Concentrating

I love watching Wesley play with his Wedgits. He just recently figured out how to stack toys, and he loves building towers and pulling them apart. This kid is definitely not a quitter. He still hasn't figured out that there is an order to where each piece goes, but he keeps working at it patiently each time until he figures it out. Instead of getting frustrated, he seems to enjoy the challenge.

God Exists

And without faith it is impossible to please him,

for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists

and that he rewards those who seek him.

Hebrews 11:6

So often I live as if God does not exist. I struggle through many days in my own strength, rushing from one doctor's appointment to another, hurrying home for the umpteenth therapy session of the week, squeezing in time to read a book to Zach before the next item on the schedule, feeding the boys, feeling remorse for the times I responded impatiently to Zach rather than patiently training and instructing him, and feeling guilty for all the things I should have done that day that I didn't get to (therapy with Wesley, preschool with Zach, play time with the boys, etc...). It's as if I believe that it is up to me to provide the best care for my children and that their success in life and eternal salvation is fully dependent on me. Praise the Lord that this is not true!

When I cut God out of the picture and attempt to do everything in my own strength, I often find myself fearful of the future, angry at my children, and overwhelmed by my circumstances. I am depriving myself of the joy of knowing God and fellowshipping with him. God has given me these children, and God will also give me the grace to raise them as they need to be raised. He WILL help me! He has promised that he will reward me if I cry out to him and diligently seek him.

Over the past 18 months, the Lord has already begun to give me a taste of his precious reward. The fellowship of knowing God and seeing more of who he is (his great love for us shown most clearly by the death of his Son for our sins & his sovereign care over every moment of our lives) as I have cried out to him and sought him in these trials, is a priceless and precious reward.

Glasses

This morning I started reading 2 Corinthians and was reading 1:1-11, which the Lord used to encourage my soul. He was so kind to remind me again that he is the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort who comforts me in my affliction. And, he is using these afflictions to make me rely not on myself but on God, who raises the dead. On Him I have set my hope, that He will deliver me again!

I was so grateful that the Lord led me to read these verses this morning, as I was in great need of his mercy and comfort at Wesley's ophthalmologist appointment today. (Zach handled himself wonderfully throughout the hour and a half appointment - which I know was a miracle and a gift to me from the Lord!) We found out that Wesley's vision has significantly deteriorated over the past year. He went from having normal vision last summer to only being able to see clearly up to 6 inches away now.

I realized as soon as I found out the news that my greatest concern was that Wesley would look even more different with glasses and get even more stares and questions and funny looks. It seems that the Lord is using this as yet another opportunity to peel away a layer of pride and teach me humility. I was again reminded that my hope is not in Wesley looking normal but in God, who raises the dead and who loves Wesley more than I ever could.

The Lord has helped me to see these glasses as a gift to help Wesley see better rather than just another thing that will make him look different. I am looking forward to how his improved vision will help him to develop in other areas as the whole world opens up before his very eyes.

Now we just have to hope that he will realize that it is his glasses that help him to see and let us keep them on his face!

17 months

My sweet Wesley is growing up so fast. It is hard to believe that my baby is almost a year and a half old now! Where has the time gone? Wesley is our little bundle of joy. He delights in life and loves to laugh. I regularly come into the room to find Zach performing comedic acts and Wesley laughing so hard his little belly is shaking.

He loves to play with things that can spin, like wheels on a truck. Whenever he comes across such a toy, he first inspects it with his hands, carefully spinning it around and watching it intently. Then he gets that look in his eye of pure delight, opens his mouth, sticks out his tongue, and enjoys the pure pleasure of having the wheel spin across his tongue.

I love watching how much Wesley enjoys being with people. If he comes into a room and sees one of us there, a smile will light up his face and he will come over to us as fast as he can, laughing all the way. He loves to give us hugs and kisses and play games such as "duck, duck, goose", throwing a ball back and forth, or any other game he might make up on the spot.

It has been very exciting to see him take a few big steps developmentally over the past two months.

• Due to sheer determination and an "I will not give up no matter how many times I fall down and no matter how much it hurts" attitude, Wesley started walking at 15 months. As evidenced by the black eye in the photos above, he still has balance issues and run-ins with inanimate objects. But, he is improving each day.
• He has started saying "dada" and "all done" (ada) and signing "all done".
• He comes when we say "Come to mama/dada" and obeys (most of the time) when we say "no"
• He has started giving us things when we say "Give it to mama/dada".
• He kisses us back when we kiss him.
• He lifts his arms up to show that he wants us to pick him up.
• He is learning how to use his pincer grasp.
• He is eating crackers and veggie straws & drinking out of a sippy cup all by himself.

We have been so encouraged as we have seen him grow in his receptive language and language comprehension. Thank you Lord for the work that you are doing in our precious son.

We love you Wesley! Your joy and laughter are contagious, and we love watching you grow up!

Milestones

As a mom of a special needs child, "milestones" is one of those words that I dread to hear. Any time Wesley is compared to a milestones chart, he always falls short. And as he grows older, he will only fall farther and farther behind when compared to an average child.

My first big run-in with the milestone chart was when Wesley turned one. When I think back to when Zach turned one, I think back on all the excitement of that first birthday. This is the monumental moment when a child goes from being a baby to being a toddler. They start walking, talking, eating table food at meals with the rest of the family, playing games, and so on.

When Wesley turned one, my response was very different. It hit me even harder than it ever had before that things are going to be different for Wesley. He was still drinking from a bottle and not even trying to hold it on his own, had just learned to sit up at 11 months (although he had been army crawling since 7 1/2 months), was refusing to eat any solid foods that were not Gerber 2nd baby foods, and was not even remotely close to talking, signing, or walking.

One day as I was grieving over the life that Wesley would never have, a dear friend shared with me that she had been praying for me and felt that the Lord had laid it on her heart to encourage me with the fact that Wesley may not be meeting the milestones in the time frame that an average child might meet them, but that doesn't matter. God has a perfect milestone chart for Wesley, and I can know with confidence that Wesley will meet every milestone on His chart at exactly the right time. This has been such a comfort for me to come back to time and time again. Whenever I am tempted to compare Wesley to other kids or be discouraged/worried about him because we have been working for what seems like forever on something and he's still not doing it, I go back to that and remember that Wesley will do everything that God has planned for him to do in exactly the time frame that God has planned for him to do it.

While I know it will still be hard for me every time Wesley's milestones are mapped to a chart, I rejoice that I can trust God's good and perfect plan for Wesley's life.

Psalm 139:13-16

¹³ For you created Wesley's inmost being;

you knit him together in my womb.

¹⁴ I praise you because Wesley is fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

¹⁵ Wesley's frame was not hidden from you
when he was made in the secret place.
When he was woven together in the depths of the earth,

¹⁶ your eyes saw Wesley's unformed body.
All the days ordained for him
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

This Psalm has been such a comfort to my soul and a precious promise for me to cling to throughout the months since Wesley was born. God knit Wesley together, and he is fearfully and WONDERFULLY made! Wesley's frame is not hidden from the Lord, and all of his days were ordained before even one of them came to pass.

When I am tempted to fear the future or to worry about when Wesley will learn to walk without falling, talk, sign, or eat solid foods, I can cling to the promise that all of Wesley's milestones have been ordained too. They will come to pass in perfect accordance with God's wonderful plan for Wesley's life.

Psalm 13:6

"But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, because he has dealt bountifully with me." Psalm 13:6

Lord, please help me to trust in your steadfast love. Even when my circumstances seem to say that you have forgotten me, or that you are not dealing with me according to your love, please turn my eyes back to your Word and help me to believe the promises that I find there. Your steadfast love toward me and toward our family never ceases. You give me new mercy and new grace each morning to walk through the day that you have set out for me. Great is Your faithfulness!

O Lord, may my heart always rejoice in your salvation. Fill me with the joy that comes from knowing that you have provided for my greatest need in sending your Son to pay the penalty for my sins. Romans 8:32 says, "He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" Since you gave up your Son to provide for my greatest need, how can I not trust in your steadfast love toward me? How can I not trust that you are working all of these things for my eternal good? How can I not believe that you will give me everything that I need as I seek to both care for Wesley and also try to effectively care for Zach, manage my household, and love & serve my husband? Lord, thank you for the promise that your grace is sufficient for me! May I cling to this promise every moment of every day.

Lord, you truly have dealt bountifully with me. Thank you for your abundant grace and mercy and love that you pour out on me each day. Thank you for the two wonderful boys and the wonderful husband that you have given to me. Thank you for the wonderful church that you have placed us in and for all care that we have received from friends at our church since Wesley has been born. Thank you most of all for saving me from my sin and for making me your child. You have blessed me beyond measure. Thank you Lord!