" sound after it, but it is still a big improvement.  He can also tell me that the sheep says "baa" when I ask, which is a big step for him since he is answering a question rather than imitating an answer.  But his biggest gift to me is that he now says "mama", which is music to my ears!  I love watching him purse his lips together and focus to get that "m" sound out.

Wesley basically ignores Liam, but given that the alternative would probably include hitting him and regularly falling on him, I don't mind his oblivion right now.  He'll have plenty of time to play with Liam as he gets older.

Zach has been a huge help to me since Liam's birth.  He is quick to run around and get things for his baby brother, and he loves to lay down by Liam and watch him for me so he doesn't get inadvertently stepped on.  Zach and I have also enjoyed reading books and playing games together while I nurse Liam.  It has been a blessing from the Lord to have such sweet times with him while Wesley is watching a video or playing quietly in his pack n' play.

God's promise that His grace is sufficient for me and His power is made perfect in my weakness has again proven true.  After two weeks of an easier schedule, I quickly jumped back into our crazy routine of driving Zach to school and Wesley to therapy, welcoming therapists into our home every day, taking all three boys to doctor's appointments, making a surprise trip to the ER, taking care of Liam, cooking dinner, and starting again last week, working one-on-one with Wesley each day.  I don't know how there are enough hours in each day for all of these things to get accomplished, but God is faithful and He has given me the grace to take each day moment by moment rather than be overwhelmed at the task ahead of me.  And really, the boys have adjusted spectacularly.  Our days really don't feel any more busy than they were two months ago.  It helps that God has blessed us with a spectacularly easygoing baby - just another reminder to me that God knows our needs and He cares for us.  Liam fits perfectly into our family and has brought so much joy to our days.

"Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.  I say to the Lord, "You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you."...  The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot.  The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.  I bless the Lord who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me.  I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.  Therefore my heart is glad and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure.  For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption.  You make known to me the path of life; in your presence is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."  Psalm 16:1-2, 5-11

The Sun Will Rise!

It seems that around here, if it's not one thing, it's another.  Just as we thought all medical issues in our family were resolved, another one was discovered.  After months and months of Wesley being sick nonstop and even getting sick multiple times while taking antibiotics, we decided to run tests to see what might be causing these issues.  Preliminary tests are showing that he has deficiencies in his immune system.  We still have quite a few more tests to run on him to identify what might be causing this and how serious it is, but based on his initial results, our immunologist gave us worst case scenarios that were not encouraging to hear.  We are praying the rest of his test results will show that drastic measures are not necessary.

In the midst of learning this, I was introduced to Matt Hammitt (of Sanctus Real) and his solo album Every Falling Tear, which includes many songs that he wrote after his son was born in 2010 with a serious heart defect.  His song This Is Grace has encouraged me countless times over the past few weeks, and I often find myself singing the words of the chorus as I go about my daily routines.

Wesley's diagnosis and subsequent medical issues have shown me that I am helpless without Christ - and this is grace!  I am thankful that Christ did not leave me helpless, but that He came to earth to be born as a man and to give His life for me.  And I rejoice that He has not allowed me to pridefully be self-sufficient but has shown me that I am helpless without Him. This is His grace as I walk through the dark night that is the effect of the curse in this world.  I have been marked by suffering, but as a result, I have found my joy.

And one day, the sun will rise!



This Is Grace
Matt Hammitt

The reason for our suffering
Is to help us realize
That in sickness and in death
We are helpless without Christ
And the reason for our blindness
Is for Jesus to open our eyes
Bless the Lord, bless the Lord

This is grace, this is grace
When we walk through the dark night
This is grace, this is grace
So we wait for the sunrise
How I long for the sunrise

Your glory has always been shining
Since the beginning of time
But in the face of darkness
How radiant Your light
Bless the Lord, bless the Lord

This is grace, this is grace
When we walk through the dark night
This is grace, this is grace
When we wait for the sunrise
How I long for the sunrise

And the ones who are marked by suffering
Are the ones who have found their Joy
To be conquerors in all these things
Struck down but not destroyed
Bless the Lord, bless the Lord

This is grace, this is grace
When we walk through the dark night
This is grace, this is grace
So we wait for the sunrise

This is grace, this is grace
When we walk through the dark night
This is grace, this is grace
So we wait for the sunrise
And I have faith the sun will rise