Where Does My Help Come From?

Since Wesley was born, my life has changed significantly.  Instead of weekly play dates with friends and their kids, regular trips to the pool with Zach in the summer or to the children's museum in the winter, time to sit and read books to Zach for hours at a time, and plenty of time to catch up with friends on the phone, our house now runs on a strict schedule.  Now the boys and I head out to multiple doctor's appointments each month (or week), welcome four therapists into our home each week, and make a three hour round trip to see Wesley's feeding therapist every Monday.  Zach also has a gymnastics class each week, which is a blessing for Zach while adding a little more busyness for me.

When Wesley was first born, as I looked into the future and imagined that it might include a lifestyle like this, the thought of it was overwhelming.  But I have found that God's grace is ALWAYS sufficient.  In 2 Corinthians 12:9, God says, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  I have found this to be true over and over again over the past year and a half.  When I look at all that the Lord has called me to, it seems like too much to bear.  But each day, as I call out to him for help, he always pours out abundant grace that is more than sufficient for carrying me through the tasks at hand.

When I look back at Wesley's first year, the first thing that I see is God's amazing grace.  It is only by the Lord's sustaining hand that I was able to survive 10 doctor's appointments and four trips to the hospital in Wesley's first month (67 appointments, procedures, and hospital visits in the first year and 106 to date), towing along a pump and pumping in doctor's offices, hospital blood drawing stations, and hospital rooms.  It is only by God's powerful grace that he gave me the strength and the self control to eliminate all allergens from my diet for seven months as we sought to identify what Wesley was allergic to.  Those who know me best would know that I have no self control when it comes to food!  It is only by God's sustaining grace that he gave me the ability to pump for eleven months and give Wesley the antibodies he needed to get him through his first winter.  I am so weak, and on my own I would have given up.  I would have lost heart.  But, the Lord was faithful to give his strength to my faint heart; his power to my weakness. As I look back, I am in awe that most days I was not overwhelmed. Most days God gave me the grace to take each day one moment at a time, trusting God for the grace I would need for the next moment.  Thank you Lord!

Wesley & his friend Stellan, the son of a dear friend (taken 1 year ago)

Yet, as I reflect on the Lord's faithfulness to me and to our family, I am amazed that so often when I am overwhelmed or in need of help, I look first to others rather than to the Lord.  Then, when they don't sustain me or help me or strengthen me the way the Lord does, I am hurt by their lack of help or by my perception of their lack of care.  I am quick to judge their motives and slow to show them the same grace that the Lord has shown me.  I was recently reminded by a dear friend who is much farther along on the path of raising a child with special needs, that the bottom line is that my help comes from GOD.  God provides for my needs  - not the church, and not my friends in the church.  God may use my friends, but I need to keep my eyes on Him.  When I need help, I need to go to the Lord first and trust that HE will provide.  And, I need to remember that most people have had very little contact with people with special needs.  In their ignorance, they don't know what to say or how to help.  It is God's kindness to me to put me in situations with others where I can begin to adjust to this truth and learn to trust God in the midst of it all.  And, if God is not providing for me through others, I have to trust that God has called me to walk through a particular trial or season alone.  My circumstances are ordained by God, and I can trust that the Lord is faithful and kind, and he will be faithful to provide for my every need - just as He always has.

This is not to say that I have walked through the last year and a half alone.  God has blessed our family with wonderful friends who have come alongside us, caring for our souls, cleaning our house, and watching Zach during countless doctor's appointments and several surgeries.  But the help we have received from them is help that we have ultimately received from God.  And I am beginning to see that the help that I thought I sometimes needed from them but did not receive was also a kindness from God, to teach me that He is the one who sustains me.  He has used the past 19 months to show me that when I am in need of help, I should first call out to Him.  And when I do, He is ALWAYS faithful to strengthen me, help me and uphold me by His righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

Psalm 121
"I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot be moved;
Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord is your keeper;
the Lord is your shade on your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all evil;
he will keep your life.
The Lord will keep
your going out and your coming in
from this time forth and forevermore."

Thanksgiving

This week I have been reflecting on just how much I have to be thankful for this year.  First and foremost, I am thankful for my Savior, who saved me from my sin and has given me a new life. 
 

I am also thankful for the many blessings that the Lord has given to me, starting with my wonderful husband Mike.  The Lord has blessed me with a husband who loves Jesus, loves me, and loves our boys.  He is an amazing dad, faithfully training our boys, teaching them about Jesus, and enjoying every moment he has with them.  And despite all the extra work that has gone into caring for Wesley with doctor's appointments, therapy, hospital visits, etc..., Mike has made our marriage a priority, making sure that we we get time together away from the boys on a consistent basis.  If you're reading this Mike, I love you so much and so am so very thankful for you.  I am still amazed that I get the joy of being your wife!

And then there is Zach - for this child I prayed and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to Him.  Whenever I look at Zach, I rejoice that the Lord has given me such a precious and delightful son.  It has been such a joy to see the Lord at work in his heart recently.  Earlier this week he informed us that he trusted in Jesus as his Savior.  Then he said, "Who is going to pray first on this special day? The day that I trusted in Jesus. Since I'm the special boy who trusted in Jesus, I'll pray first!" When he prayed, he prayed that he would always continue to trust in Jesus and that one day he would be with Jesus in heaven.  Of course, I don't know for sure if he actually trusted in Jesus as his Savior this week or not, but just seeing his heart softening toward the Lord and things of the Lord has been very encouraging to see.

And I am so very thankful for my precious Wesley.  He is the sparkle in our lives, the icing on the cake, the star on the Christmas tree.  Today Zach and I went to our family Thanksgiving celebration alone since Mike and Wesley were sick, and I was very quickly aware of just how much I missed my sweet little boy.  His radiant laugh was missing, there was no peek-a-boo with big smiles around great-grandma's overstuffed chairs, and there was no little boy to walk from one adult to another handing out hugs, high fives, and squeals of delight.  The Lord truly has blessed us with such a wonderful little boy - a precious son and a feisty, playful little brother who adores his big brother.

I am also thankful for the many other things God has blessed us with - wonderful insurance to pay for our extensive medical bills this year, fantastic therapists for Wesley through Early Intervention, provision for all of our daily needs, doctors who have been so helpful in caring for Wesley throughout the year, dear friends who have walked through thick and thin with us, a wonderful church, and an amazing family.

Playing

Dear Wesley,

It is such a joy to be your mom!  Daddy and I had so much fun playing with you today.  You recently found Zach's little soccer ball, and you love it!  You start laughing as soon as we show it to you.  We think it's so funny that you love to put it on the floor and lay on it, rolling around on it.  You laugh and laugh as you're all curled up on top of it.

You also enjoy playing throw and catch with us.  We roll the ball to you, and then you throw it back to us.  Daddy's pretty proud of your throwing skills.  He insists that you already throw better than your big brother!  I think he's probably right - most of the time the ball goes in the direction you intend it to, and your form is pretty good considering your age. 

This week you've started kicking the ball around the house too.  You drop the ball down in front of you and then walk along kicking it as you go.  Eventually you are going to run into a wall since you watch the ball instead of watching where you are going, but you're pretty tough so you'll be OK.

 The soccer ball has been pretty good for your gross motor skills too.  As you walk around kicking the ball, you eventually lose your balance and fall.  Then, you keep chasing the ball around the house, laughing as soon as you reach it and then pushing it away so you can keep going.  The wonderful thing is that instead of army crawling when you're chasing it on the floor, you're regularly CRAWLING now!  And, your crawl is getting FAST.  You've picked up your big brother's trademark super speedy crawl.  This is exciting for Dad and I to watch, because you're strengthening your shoulders and your stomach muscles while you play.

 Since you were sick this morning, Daddy offered to stay home with you from church.  When I got home he told me about what fun he had watching your sign language video with you.  He had a big smile on his face as he talked about how much you laughed while watching it and how you kept moving your hands around as you saw the kids on the video signing.  It is such a joy for us to see you realizing that these people are communicating with their hands and starting to try to imitate them.  We are continuing to pray for you, that you'll start to pick up these signs and use them to let us know what you want.

Then tonight while wrestling with Daddy and Zach, you decided you wanted to tickle them.  You kept lifting up Daddy's shirt and tickling his tummy.  Your tickles have never been very effective before, but today you were actually making Daddy genuinely laugh.  (Daddy's pretty ticklish, so I was amazed that he kept lying there and letting you tickle him.  He must really love you!) You and Daddy and Zach had a blast tickling each other.  In case you didn’t know, you have a pretty awesome older brother.  He lay still for you and let you keep tickling him and poking him in the mouth and licking his forehead.  He laughed and giggled with you as we all enjoyed your belly laugh.

Wesley, you are such a delight and a blessing to our family.  Your laugh brightens our day!  I love you so much my sweet Wesley-poo!

Love,

Mama

Sometimes It Just Hurts

Last night was hard.  We got together with a group of friends, most of whom have children around Wesley's age.  And while it should have been a special time of enjoying hanging out with friends and watching our kids play together, for me it was miserable. Whenever Wesley is around other kids his age, it is as if a spotlight is shining on him, showing off all of his differences for everyone to see.  While other kids are playing with toys in an age appropriate manner and running around together laughing, Wesley is not.  He would prefer to tap toys together, lick them, or try to hold a stack of them in one hand - all of this while walking in circles around a house.  Now that he has glasses, this also means that I need to follow him wherever he goes to make sure he doesn't take his glasses off, and more importantly, to make sure that his glasses don't get trampled when he takes them off.

I often wish that Wesley needed less supervision so that I could talk more with my friends.  But last night I realized I didn't actually want to be a part of the conversations that they were having.  It is hard to sit and listen to all the things their kids are doing, listen to the struggles that come with a normally developing toddler, and smile as they laugh about funny things that happened during their days. Sometimes I find that following Wesley around and watching him is much a much easier alternative.

Don't get me wrong, I love my friends.  I am grateful that they pursue me even when I try to hide.  I am so thankful to have friends that don't let me build walls up between us, but instead keep helping me tear them down, one brick at a time.  Last night I was so blessed to have a friend who saw that I was having a hard time, sought me out, followed Wesley and me from room to room, and cared for me.  She saw my ugly tears, heard my hurtful words, and still reached out to me and loved me.  And, the Lord used her caring words to change my heart.  The rest of the evening was still hard.  Seeing the other kids still hurt.  But, I was also able to see how the Lord has blessed our family so abundantly by providing us with friends who are committed to walking alongside us.

After getting home last night, the Lord brought the following verse to my mind, which helped me to regain perspective:

"The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot.  The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance."  Psalm 16:5-6

The lines truly have fallen for me in pleasant places.  God has given me a wonderful husband, two precious sons, and dear friends who care about our entire family. But most importantly, God has shown his love for me by sending His Son to provide for my greatest need by dying on the cross so that I can spend eternity with Him.  What more could I ask for?  Indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance!

Christmas Cards

It seems like Christmas is sneaking up on me this year.  It's already time to start thinking about Christmas cards, and I don't think we even have one single picture of our family this year where all four of us are looking at the camera.

Thankfully, it looks like Shutterfly may come to the rescue.  They have these wonderful folded greeting cards, where I can pick a handful of individual pictures of us that give a story of our entire year rather than finding that perfect picture of the whole family.  I used this style of card for Wesley's birthday earlier this year, and I loved the way it turned out. 

In the past I have often used photo cards with one big picture, which are great when you have that one good picture of the family.  But, now that Wesley is old enough to try to squirm his way out of every picture, we'll have to see if this will work out for us or not.  I'm still crossing my fingers!!

I have been eyeing Shutterfly's thank you cards for years, but have never bought any.  I always remember them after I have already purchased generic ones on a grocery store run.  I know, shame on me!  Maybe this will be the year when I take the time to personalize our thank-yous.

Just looking at all these cards is getting me excited about ordering our own.  I guess I better pull out the camera, get my boys in some coordinating outfits, and start working on getting a good picture of the two of them together! 

Blogging friends, if you want 50 free cards of your own, follow the link!   http://bit.ly/sfly2010

Wesley Signing "More"

After getting his glasses on Friday, Wesley figured out how to sign "more" all by himself and is very excited about it.  Maybe actually SEEING our hands when we sign for him helped a bit with that.  It's more of a clap than a "more" sign, but hey, we'll take what we can get.

My favorite part about watching him sign is seeing how proud he is of himself.  He laughs and laughs, loving our praise and delighting in the fact that he's figured out how to communicate with us.  In fact, I think he's more excited about being able to tell us that he wants more than he is about actually getting more of what he wants.

Here he is showing off his new signing skills for the video camera:

I Can See!

We picked up Wesley's glasses on Friday morning, and so far they have been a huge success.  Wesley can definitely tell that his glasses are significantly improving his vision, so he rarely tries to take them off. He keeps looking around and smiling, or walking to the windows and just staring outside.  I'm sure it must be an amazing experience for him to be able to see everything around him rather than living in one big blur.

Check out my new awesome glasses!

This is so much fun!  I can see EVERYTHING!

I must admit though, my favorite part about Wesley's new glasses is that he will sit and watch TV now.  Ever since he started rolling over at two months old, Wesley hasn't stopped moving. His therapists have explained to me that he has sensory issues that seem to drive him to be in constant motion.  But now I wonder, did poor vision have anything to do with it?  He still walks around the house constantly, and it is rare to see him sit still for even a moment or two.  But twice now since getting his glasses, he has sat completely still in my lap for 25 minutes while watching the Baby Einstein "My First Signs" video!  I am amazed, since I never knew it was possible for him to get his wiggles out and sit still.  And more than that, I LOVE snuggling with my baby.  If I could, I'd watch that video several times a day just to have the opportunity to hold him close.  I love just breathing in his sweet baby smell and wrapping my arms around him and letting him rest his head against my shoulder.  And, I love that this is not the usual hug, where I realize Wesley's wanting to snuggle with me as he's already leaving, because he already got his half a second snuggle with mom that he was looking for.  Instead I get to hold him for a full 25 minutes!  Wow!  But yet, I'm still sad when the video comes to an end and he starts squirming to get down.  We'll watch the video again tomorrow, though.  And the day after that, and the day after that.  I'll make sure of it!  And, maybe he'll even learn a few signs along the way.