My Boys and Their Daddy

My boys are so very blessed to have a Daddy who loves them, delights in spending time with them, and faithfully cares for them.  They know that they are never an inconvenience for their Daddy.  Even when they come to him with the most insignificant of problems, he always comforts them, hugs them, and shows them by example that what matters to them, matters to him.

My boys have a Daddy who invests in the details of their lives.  He gets down on the floor and plays with them even when he is exhausted from a long day's work.  He praises them for a job well done on projects they bring home from school.  He wipes away their tears.  He chases them and tickles them, joining in with their laughter.

My boys have a Daddy who cares about their souls.  He faithfully reads to them from God's word, answers their hard questions in a way they can understand, and prays with them. He is diligent in training them up in the way that they should go.

My boys have a Daddy who loves them very much and is determined to always be there for them.  And they know it.  They love him, trust him, and are happiest when they are with him.

I couldn't ask for anything more.

Ah-Choo!

Some days, everything goes perfectly according to plan.

You convince Mommy and Daddy to take you out for lunch.  Then, amazingly, your big brother and little brother both take naps.  So you fool your parents into letting you stay up.

Suddenly, you realize you have Mommy and Daddy all to yourself for the next two hours.  You quickly sucker them into playing a game with you by flashing your sweet smile.

What follows is a hilarious game of sneezing the hat off, which by the way is one of your favorite games.  You and Mommy and Daddy take turns putting on the hat and then nodding your heads while saying, "Ah-ah-ah-ah-choo!"  As the word "choo" is spoken, the hat goes flying off.

Each time, you giggle at the funny joke you are sharing with Mommy and Daddy.  What you don't know is that Mommy and Daddy love playing with you just as much as you love playing with them.

They delight in laughing with you.  Some day, you'll have to pull the wool over their eyes again and play another special nap-time game with them.

Verbal Extravaganza

 Dearest Liam,

It seems that in the time that it took me to blink, you went from a little 11 month old with huge verbal delays to a 16 month old who talks nonstop.  When I look at you, I see God's mercy and kindness, both on you and on our family.  I often have to fight back tears as you run around talking with such excellent articulation.  Your words are beautiful, my son. I never fully appreciated your oldest brother's gift with speech, but with you, I take nothing for granted.  Every new word that you say is a reason to rejoice.  Every two word phrase you speak is a moment for me to pause and thank God.

Your struggles are not over, and I am very aware of how sensory and motor planning issues may affect you for the rest of your life.  But for now, I am rejoicing in how God has used your wonderful therapists to give your little body the kick start it needed.

As I sat down to write, I thought I'd do a quick tally to see how many words you are speaking now.  Needless to say, I was shocked to find that I came up with a list of over 70 words in just a few minutes.  And many of these words are spoken so clearly that even a stranger could understand you.  As well, you started using two word phrases a month ago and regularly surprise me again as you put different words together.

I love sitting down with you to take your shoes off.  You start repeatedly saying "shoe off" until I remove your shoes.  Then, you give me a little grin, grab your socks, and start saying "pull" with such a groan that I must suppress a laugh at your exaggerated effort.

Another thing I love about you is that you enjoy walking around the house pointing out things that are off limits and saying to me with a very serious face, "No! No, no touch!"  Other times, when I'm emptying the dishwasher or something else that you are very interested in, you quickly run over and start touching everything.  Then you seriously look up at me, say "No, no touch!", give me your mischievous grin, and continue touching with a little giggle.  You are going to give me a run for my money as you grow up, little mister.  That much is already apparent.

You also do a great job of reminding yourself "no hit" before hitting me in the face, laughing loudly, and then going back to hit me again.  It seems that you are picking up on some of your big brother's less appropriate behaviors.  (You also love to spin in circles with him while laughing and saying "spin".)  Don't you worry; we are addressing these behaviors!  But the good news is that you will (hopefully) grow out of these things much sooner than he will, as it is obvious that you are doing these things out of imitation and admiration of your big brother rather than as a need for proprioceptive and vestibular input.

Which reminds me, one of my favorite phrases of yours is "Out? Ok!", which you say to me when I come in to get you out of your crib in the morning.  I particularly love this because you have picked it up from your big brother, who regularly asks and then answers his own questions, such as "I want snack!  Yes?  Ok!"  It is such a joy to me to see how closely you watch your big brothers and, in your admiration of them, how much you desire to emulate them.

In fact, when your big brother is napping, I have to be on my toes to catch you before you run over to his door, loudly proclaiming "open door".  I'm still not sure if you are missing him or his toys more, but either way, it is endearing to see how you notice that he is gone and want me to help you find him.

Then this morning you surprised me as I was packing you up to head out for speech/feeding therapy (which you are ever so close to graduating from! You just need to start drinking out of anything other than your bottle, which you are firmly attached to!)  As I told you we were going to see Miss Char, you looked up at me with your little serious face and said "Char. Eat." Yes, little buddy, that's right.  We're going to go see Miss Char and work on your eating skills. Clearly, your speech skills are good to go at this point.

And can I take a moment to be honest with you Liam?  Sometimes, as I listen to you speak with such effortlessness, I feel a twinge of pain in my heart.  It hurts to watch you already begin to surpass your brother verbally.  My heart sometimes feels like it's being tied up in knots as I hear your amazing clarity of speech and then watch your brother struggle so much to say a word.  I am so very proud of you.  And I want you to know that.  I will always be your biggest cheerleader.  But since I'm your brother's biggest cheerleader too, my heart breaks as I am reminded of just how hard this life is for him.  You see, I love him just as much as I love you, and watching your effortless speech is a reminder to me of just how hard everything is and will be for him in this life.  Please be patient with me, my son.  Please forgive the times that I have tears in my eyes as I watch your magnificent accomplishments.

While I am being honest with you, I pray for you, my son, that God will give you a tender but strong heart.  I pray that your heart will be strong enough to withstand the mocking that you will surely receive for associating with your brother.  And I pray that your heart will remain tender toward your big brother for the rest of your life.  May you always be patient with him, coming alongside him and guiding him through this life. It is only a matter of a year or so before you surpass him in every way.  When you do that, please don't leave him in the dust. Take him by the hand and help him.  Be his best friend and his protector.  Show this world what it means to love Jesus in the way that you love your brother.

I love you, my son.  Your laugh is infectious, and your joy permeates everything that you do. You bring sunlight into our home just by being here.  We are so blessed to have you!

Love,
Mama

* Your words at 16 months (at least what I can remember):  open, up, down, close, help, please, monkey, bear, circle, beep, bagel, pizza, milk, coke, more, door, car, shoe, sock, pull, off, no, touch, march, Bob (the tomato), run, Zach, bite, burger, fry, cow, dog, woof woof, pig, block, eat, duck, quack quack, night night, giraffe, pants, shirt, brush, toes, foot, cracker, all done, all gone, nugget, sit, push, spin, hit, medicine, yellow, blue, book, ball, hi, bye, juice, hug, poop, oh no!, oh my!, plate, fork, spoon, sword, baby, waffle, cookie

Four Years of Joy

My dearest Wesley,

Last week we celebrated four years of life, four years that have brought much change to our family and much joy.

This past year has been a big year for you.  You have now completed your first year of school, and we are so very proud of you.  As I look back on the past twelve months, I am amazed at how far you have come.  You now speak in two word phrases all the time, including your constant requests to us this week to "sing Birthday!"  You know all of your capital letters and more than half of your lowercase letters.  You are learning to count to ten, and I often hear you counting to yourself: "one, koo, fee, five, eight, nine, ten!  Yay!  Woohoo!"  You are your own best cheerleader, often praising yourself and cheering yourself on when you are working hard.  In fact, when we've asked you to do something you don't want to do, upon completion of the task, you will often clap for yourself while saying "Yay!"

This year you also learned to jump, walk up the stairs safely, walk down the stairs with supervision, and play much more safely on playgrounds.  Just this week, you climbed up the climbing wall at our park to go down the slide over and over again, determined to master the wall and so very proud of yourself every time you reached the top.  You have made great strides forward with fine motor skills, now drawing circles and crosses along with the vertical and horizontal lines we used to work on.  You do an excellent job of showing us how to draw a cross, first sliding your finger down the paper while saying "down" and then sliding your finger from left to right and saying "across".

We love listening to all the things you say now.  Last year you had about thirty words but still mostly used your picture board and communication device.  Now, you talk all the time. Instead of showing me pictures, I hear things like "eat yogurt" or "play outside" or "help please". As a result, I see so much less frustration in you because of a lack of an ability to communicate.  You tell us when you want to ride in the car, which toys you want to play with, what you want to eat, as well as who you played with at school.  You love to label things, such as "blue car" or "yellow block".  When we ask you yes or no questions, you answer them with ease, not even needing to pause to think about it.  You even tell us when you want to spin things, which is helpful since this is a behavior we are trying to curb.  Every time we drive past any fast food restaurant of any kind, I hear you calling out "eat fries" from the back seat with a hopeful voice.

I have also been encouraged recently with your willingness and ability to work more on diction and intelligibility in your speech.  Because of your struggles with oral motor skills and motor planning in general, speech clarity is difficult for you.  But as you grow older, we are able to work more on these things and are seeing such an improvement.  In fact, your love of letters has been such a help in this area, as we put together letters for you to work on sounding them out to make words.  You are by no means reading, but we are using these early reading tools to help you with diction since you love to learn this way.  We even found a fantastic app for Mommy's iphone to help with this, since using with Mommy's phone is always a draw for you.  In the past few weeks, you're slowly adding some "t"s and "s"s to your words. You now say "t-mummy" for tummy instead of "mummy", "ou-t" instead of "ouk", "s-poom" for spoon instead of "poom", and so on.  You still need that little pause to think about where to place your tongue, but the improvement is significant! We are so very proud of you!

You are such a sweet big brother, often sharing your snacks willingly and helping me to feed Liam while he is in the highchair.  You love to splash with him in the bathtub, and it thrills you to no end when he thinks what you're doing is funny.

And you are learning to play games with your big brother too.  You love to play Hullabaloo and a modified version of a Maisy Mouse matching game with him.  As well, games of chase, duck-duck-goose, and hide-and-go-seek in the dark with flashlights are always filled with much laughter from the two of you.

You have also grown tremendously this year in your ability to sit still and listen and to play independently. You now enjoy sitting in your cube chair and listening to us read you books, often listening to us read story after story.  I also catch you kicking balls around, building lego towers, stacking blocks, and building train tracks on your own these days.  Another thing you often do, which fills my heart with joy, is pull out your Bible story books from the shelf, paging through them, carefully examining the pictures, and babbling away as you are seemingly re-telling the stories you've heard me read so many times.

What brings me the most joy is seeing how very drawn you are to your Bible story books in comparison to any other book.  While you enjoy listening to any story, you will look at your Bible story books for long periods of time, often shocking me with how long your attention span can be for them.  You also suddenly have become interested in praying.  You fold your hands and sit quietly when we pray, saying "Amen" with us when we finish.  And you now repeat words to pray yourself as well.  Earlier this week, I was nearly brought to tears as I watched you earnestly pray to Jesus to help you after one failed blood prick for your annual blood draw.  After praying, you settled down, stopped fighting, and allowed the nurse to draw blood from your other arm.  Then you thanked Jesus for helping you.  Every woman in that room bore witness to how you brought your request to Jesus with the faith of a child and how Jesus answered your prayer, helping you  to sit still and obey even when you didn't want to. What a testament you were to the power of God and of His love for His children.

I love you so much, my son, and you bring such joy to my life.  I pray that this year you will understand even more of who Jesus is and how much He loves you, and that one day you will put your trust in Him as your Savior.  I pray that God will use your life to reflect His lovingkindness to all those around you, as it is evident that He is already doing.

Love,
Mommy

Our Therapist, Our Friend

Several weeks ago we said goodbye to a dear woman who had in many ways become like family to us in the year that we knew her.  She knew and understood the ins and outs of Wesley's strengths and struggles better than most, and she had a true gift in helping him.  With her guidance, Wesley began playing games this year and trying new things that had overwhelmed his sensory system up until now.  Through her instruction, we began implementing structures at home that have helped him to understand boundaries, routines, and rules.  As well, because of her own past, she could relate to Zach as Wesley's brother and was a help to me in encouraging me to pursue specific outlets for him.

When concerns for Liam began showing up, she recognized the red flags and took him under her wing.  She was able to quickly identify the sensory and motor planning areas that he most struggled with and put together a plan to help him, including beginning the same brushing and compression regimen we used to use with Wesley and putting him into a SPIO vest.  And God used her skill and care for our boy to completely change his life.  Within a month, he was a different child.  Now, four months later, the 40% delays in speech, feeding and fine motor skills are all but gone.

When I look back at the past year, I can clearly see how God brought her into our lives for such a time as this.  Our boys are different than they would have been because of her.  And although she has now moved on to new and exciting opportunities, she has given us wonderful tools to continue to help our boys as we move forward.  We will never forget her and the gift that she was to us.

The Love of God Displayed

A few weeks ago, as we faced the prospect of two surgeries, one to replace the tubes in Wesley's ears and one to repair my umbilical hernia, the thought of caring for our boys while also attempting to maintain our daily schedule of therapy and school seemed daunting, if not impossible.  But it was in the midst of this that God displayed His love and care for us.  God provided far and above all that we could have asked for, through ladies in our church who love Him and as a result have a heart to serve those in need around them.  We were so blessed to see firsthand what the love of God looks like as displayed through these dear ladies.

Love is offering (last minute) to leave your house by 5:15 in the morning to care for boys all day while their parents take their brother to the hospital for surgery.

Love is graciously following specific guidelines to bring delicious meals to a family full of picky eaters.

Love is spending a week full of twelve hour days caring for three boys while Mom lies nearby and watches.

Love, especially for a college student, is arriving at our house promptly at 6:30 every morning, ready to serve the moment you walk in the door.

Love is changing explosive diarrhea numerous times with a smile on your face.

Love is being slapped in the face more times in a week than you've been hit in your entire life and responding graciously each time.

Love is leaving your family to fend for themselves and coming over to watch the boys for an hour and clean up the house before Daddy walks in the door from a long day's work.

Love is emptying the dishwasher and cleaning the kitchen when you quickly notice that Mom is too weak even to lift a plate.

Love is joyfully playing with three boys even when you're weary and they have been pulling you in three directions all day long.

Love is playing games over and over and over again with a three-year-old who adores you and won't let you leave his side.

Love is stopping everything you are doing to comfort that same three-year-old who is in tears because he couldn't find you and feared that you were gone.

Love is rushing around to get boys from school to therapy to school to therapy to lunch to naps every day for a week with energy and a cheerful countenance.

Love is selflessly serving those in need, showing them the same love that Jesus has shown to you.

(And, it's possible that as you love this family, you will find that a sweet three-year-old little boy has carved out a little spot for himself in your heart and wrapped you around his little finger. While the family you are serving will never be able to thank you enough for everything you have done, you may just find it to be true that it is more blessed to give than to receive.)

Finding Refuge Through God's Word

This post is part of a series. Click on the following links to read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, and Part 4.

I want to conclude this series by introducing a woman who has been an example to me of what it looks like to find our refuge in God.

Krista Horning is the author of my favorite book on disability.  As she has walked through life with Apert Syndrome, God's sovereignty and goodness have become a refuge for her soul in the midst of a life she did not expect to live.

I had the opportunity to meet Krista last November at a conference on disability, and God's glorious grace radiates in her life.  This young lady has suffered much in her life.  She has fought hard to believe the promises of God, and she has found refuge in God as she has come to know Him through His Word.

At Desiring God's Disability Conference, she shared her testimony.  I was undone as I listened to her words:

Disability says ugly things to me.
It tells me I am alone.
I am different.
I am worthless.
I am weak.
It tells me my life is hopeless.
Disability lies to me, and sometimes it is easy to listen and believe.
Sometimes I don't want to live with a disability.
Sometimes I don't want to be who God made me to be.

She went on to share how God's word is a refuge to her soul, and what it looks like for her to cling to this refuge.  Then Krista concluded with these words:

For now I live with disability.
Disability still says ugly things to me.
Disability is a part of this broken sin-filled world.  

But God has so many beautiful things to say.
And so I’m filled with hope.
God’s words grow louder and louder in my life.
The glory of His grace and mercy grow stronger and stronger.  

I need to listen to His words.
I want to listen to His words.  

God's words change everything.
God’s beautiful words have changed my life.
And that is how I live with disability.

If you have ten minutes, listen to her testimony and be encouraged.

How Do We Find Refuge In God?

This post is part of a series.  Click on the following links to read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.

God is always our refuge, whether we are aware of it or not.  What changes is whether our eyes are on the storms of this life or whether we set our eyes on him and see who He is, what He has done for us on the cross, and what He promises to give us for all of eternity.  The question is not whether or not God is our refuge.  For those of us who have trusted in Jesus as our Savior, God has already promised that He is.  Praise God, that will never change.  The question is whether or not we are taking advantage of it.

So, if God is our refuge, what does it look like to find our refuge in Him?

I have heard it said that we find our refuge from the Lord when we set aside time to get away from our lives and spend time with Him.  But I don't think that's what it looks like.  I don't just find my refuge in the Lord when I am in my closet praying before the sun rises and I step out to face the day on my own.  I find my refuge in the Lord when the three boys and I are at the doctor, no one has eaten lunch, everyone is missing their naps, the boys are all crying, and yet, I am not overwhelmed.  In that moment, God is giving me a peace that surpasses understanding.  In that moment, He is my refuge.  My circumstances have not changed.  He has not removed me from the hardships of life.  But He has answered my cry for help.  He is with me.  And He is protecting my heart from crumbling to a state of being overwhelmed, anxious, and angry at my children.

But God is also my refuge when I don't see it.

He is my refuge when one of my sons receives another heartbreaking diagnosis that leaves me feeling like a failure of a parent.

He is my refuge when I am paralyzed with fear for the life of my husband.

He is my refuge when we are facing two (possibly three) upcoming surgeries, are struggling to find childcare help, and I am faced with the possibility that I will be unable to care for my family for three weeks.

He is my refuge when we add four therapies a week to our already packed schedule.

He is my refuge when I'm weighed down with guilt because I am not faithfully working with my boys each day to reinforce things they work on at therapy.

He is my refuge when I stagger under the weight of my responsibilities.

He is my refuge as I work unceasingly to help Wesley play appropriately rather than stimming.

He is my refuge when I wallow in self-condemnation for all of the times I ignore Wesley's behavior so that I can have a moment of quiet and rest.

He is my refuge when I weep at the affects of disability on our family.

He is my refuge when the words of Psalm 22 echo the cries of my heart.  "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning?  O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest."

As I cry out to the Lord with a broken heart, I read the words "In you our fathers trusted; they trusted and you delivered them.  To you they cried and were rescued; in you they trusted and were not put to shame."  It is true.  The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.  In that moment, I may not have a tangible sense of God's presence, but I know I have a promise.  As I desperately clutch the promise, I cry out, "But you, O Lord, do not be far off!  O you my help, come quickly to my aid!  Deliver my soul from the sword."  And He will.  He has promised that whatever else may happen, He will deliver my soul.  "For he has not despised or abhorred the affliction of the afflicted, and he has not hidden his face from him, but has heard, when he cried to him."

So, as Psalm 46 instructs us to "Be still, and know that I am God," let us ask the Lord to still our anxious hearts.  Our fretting won't change our circumstances.  It will only leave us tattered and worn.  Instead, let us come to Jesus with our broken and heavy laden hearts and there find rest for our weary souls.  In the midst of the trials that we walk through, let us lay our burdens at His feet and find refuge under His wings.  He will not leave us or forsake us.

God is a refuge for our souls.  He is our very present help in trouble.

God Is A Refuge For Our Souls

This post is part of a series.  Click on the following links to read Part 1 and Part 2.

In Psalm 7:1-2, the psalmist cries out, "O Lord my God, in you do I take refuge; save me from all my pursuers and deliver me, lest like a lion they tear my soul apart, rending it in pieces with none to deliver."

Here we get a picture of what finding our refuge in the Lord looks like.  It does not mean that the storm ceases and we are delivered from all of the trials we are walking through.  It does not mean that a man fighting cancer will not still slowly and agonizingly die, eventually leaving his wife and kids behind.  It does not mean that a family will not still struggle to make ends meet.  It does not mean that a child with disabilities will not still walk through the struggles of this life for all of their days.  What it does mean is that when the storms of this life hit us, which they will, God will be our refuge by saving our souls from being torn apart.  He will deliver our souls from being destroyed by the storm.

If we go back and look at Psalm 46, we see that the psalmist is finding his refuge in God in the midst of present trouble.  The earth is giving way; the mountains are being moved into the heart of the sea; the waters are roaring and foaming; the mountains themselves are trembling.  But yet, in the midst of this, he gives us a picture of what it looks like within the refuge.  The psalmist has found refuge in the city of God, where there is a river whose streams make glad all those who are within the walls.  Because God is in the midst of the city (this refuge), it shall not be moved.  The nations are still raging outside the walls, and kingdoms are tottering.  Nothing has changed.  But within the walls of the city there is peace.  The people of God have found refuge.  There is peace in the souls of the residents of this city, not because their circumstances have changed.  They haven't.  These people have peace because the Lord of hosts is with them.  They have peace because God will help them when morning dawns.  Morning has not yet dawned.  The earth is still crumbling outside the walls of their refuge.  But God has given them peace within their souls as they cling to the promise that someday, after the trials are over, morning will dawn.  And God will help them when morning dawns.

At the end of Psalm 91, it says "Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him; I will protect him, because he knows my name.  When he calls to me, I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will rescue him and honor him.  With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation."  So then, the promise of this Psalm is that one day, God will deliver us.  In the here and now, it can seem that finding our refuge in the Lord means nothing, for often our circumstances don't change.  We don't feel that the Lord has heard our cries for help and come to save us.  But if that is the case, then our perspective is wrong.  God's promises aren't just for today.  They are for all eternity.  While we may suffer for a little while here on this earth, one day, God will deliver us.  Because we know Him by name, He will protect our souls from being torn apart.  He will guard us from being destroyed by the fury of the storm.

Here on this earth, when we call to the Lord, He will answer us.  In the midst of our troubles, He is with us.  He will never leave us or forsake us.  And one day, when our lives here on earth are over, He will rescue us, once and for all, from the pains and sorrows and trials of this life, and will honor us forever as His precious children.  While the Lord does not necessarily promise to satisfy us with long life on earth, we will be fully satisfied in Him forever as He ultimately shows us His salvation.

Is God A Refuge From Suffering?

This post is part of a series.  Click on the following link to read Part 1.

The other day I was reading Psalm 91 again, which begins like this:  "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say to the Lord, 'My refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust.'"  At the risk of sounding heretical, I would say that at first glance, almost every word in the Psalm following this statement appears to be untrue.

It says that "he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence", but we are not always delivered.  I have not been delivered.

It says that "a thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you."  But it has come near me.  The pestilence that stalks in darkness has found our family.  The destruction that wastes at noonday is wasting us away.

The psalmist says, "because you have made the Lord your dwelling place - the Most High, who is my refuge - no evil shall be allowed to befall you, no plague come near your tent."  This simply is not true.  Evil does befall those who find their refuge in the Lord, and plagues not only come near their tents, but enter their homes and threaten to destroy their families.

So then, if God's Word is true, what do these verses mean?

Half way through Psalm 91, the psalmist says, "For he will command his angels concerning you, to guard you in all your ways.  On their hands they will bear you up, lest you strike your foot against a stone."  In the beginning of Jesus' ministry, Satan used these very words to tempt Him.  His response should open our eyes to the fact that perhaps we are not understanding the true meaning of the words in this Psalm.  Jesus did not claim these words for Himself, calling thousands of angels to His side to protect Him from harm.  He could have.  Instead, His own life set an example for us of what it truly means to find our refuge in the Lord.

Jesus embraced the path of suffering.  His foot did strike against the stones.  In fact, his whole body was crushed as He was brutally murdered for sins He did not commit.  Even His own Father turned away from Him.

What then did it mean for Jesus to find refuge in God, His Father, as He suffered more than you or I ever will?

Is God Our Refuge?

According to Psalm 46, "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble."

If this is true, then how do we answer the person who says that the term refuge needs to be more clearly defined, because either they were wrong their entire life about what they thought it meant, or they are an exception to the statement that God has always proven to be a refuge to those who turn to Him?

What does it look like for us to find the Lord to be our refuge even when everything is going wrong despite the fact that we are coming to Him (or at least were going to Him) for help?

What does it even mean that God is our refuge? What does this mean that He is or does for us in the midst of never ending trials where He seems to be showing that He is not good?

These questions have been on my heart lately, and I plan to write more about this topic in the coming weeks.

Questions and Answers

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, Wesley's verbal communication skills are suddenly exploding.  He regularly puts together two word phrases with ease.  This continues to amaze us as we know how difficult it is for him to put together the motor plan for this.  For example, just this week I handed him his baby burp cloth, which he loves to hold while sucking his thumb, and he started jabbering excitedly.  At first I just assumed he was babbling to himself, but eventually it dawned on me that he was talking to me!  I started listening, and he kept patting his burp cloth and saying "yellow burp!".  As soon as I responded with, "Yes, Wesley. That is your yellow burp.  Good job!", he gave me a huge smile and laughed.  He was so proud of himself for telling me this fact.  Likewise, I was proud of him for multiple reasons.  He noticed the color, identified it correctly, and named it verbally.  In addition, he put two words (three syllables) together to tell me what he had observed.  This is no small feat for my boy.

Wesley has also discovered a fun new game, which he calls "Rock Baby".  In an effort to entertain him one difficult evening, I took him in my arms and sang Rock-a-bye Baby, hanging him upside down and tickling him when the baby falls.  This has become a new favorite of his, and he regularly sits next to me, earnestly saying "Rock Baby" with a look of expectation in his eyes.  Whenever the game starts to get old to me (usually after the 10th time in a row singing it), I remember how beautiful the words "Rock Baby" are as they come from his lips, and I laugh with him as I sing it again.

Then a few days ago I had a conversation with my precious son that I never dreamed would be possible for years.  I asked him questions, and he answered them.  He didn't just smile at me in response.  He didn't repeat the last word of my question as he often does.  He didn't wait for my response so that he could imitate it.  He answered my questions with no prompting!  I cannot even begin to articulate how impossible this is for him.  But yet, he did it! God is at work in my little boy, and there is no denying it.  Mountains are moving in this little boy's life.

Our conversation began when I heard Liam screaming and ran into the room to discover Wesley hitting him. I quickly pulled Wesley away from his brother and looked him in the eye, saying "What did Wesley just do to Liam?"  Much to my surprise, Wesley responded, "Hit".  I then shook my head while asking, "Is it kind of Wesley to hit Liam?"  Wesley looked deeply into my eyes and said "no".  Then, fighting back tears of joy, I asked Wesley "What should Wesley say to Liam?"  When Wesley responded by looking toward Liam and saying "Sorry" with a mournful voice, it was almost more than I could believe.  As I drew my son close and hugged him, I was struck with awe as I saw how the Lord is working in his mind and his heart.

Wesley, you are fearfully and wonderfully made, and your heavenly Father is performing wonderful works in you right now.  My soul knows it very well.  I don't know what His plan is for your life.  I don't know how long this amazing burst of growth will continue.  But I do know God has a perfect plan for your life, and He will fulfill his purpose for you.  And along the way, He is using you to show the radiance of His glory to all who are looking.

Friends

One of my greatest joys is watching my two little boys become friends.  Wesley rarely notices other children, and especially children smaller than he is, so I expected things to play out similarly at home.  Much to my surprise, Wesley not only notices his younger brother, but actually even likes him.

At snack time, Liam follows Wesley around the house, hoping he will share.  Usually at some point along the way, Wesley spills his snack and they sit down on the floor to share it together. It warms my heart to watch them smiling at each other as they sit next to one another and shovel snacks into their little mouths as fast as they can.  They must already be learning that the faster you eat, the more you get.

When Wesley wants to play the piano, he does everything in his power to coax Liam over to the piano to play with him.  Then once he's over there, Wesley calls me over to lift Liam onto the bench next to him so that they can sit together.  The boys love to play the piano together and will giggle and laugh as they play.  But Wesley also enjoys watching Liam play the piano and will often just sit next to him and watch him curiously as he bangs away.

I regularly hear Wesley and Liam giggling together in the car as they imitate each other and then crack up at each other's antics.  They have started doing this at home too, and it brings a smile to my face as I watch them following each other around downstairs and laughing together.

Wesley is so patient with Liam when he swoops in to knock over all of the bowling pins Wesley has painstakingly worked to line up on the carpet.  He just looks at him curiously and then joins in on the fun of knocking them over before starting all over again with the work of setting the pins upright.  I am often shocked by the number of things that Wesley permits Liam to do that would infuriate him if anyone else did them.

Of course, they fight together too.  Liam is very interested in Wesley's stacking cups and communication device, and this results in many quarrels between the two of them.  What this really means is that Liam's curiosity often results in his getting cups ripped out of his hands as he is pushed over by his big brother. I often run in to find Liam screaming as Wesley is quickly gathering all of his favorite toys back together.  But even this is a good thing. In giving Wesley a younger brother, God is giving him the opportunity to learn what it means to share and be kind to those around him in a way he would have never learned with just Zach.

As I watch this friendship blossom between my two little boys, I pray that God will continue to bless it.  I pray that they will grow up to always love each other and be close friends.  I pray this for all three of my boys.  May they be a cord of three strands that is not easily broken.

I Love You

Wesley's bus driver smiled at me as I stepped onto the bus, a twinkle in her eyes.

"I have the most exciting thing to tell you", she said.

"After you got off the bus this morning, as you were waving to Wesley, he said 'I love you!'"

My look must have said it all.  Are you sure you really heard him say that?

She smiled as she said, "You know how you say "I love you" to him each morning as you buckle him in?  Well, he said it back."

She's right.  Every morning I say each word to him and he repeats it back to me.  I.  Love.  You.

This morning it all clicked.  As I waved to him, he told me that he loved me.

I only wish I could have heard it with my own ears.

Self-Initiated Play

There are many wonderful things about this picture of Wesley, as several blog readers pointed out.  It is amazing that he is ignoring the stacking cups (his favorite toy) on the floor.  As well, he is naming out loud the color of each fish that he is going to catch before he catches it.

Did you catch that?  He is naming out loud the color of each fish that he is going to catch before he catches it!  That, my friends, is something I never would have guessed he could have done at the age of three and a half.

Even more than that, he not only caught each fish, but he also put them all back in afterward.  That is an even more difficult task to complete, since it requires detailed fine motor work along with matching puzzle piece shapes with no matching pictures on the puzzle board.  The fact that he completed this puzzle without getting distracted and moving on to something else is pretty amazing.

But what is most special to me about this picture is that Wesley initiated doing this activity. We have been working for years to help Wesley learn how to play by himself.  Because he struggles so much with sensory integration problems, unless we are actively playing with him, he is usually seeking sensory stimulation of some kind.  My job as a mom is to do my best to keep up with my other responsibilities along with facilitating play with him as much as possible.  Usually when I leave Wesley's side to attend to a brother, I come back to find he has run off to do a more preferred (and probably sensory related) activity.  So you can imagine my shock when, after pulling down this puzzle and then going to help Liam, I came back to find the puzzle nearly completed.

While I knew that Wesley could play with this puzzle when prompted and kept on task, it was a joy to me to find him enjoying this game of his own volition.

Do You See What I See?

Can you guess what is so amazing about this picture?

What is it about this moment that makes it so special?

I'll give you a hint...it's not that Wesley is able to do this puzzle.

Hang On

I look into your eyes and see the pain.  In the dim light, your eyes flicker, giving me a glimpse of the hollowness deep inside.  The hurt is almost unbearable, so I look away.  I look back and weep at what I see.  Anger.  Toward God.  Toward me.  Shame.  Hurt.  Hopelessness.  Fear. Despair.  Emptiness.  I feel it to my core.  It is not yours to bear alone.  I bear it too.  Our Savior bore it two thousand years ago.  This is why He came.  And yet, despite His carrying it for us, in our place, here we are, trudging along, weighed down and crushed.

"Jesus , help me" is one of the most honorable things you can say.  The person who has something doesn't ask for help.  The spiritually destitute person has nothing, and that is what God requires of us.... In contrast to the people who build personal kingdoms that fade away in a generation or two, spiritual beggars are publicly praised.  They are citizens of heaven itself, the most honorable of cities, the ultimate right side of the tracks.  Since they have depended on the King instead of themselves, they share in what is his.  This means they have everything, and it will all last.

And so, I cry out, "Jesus, help us!"  For He is our only hope.  But you have no hope.  You have lost hope in the only hope you ever had.  Do not lose heart yet, though.  As your faith hangs tenuously in the balance, grab hold of my hand.  Let me walk with you.  When you stumble, hang on to me as you grab your bearing.  Let my faith be enough for both of us.  The Lord has called me to be your helper, and there is no better time to help than now.  So hang on to me, my love, as I look to Jesus, trusting that He will help us just as He promised.

Tears say, "I am undone."  Could we say anything else more authentically human? Tears say, "The world has reneged on its promises.  It promised satisfaction but delivered injustice, loss, and pain.  It is not the place where I can put my hope." Could we say anything else more wise?  Such a person is an "aching visionary," worthy of emulation.

Your eyes speak the truth.  The world has given you a cup full of injustice, loss, and pain, and you have drunk it down to the dregs.  There is no hope for you here. You know this.  What you may not realize is that knowing this is half the battle.  Let me point you to your hope.  I am already walking this road with you.  Follow my lead as I take another look at Jesus.  He tells us that He loves us.  He promises that He is good.  When you doubt his promises, cling to me.  Let my hope be sufficient to carry you too.

The meek do not rail against the Lord in their persecution.  They might not understand why something has happened to them--it is hard to understand how God's love and our own suffering coexist--but the meek don't demand answers. Instead, they trust God because of who he is, what he has said, and what he has done.

May the Lord restore to you the joy of your salvation.  May you taste and see that the Lord is good.  May you again see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  But for now, hang on to me as I trust God because of who He is, what He has said, and what He has done.

He came for you.  He bore you burdens.  Come with me as we walk to Him to find rest for our weary souls.

* quotes from Shame Interrupted by Edward T. Welch

Eye Exam

Last week I brought Wesley in for his bi-annual eye exam.  While the results were not what I had hoped, the actual appointment was a moment I will always treasure in my heart.

As usual, Wesley was less than thrilled to be visiting a doctor.  He squirmed and complained loudly as we sat in the chair while the assistant examined his eyes.  He had no interest whatsoever in following the panda bear from side to side or up and down.  But then I thought to mention that he knows his letters.

The assistant seemed surprised, but she quickly pulled out the letter cards to go over them with him before putting them up on the screen.  At first Wesley protested the covering of his left eye.  Then once he realized we were naming letters, he quickly got on board, cheering for himself with each correct answer.

T. O. V. H.  We named these letters in random orders and decreasing sizes with pauses to cheer and clap.  As Wesley consistently named his letters correctly and continued to participate in the activity, my heart welled with pride.  My son was doing something I had never imagined would be possible at three years of age.  It was all I could do to quietly sit there instead of jumping up and down with joy and ecstatic praise.

When we switched to cover his right eye, I immediately knew something was wrong.  Wesley was no longer able to correctly identify letters, often naming letters that looked nothing like the letters shown.  Then once the letters were enlarged, he began to name them correctly again.  While I was disappointed to discover that his nearsightedness and astigmatism have again increased, it was so exciting to have Wesley show this to us rather than waiting to discover it once his eyes were dilated.

As we left, the assistant smiled at us, telling me that Wesley's naming of his letters would certainly be the highlight of her day.  Later, when we met with the doctor, he spoke similarly, expressing how impressed he was with how well Wesley is doing and even how much better he sat still and participated this time despite his obvious displeasure with the situation.

Wesley, we are so proud of you!

On another note, Wesley's verbal skills are suddenly exploding.  Just in the past week he put together more two (and five) word phrases than he's put together in his life.  When we took down the tree, Wesley kept waving at the tree and saying "bye tree".  One afternoon when he wanted to play with his gears, he kept saying "spin gear".  And best of all, as we walked into a restaurant a few days ago, I asked Zach if he wanted juice to drink.  Wesley overheard our conversation and said, "Juice!  I want juice!  Yeah!"

Then today, Wesley asked his first question.  I had decided to give him play time in his room rather than a nap today.  After changing his diaper, I pulled out some toys and said, "It's time to play.  Have fun!"  He looked at me, cocked his head to the side, gave me a half smile, and said "play?".  When I said yes, he laughed and exclaimed "play!"

Sometimes it is hard to see any progress.  The day to day grind of working with Wesley can begin to feel like a burden.  But then God, in his kindness, blesses me with weeks like this where I have the opportunity to see that God truly is at work in Wesley's life.  Wesley is growing by leaps and bounds.  Sometimes those leaps are small, but they are there.  And they are beautiful.