My Heart

My dear Liam,

When I look into your beautiful grey eyes as they smile back at me, how is it that my heart can be full of such joy and sorrow at the same time?

You are the most happy and content baby I have ever met.  Your personality is delightful and your smile is charming.  Every time someone picks you up and talks to you, you coo back and bless them with your huge smiles.  You love to interact with others.  Even when you are upset, instead of just crying, you coo in a way that sounds like expressive complaining.

We don't have very many toys out for you, because when they come out your big brother confiscates them.  But I am amazed at how content you are just watching those around you. You will happily "talk" to Zach as he plays with his legos or smile as Daddy wrestles with your big brothers.

When I pull out your jungle gym, you can entertain yourself for what seems like hours just batting at your toys and watching them swing back and forth.  The other day I realized that you had been in your jungle gym for forty-five minutes while I worked with Wesley, you were way overdue for a nap, and you were still happily playing without even a bit of fussing.  How is it that you can be so content for so long?

At every nap time, you complain for two or three minutes at the most and then go right to sleep.  You have been sleeping for eight hours a night since you were five weeks old, which is truly amazing. Then last night you slept for nine hours when Mommy accidentally slept in.  It made me think that you would sleep for longer every night if I didn't have to wake you up so early to get everyone out the door on time every morning.

When I pick you up, my heart is filled with joy that God gave you to me - the third boy I thought I'd never have.

But when I look into your sweet eyes, sorrow also bubbles up in my soul.  I was just telling Daddy the other day that some day you will break my heart.  Every time you smile at me and coo, I remember that Wesley never made eye contact; Wesley never cooed.  When you hold your head up so high and so straight without wobbling, I am reminded of the countless hours we spent working with Wesley so that he could do what you do so effortlessly.  As I cradle you in my arms and feed you, I think of how much I missed not being able to do that with Wesley. Looking over at you while you play in your jungle gym, I remember how disappointed I was that Wesley never played with it.  Because of sensory issues, he hated being on his back, and he never figured out how to swing his arms to bat at the toys.  (Instead he learned how to roll over so he could get out of there!)

As you get older, you will have to forgive me when I praise you for your successes with tears in my eyes.  I hope you will understand.  I love you so much and I will rejoice with you at all of your accomplishments.  But I love your brother too, and your achievements will always be a reminder to me of his limitations.

I pray that over time God will strengthen my heart to handle the struggles that will come my way with grace.  I pray that God will give you a soft heart that understands my pain and my joy.  I often ask God to give you a kind heart toward your big brother so that as you surpass him in your achievements, you do so with gentleness and compassion.

Liam, your name means unwavering protector, and it would be my greatest joy to see you live up to your name, never wavering in your loving protection of your older brother.  I often think, when I look at you, that God gave you to us specifically as a blessing for your big brother.  As you grow up, I pray that you will take your brother by the hand and bring him alongside you, protecting him, caring for him, loving him, and befriending him.  Long after Mommy and Daddy are gone, I pray that he will have you, his resolute guardian, by his side.

I love you my son.  You are my joy and my delight, and every day I thank God for His kindness in giving you to me.

Love,
Mama