Upheld Until the Evening Comes

Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes.*

"So we do not lose heart.  Though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day.  For this slight, momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen.  For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."  2 Corinthians 4:16-18

For I know Thy power will keep me
Till I'm home with Thee at last.*

Whatever afflictions we are passing through, and whatever trials lie before us, we do not lose heart.  For these trials are only momentary afflictions in light of all eternity.  While our outer natures most certainly are wasting away, let us lift our eyes from our transient circumstances and look to Jesus.  For we know that His power will keep us and uphold us as He prepares for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.  One day we will be home with Him at last, and on that day He will wipe away every tear from our eyes.

We will be singing when the evening comes.

* lyrics from 10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord) by Matt Redman and Come Thou Fount

A Long (and long-awaited) Update

Six months have flown by since my last update on Wesley's developmental progress, so I thoght I'd take a minute to stop and reflect on all that the Lord is doing in his life.

Wesley has been blessed with a fantastic team at school.  God has truly given his teacher a gift.  She manages a classroom of children with special needs with extraordinary skill and customizes her teaching to each individual child.  She is also backed up by a wonderful team of therapists and teaching assistants.  We are so thankful that the Lord has provided Wesley with such a good learning environment that so perfectly fits his needs.

Just in the past two months, since school started back up for the fall, we've seen Wesley grow by leaps and bounds.

He can now walk safely up and down a flight of stairs just holding the rail.  In fact, this week I watched him walk up a flight of stairs with alternating steps.  As well, he can walk up about six steps and down two without holding onto anything.  He is much safer at playgrounds as well.  I find myself not hovering six inches away from him to protect him from obliviously walking off an opening eight feet up and crashing to the ground.  Instead, I can step back and watch as he explores and goes down the slides himself.

Fine motor skills are not one of Wesley's strengths, but we have seen improvements here as well.  He can now string beads on a string, imitate drawing horizontal and vertical lines, and he is beginning to imitate drawing circles.  He loves to stack duplo blocks to create large towers and patiently works to set up his bowling pins so he can knock them down.  Wesley also does a great job of eating with a spoon and is slowly improving with his fork eating.  (At this point, fingers are way easier than forks, so we are having to push through that a bit.)

Jumping on the cushions...a favorite pastime!

On the other hand, in the last few months we have watched Wesley take several large steps backward with regard to sensory issues.  While he had mostly stopped licking things at the start of the school year, after several illnesses he's back into wanting to lick and spin everything all the time.  So we are working to help him find other ways to explore his environment, but this has been an uphill battle.

One thing we often try to do with Wesley when he's struggling to regulate his body sensorywise is read books.  We received an an amazing home-made book from Courtney at Pudge & Biggs, which we've used to teach Wesley how to count to five.  (If anyone creative ever wants a suggestion for what to give Wesley, more books like this to work on other things we're trying to teach him would be a godsend!)  As well, we pull out his magnadoodle and write letters for him to identify.  He currently knows all of his capital letters except for W.  Poor kid has crazy parents who gave him a first name that starts with the most difficult letter to say in the entire alphabet.  Someone should have told them not to make things so hard on their son!

Pinning big brother!  Such fun!

At the recommendation of Wesley's occupational therapist at Easter Seals, we switched his communication device to accommodate a 32 picture screen rather than it's previous 15 picture screen.  I think all of us have been a bit shocked at how quickly Wesley learned to maneuver through his new device.  That kid knows where every picture is and how it is categorized.  It is a reminder to us of just how much he knows and understands.

The update of his communication device has also sparked an explosion of words.  Wesley regularly sits at his device, pushes buttons, and then repeats the words.  As a result, Wesley now has about 50 words* that he uses on a consistent basis.  He is beginning to use more and more of these words independently without being cued to speak, which is a huge step for him.  His verbal motor plan is starting to come together.  As well, he has started to string two words together.  This is still very difficult for him, but the other day Daddy was very proud of his defiance when he was instructed to go one way and instead pointed the opposite direction and said, "No, that!"

Sometimes it is hard to keep your little brother away from your communication device!

Wesley now answers yes and no questions, which is something we have been working on for over a year now.  What a joy it is to ask him if he wants something and get a clear answer rather than having to guess.

As well, Wesley now initiates playing games more often than he used to.  Just in the last week, he has pulled out a puzzle to put together, pulled out his bowling pins and asked me to set them up, asked me to get his sword so he could run around swinging it and yelling "yah, yah!" in the back yard, and brought his counting book to me for us to read together.

Caught in the act of sharing a snack with baby brother!

We are so proud of our precious son.  Learning is an uphill battle for him, but he keeps at it, and every milestone met is a huge accomplishment for him.  And what a joy it is to look back over six months and see how far he has come.

* Wesley's words:  Mommy, Daddy, Zach (gak), baby, Liam (mum), yes (ess), no, more, up, off, in, open (ohpuh), juice (guih), teddy graham (teddy mahm), cracker, sauce, eat, snack  (nagh), this (dis), that (dat), all done (ah dee), car, go, on, ball, ball popper (bah pah), coke, I, want, poopy, one, two (koo), three (pee), four, five, help (pep), clap (pup), night night (nah nah), burp (bup), toy (gee), cake, milk (muh), bowling (buh buh), gears, play, hi, bye, Wes.

I'll protect you Mom!  Yah!  Yah!

Why?

Why, when faced with the trials of this life, do some people turn to the Lord to find refuge while others walk away, shaking their fist at God?

For those of us who are believers, who have trusted in Jesus to save us from our sins, why do we respond so differently to suffering?  Why do some, in the midst of great grief and pain, see and trust God's goodness more than ever before, finding that when everything else is stripped away, Jesus is more than enough, while others see only what has been taken away and doubt God's goodness?

Why do some people implicitly trust that God will work all things for their good, believing that even in the hardest of times, God is working to make them more like Himself, while others respond angrily to the Lord, questioning how He could ever allow such things to happen if He truly loves His children?

Why do some people look a their suffering from an eternal perspective, seeing today's trials as a light and momentary affliction in comparison to the eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison that awaits us in heaven, while others see their suffering as a never-ending abyss and wish they could just curse God and die?

For those of us who are saved, why does God grow some of our roots deep as we flourish and flower through the deep suffering we walk through, while others of us seem to shrivel up as soon as the tempest comes?

If two people seemingly love the Lord with all their hearts before they are faced with a trial, how is it that in the midst of walking through a seemingly never-ending onslaught of trials, one of them can find themselves safely resting in the arms of the Lord, protected from the arrows of the enemy, strengthened moment by moment, sustained by God's grace, more aware of God's love than ever before, and longing for that day when they will see Jesus face to face, while the other can reach a point of doubting their salvation, no longer believing that God is good, and standing in accusation of God?

At one time in my life, I might have said that the person who trusts God in the midst of trials is more godly than the one who doubts everything they ever believed. They are bearing the fruit of roots that have grown down deep and are now reaching the water far below ground even as famine has come over the land.  But is it necessarily true that those who question God and find Him to be no refuge for them in the midst of the storm are experiencing the result of shallow and weak roots?  Can we just assume that those who crumble under the weight of their suffering are reaping the consequences of building their lives on a foundation that was not sure?  Can those who walk through trials by faith, with hope and without doubting, truly say, in their pride, that we as humans have the ability to dictate how we walk through these things, and that those who walk through trials on sure footing have done so because of their own ability to cling to the promises of God and believe them?

While it is true that some who stand in accusation of God may find that they never truly were saved (they never did trust in the saving grace of Jesus), perhaps others are not just reaping the consequences of a faulty foundation.  Just as Satan demanded to sift Job and Peter like wheat, so I am sure that he has made similar requests for others.  In 1 Peter 5, we are reminded to be watchful and sober-minded, for our adversary, the devil, is prowling around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to destroy.  Why the Lord protects some of His children from sifting while allowing others to be sifted to the point of being nearly destroyed is something we may never understand.  But we do know that after we have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called us to His eternal glory, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish us.

One day, those who walk through trials full of faith and joy in the Lord will join those who were seemingly crushed by their burdens and left questioning everything they had ever believed about God.  The God of all grace will draw each and every one of us to Him, and He will restore all that the enemy, the sufferings of this life, and our own sin have taken from us.  He will confirm us as His dearly beloved children. He will strengthen our weary hands and feet. And He will finally and ultimately establish us on the rock.

A Beautiful Day

Yesterday we enjoyed a beautiful autumn day, complete with sunshine and warm weather. As Zach quickly learned, with that also came responsibilities!

Daddy and Zach were tasked with a massive job yesterday...raking and bagging up 22 bags of leaves!  And our trees are only half-way through shedding their leaves.  In a couple of weeks my boys will be blessed with the opportunity of doing it all over again.

Upon awakening from their naps, Wesley and Liam joined them outside and enjoyed the fruits of their labor.

Liam loved exploring the sticks and leaves.  Of course, we also spent half of our time digging leaves out of his mouth.  Why is it that leaves are so delicious to a child who refuses to eat food?

I assumed Liam would not be a fan of the the poky leaf pile.  Boy was I wrong.  He was right in his element, giggling with delight.

Then he was off to investigate the rest of the yard.

My boys humored me by posing for pictures.  Wesley was not thrilled with the leaf experience, but he joined his brothers for the pictures.  I'm still looking forward to the day when all three boys look at the camera and smile at the same time!

The Hidden Word

With having a baby comes fogginess of mind.  I don't know if it's nursing mama hormones or adjusting to the chaos and busyness of a new baby in the house, but during the first year of my children's lives, my mind is always a blur.  I am unable to concentrate, recall very little of what I read, and notice that much of what is said to me goes in one ear and out the other.  Wesley was the exception to this rule.  In His kindness, the Lord gave me a clear mind during Wesley's infancy, allowing me to cling to His truth, meditate on His promises, and manage the busy lifestyle that came from having hundreds of doctor's appointments and therapy sessions.

With Liam's birth, the old familiar fogginess returned.  In fact, earlier this summer I was discouraged at how much I was struggling to recall what I read in the Bible each morning.  In general, I felt dull toward the things of God.

As I look back though, God was at work even in the midst of the fog.  While I seemed unable to meditate on God's word at the time, the Scripture I diligently worked to memorize each morning was being hidden away in my heart and preparing me for future storms.  The patterns of consistently reading God's word, praying, and memorizing verses, even when the endeavors seemed fruitless and discouraging, were building for me a sure foundation to stand on when the waters came crashing in.

The moment that the storm hit, the fog was immediately washed away.  My mind could again see and think clearly, and one of the first things I saw was how the Lord, since the beginning of this year, has been preparing me and growing my roots deep into Scripture, for such a time as this.

Suddenly, all of the verses I memorized have become promises to cling to and words of comfort to my soul.

In Psalm 103, I am reminded that the Lord's steadfast love toward me is as high as the heavens are above the earth, and that just as a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear Him.  I cling to promise that He will redeem my life from the pit and crown me with steadfast love and mercy.

In Psalm 16:11, I rejoice that no matter how severe the trial we are walking through, God has made known to me the path of life.  Whatever else I may face, I can know that in His presence there is fullness of joy.

Philippians 4:11-13 teaches me that contentment in the midst of trials is not something that comes naturally.  It is not easy to stop fighting the current and trust that God will sustain me. This is something that must be learned.  And it comes through Christ, who gives me strength. As David Mathis said,

Jesus is big enough to sustain us when we’re low. He’s strong enough to hold us when we’re at our weakest. We can do all things — not just the things we want most to do, but even (and especially) the things we want least to do — through Jesus who strengthens us.   

So when you’re at your highest, turn to Jesus in gratitude and for the strength to take the next step. And when you’re at your lowest, turn to Jesus in faith that he’ll provide for you the strength to keep going.  

It’s true — in Jesus we really can do all things — especially, be content in him in the midst of life’s most difficult, painful, and tragic circumstances. Leaning always on the Savior is learning the secret for everything.

1 Peter 5:6-11 is confirmation that we have an adversary who is seeking to devour us.  I am encouraged to resist the devil and stand firm in my faith, with the promise that after I have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish me.  Oh what a beautiful promise this is!  One day, the God of all grace will restore me.  And I won't just one day realize that God has used other means to bring restoration.  No, God himself will come and restore me.  He will strengthen my weary soul and establish me on solid ground.

And oh, the beautiful promises of Psalm 91.  When I call to the Lord, He will answer me!  He will be with me in trouble!  And what joy fills my heart that He will show me His salvation.

In Isaiah 53:4-6, I am stunned by the reality that Jesus Himself bore my griefs and carried my sorrows.  Oh what a heavy load for Him to bear.  And He was wounded and crushed for my sins.  He received the punishment that brought me peace.  Now, because Jesus bore my griefs, carried my sorrows, and was crushed for my sin, I know the peace of God that surpasses all understanding.

As I reflect on these verses and how the Lord has used them to carry me through the past month and a half, I can say with confidence that 1 Corinthians 10:13 is true.  God is faithful, and He has not allowed these trials to tempt me beyond what I am able to bear.  But with these trials and temptations, He has provided me the way of escape, that I have been able to stand up under it.  The way of escape has been running to Him and clinging to the promises from His word that He hid in my heart to prepare me for this time.  The burden is still there.  The trials are still real.  But now, by the grace of God, these trials have not crushed me.  God is daily lifting me up so that I can stand up under the weight of the trials we are walking through.

All-Sufficient Grace

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecution, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.  2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Multiple people in the past month have commented on how I seem to always have it all together.  They have remarked on how patient I am with my children, how peaceful I am, and how cheerfully I go about my busy days.

The irony of this is not lost on me.

I can assure you that I most certainly do not have it all together.  My eyes are red from weeping.  My ability to focus and concentrate is at an all time low.  My patience is worn thin. My body shakes from a mixture of running through life farther and longer than I ever thought I could, forgetting to eat, and the anxieties that are always just below the surface.

But in the midst of this, I have been upheld by God's sufficient grace.  In my weakness, His power is shining gloriously.  Several weeks ago I prayed that the power of Christ would rest upon me, and the Lord has graciously heard my cries and granted my request.  Every morning when I wake up, I am freshly aware of His power resting on me and His promises of sufficient grace for the day ahead.

Anything good that anyone might see in me is not me, but Christ in me.  Any patience I show to my children is not because of any natural patience within me.  It is only by God's grace that I could show any patience to anyone in my present state.  Any peace that I have is the peace of God that surpasses all understanding that is guarding my heart and my mind.  Any cheerfulness that radiates from my soul is a gift from God.

To Him be all the glory.

To personalize a quote from Charles Spurgeon, "God's grace is being illustrated and magnified in the trials our family is walking through right now.  Today, I will choose to bear up under every discouragement, for I truly do believe that all things will work together for my good, and that out of these apparent evils a real blessing shall ultimately spring -- that my God will either work a deliverance for me speedily or most assuredly support me in the trouble, as long as He is pleased to keep me in it....  If I would glorify my God, I must set my account upon meeting many trials.  I cannot be illustrious before the Lord unless my conflicts be many.  Since then, mine is a much-tried path, I will rejoice in it, because I will the better show forth the all-sufficient grace of God.  As for His failing me, I will never dream of it -- I will hate the thought.  The God who has been sufficient until now, should be trusted to the end."

* Photo by Stephanie Lathrop

Looks Can Be Deceiving

Would you ever believe that this is my little guy with feeding aversions?

Can it be that this is the baby who has lost over a pound in the past week, dropping him off of the growth chart?

Don't let him fool you with his little smirk.

This little kiddo is a stinker!

Sorry buddy, your secret's out!

Now let's get back to that ice cream.