Nap Time Blessings

This fall, nap time took a turn for the worse, stretching my patience thin and changing our family routine.  About two months ago, Wesley discovered that he doesn't actually have to stay in bed.  With his newfound freedom, if I leave him in his room before he falls asleep, he quickly slips out of bed to play.  This exacerbates the already existing problem that Wesley has always had a difficult time unwinding and falling asleep.  It routinely takes him at least an hour to settle down and close his eyes.

So now, instead of playing games and chatting with Zach while his brothers nap, I get Zach settled with his legos and books before going in to lay down on Wesley's floor.  I set my voice to repeat, hearing the same words come out of my mouth every few minutes. "Wesley, head on pillow.  Wesley, be quiet."  Some days he falls asleep rather quickly, and I tiptoe back out of his room after only twenty or thirty minutes.  On those days, I consider myself lucky.  Most days, though, I lie in there with him at least an hour.

As I lie there, I often find anger stirring in my heart.  Why won't he just be quiet?  Why do I have to continue to tell him to lie down?  Doesn't he understand?  Where is the disconnect that causes him to forget my command over and over again?  Why is this so hard for him?

The other day, though, God opened my eyes to see a more beautiful picture. As I lay there on the floor, the Lord quieted my heart and I just listened to my son.  This is what I heard:  "I want play!  I want out!  I want all done!  Mommy!"  He then proceeded to begin counting his fingers, going from one to five and cheering Yay! for himself upon completion each time.  He missed three and four sometimes, but he carefully put up his fingers one at a time and counted them over and over again.

In that moment, my heart quickly changed from frustration to joy.  Look at what the Lord has done!  My boy is speaking so well...better than I would have thought possible at this point in his life.  This is the Lord's work in him, and it is beautiful.

When I lie down with him at nap time, I still instruct him to lay down and be quiet, but I also thank God for my little boy who can tell me that he'd rather play.

Where Did My Baby Go?

My Dearest and Most Precious Liam,

Where has the time gone?  From the beginning, I have done everything in my power to soak up every moment with you, breathing in your sweet baby smell, enjoying those middle of the night feedings because I knew they would soon be over, holding you in my arms for hours as you slept, and doing my best to make time to play with you even in the midst of our busy schedule. But it seems that despite my best attempts, I blinked and you grew up.

Since the day you were born, it has truly amazed me to see how perfectly you have fit into our family and completed us.  Your cheerful disposition brings joy to our days, your playful antics put a smile on the faces of your brothers, and your peaceful, calm demeanor is an example to us all.

 You loved your birthday cake and gobbled it up as fast as you could!

Daddy recently commented on how much Wesley likes you.  It is such a delight to your Daddy and I to watch the two of you pal around.  You adoringly follow him everywhere, waiting for him to share with you, and eventually he obliges.  I often chuckle when I see his spilled bowl of snacks on the floor and the two of you both shoveling snacks into your mouths as fast as you can so that the other doesn't eat too many.  When you see me, you both look up with guilty faces.  Wesley is also teaching you the ropes when it comes to stacking cups, playing with the train set, and dancing to Christmas music.

 

You are my little dare devil!  On the other hand, is there a better way to play the piano?

Your short life has been a roller coaster, and you've brought Mommy on a wild ride.  Over the past twelve months, I have both rejoiced and grieved more often than I could ever count.  It is impossible to not compare you to your older brothers, which has been both a curse and a blessing.  Seeing how easily you learn to do new things is a constant reminder to me of what a miracle life truly is.  The ease with which you maneuver through your world brings me to tears as I am amazed at how effortless life is for you.  I show you something one time and you just start doing it.  You naturally play in positions that Wesley is still unable to play in due to low tone.  I am very aware of how short the time is before you surpass your older brother in every way.

 You have so much fun with your big brothers!  (I'm pretty sure they like you too!)

On the other hand, having both Wesley and Zach as older brothers has been a blessing in more ways than one.  God has used the raising of your big brothers to show me things I would not have otherwise seen in you.  Because of the many struggles that Wesley has had with feeding, fine motor skills, motor planning, and sensory issues, I was able to see red flags in you long before others might have noticed them.  While it has broken my heart to see you evaluated for feeding therapy, occupational therapy, and speech therapy and qualify for services due to your delays, I thank God regularly for showing me these things early on so that we could intervene and help you.  I continue to pray that these things will rectify themselves so that you may lead a normal life.  But I also cling to the promise of Psalm 139, that the Lord has ordained all of your days.  And I choose to trust His perfect plan for your life.

Those ornaments are irresistible!  Maybe if I'm sneaky, Mommy won't notice when I touch them...

Several weeks ago, we started occupational therapy.  Your spectacular OT (who is also Wesley's OT),  quickly noticed your sensory issues and lack of body awareness and put you on the same brushing and joint compression routine that your big brother was on several years ago.  After only one week of this regimen, we started seeing huge changes in you.  Just two weeks before your first birthday, you suddenly stopped nursing, took your first steps, and said your first word.  Now, you walk everywhere, babble constantly, say at least four words purposefully (cracker, Zach, light, and uh-oh), and have begun to play more appropriately with toys.  You have started trying to stack cups, doing container play, and putting shapes into a shape sorter.

One of my favorite things about you is your infectious laugh.  You are a pro at going up the stairs, even though you know you're not allowed to climb up without Mommy nearby.  When I forget to close the gate, I will hear you crawling across the tile just as fast as you can to reach the bottom step and start climbing.  As soon as you see me, you give me a huge smile, giggle, and start climbing as fast as your little legs can move.  You also laugh whenever we play peek-a-boo, when you dance with your Snoopy Christmas doll, when we tickle you, and any time we do something that humors you - which is all the time.  I have started playing the "come to Mommy" game with you and Wesley, and you both are pretty sure it is the best game ever.  What joy it brings to my heart to see you both laughing as you try to come to me as fast as you possibly can, running into each other along the way.

My precious Liam, I love you so very much, and it is my joy and privilege to be your Mama.  I pray that just as you bring much joy to our hearts now, you will one day join the family of God and bring much joy to the heart of your Heavenly Father.

Happy first birthday, my son.  I love you!

Love,
Mama

He Is With Me

Do you see it?  We may not ever fully understand why God allows the suffering that devastates our lives.  We may not ever find the right answers to how we'll dig ourselves out.  There may not be any silver lining, especially not in the ways we would like.  But we don't need answers as much as we need God's presence in and through the suffering itself.  For the life of the believer, one thing is beautifully and abundantly true:  God's chief concern in your suffering is to be with you and be Himself for you.

Glorious Ruin: How Suffering Sets You Free, by Tullian Tchividjian

I don't understand why God is allowing the suffering that is devastating our family, and I may never see why God has not stepped in to stop the destruction.  There may be no answers for how to dig ourselves out, because on this earth, there may be no way out.  Fifty more years feels like an eternity with not even a silver lining promised.

But praise the Lord, I don't need answers.  What I need is God's presence in and through my suffering.  And that, I have.  Surely, Jesus has borne my griefs and carried my sorrows.  As for all of these griefs that threaten to crush me, they did crush him.  Jesus took them upon Himself. When I stop and reflect on the weight of my griefs and sorrows along with the weight of yours and everyone else's, it is staggering.  Yet, Jesus willingly carried them.  And now, in the midst of my suffering, He is with me.  He will never leave me or forsake me.  More than that, as He walks alongside me, He can be Himself for me.  For my great High Priest, who is always interceding for me, intimately knows my greatest suffering.  He knows because He carried it once and for all and because He continues to carry it when I wearily come to Him, hand Him my burdens, and in their place receive rest.

Because He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows, we do not lose heart.
(Isaiah 53:4, 2 Corinthians 4:16)

Live For Eternity, My Son!

Dear Zach,

I have procrastinated in writing this letter to you because I have so much to say but feel that my words will be inadequate to express all that I want to share with you.  But considering that it has now been two weeks since your birthday, and your younger brother's birthday is rapidly approaching, I think it is time that I at least attempt to write your birthday letter.

In the last few months, it feels like I blinked my eyes and then re-opened them to find a more grown-up you. You have become more tender and compassionate toward me and your brothers, and in doing so, you have touched my heart.  For example, I was unaware that you even realized I have been experiencing lots of headaches and back pain lately.  But the other night, as you prayed that God would heal me of my headaches and back pain, I realized that God was opening your eyes to look past yourself and see the struggles and hurts of others. What has encouraged me the most, though, is seeing how you have continued to ask about my back and my head, rejoicing when I am feeling well and praying for me when I am not. Being aware of the sorrows of others is a good thing in and of itself.  But faithfully caring for others and praying for them is a posture of the heart that can only come from the Lord.  So, my son, I rejoice that God is doing this work in your heart.

I have also seen you encouraging your brothers more regularly and even reminding me to praise them for their successes.  What joy it brings to my heart when I see you helping Wesley count or work on other activities.  Your excitement as you set up his play environment and hand him things to do is beautiful.  And you and Liam have begun to develop a sweet friendship as well.  I smile often as I watch you playing with him and setting off waves of baby giggles.  Your brothers adore you, as well they should.  You are your brothers' protector, always keeping them out of harm's way and quick to step in and take the pain for yourself rather than allowing them to get hurt.

We gave you your own Bible last year for Christmas, and you have been reading it each morning since the day you first received it.  I pray that God will continue to give you a heart that loves His word and delights in it.  Just last week you came to me excitedly and informed me that you were hiding God's word in your heart. Then you showed me the following verse from Proverbs that you had written out:  "A harsh word stirs up anger, but a soft answer turns away wrath."  You explained to me that you were hiding this verse in your heart so that God would help you.  Oh my precious son, this is the beautiful thing about God's word!  He promises that His word does not return void.  So, as you hide His word in your heart, I am excited to see the work that He will do in and through you.

Zach, as I have prayed for you every day since the day you were born, I continue to pray for you each day that you will give your life to Christ, trusting in Jesus as your Savior.  May this be the year that you trust in His blood as payment for your sins.  For as much as I am proud of your many accomplishments in this life, this is by far my greatest desire for you.  For the things of this world are transient, but eternity is just around the corner.  Live for eternity, my son!

Love,
Mom

Trials Produce Steadfastness

We are learning that trials produce steadfastness of faith not because you do anything specific in them but simply because at the end you still believe. You still trust God and hope in Him. That means you persevered. So we are praying for this perseverance, because that in and of itself is a grace from God. We know God is faithful, even in suffering.

- Michael Thiel, who blogs at henryk

Upheld Until the Evening Comes

Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes.*

"So we do not lose heart.  Though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day.  For this slight, momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen.  For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."  2 Corinthians 4:16-18

For I know Thy power will keep me
Till I'm home with Thee at last.*

Whatever afflictions we are passing through, and whatever trials lie before us, we do not lose heart.  For these trials are only momentary afflictions in light of all eternity.  While our outer natures most certainly are wasting away, let us lift our eyes from our transient circumstances and look to Jesus.  For we know that His power will keep us and uphold us as He prepares for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.  One day we will be home with Him at last, and on that day He will wipe away every tear from our eyes.

We will be singing when the evening comes.

* lyrics from 10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord) by Matt Redman and Come Thou Fount

A Long (and long-awaited) Update

Six months have flown by since my last update on Wesley's developmental progress, so I thoght I'd take a minute to stop and reflect on all that the Lord is doing in his life.

Wesley has been blessed with a fantastic team at school.  God has truly given his teacher a gift.  She manages a classroom of children with special needs with extraordinary skill and customizes her teaching to each individual child.  She is also backed up by a wonderful team of therapists and teaching assistants.  We are so thankful that the Lord has provided Wesley with such a good learning environment that so perfectly fits his needs.

Just in the past two months, since school started back up for the fall, we've seen Wesley grow by leaps and bounds.

He can now walk safely up and down a flight of stairs just holding the rail.  In fact, this week I watched him walk up a flight of stairs with alternating steps.  As well, he can walk up about six steps and down two without holding onto anything.  He is much safer at playgrounds as well.  I find myself not hovering six inches away from him to protect him from obliviously walking off an opening eight feet up and crashing to the ground.  Instead, I can step back and watch as he explores and goes down the slides himself.

Fine motor skills are not one of Wesley's strengths, but we have seen improvements here as well.  He can now string beads on a string, imitate drawing horizontal and vertical lines, and he is beginning to imitate drawing circles.  He loves to stack duplo blocks to create large towers and patiently works to set up his bowling pins so he can knock them down.  Wesley also does a great job of eating with a spoon and is slowly improving with his fork eating.  (At this point, fingers are way easier than forks, so we are having to push through that a bit.)

Jumping on the cushions...a favorite pastime!

On the other hand, in the last few months we have watched Wesley take several large steps backward with regard to sensory issues.  While he had mostly stopped licking things at the start of the school year, after several illnesses he's back into wanting to lick and spin everything all the time.  So we are working to help him find other ways to explore his environment, but this has been an uphill battle.

One thing we often try to do with Wesley when he's struggling to regulate his body sensorywise is read books.  We received an an amazing home-made book from Courtney at Pudge & Biggs, which we've used to teach Wesley how to count to five.  (If anyone creative ever wants a suggestion for what to give Wesley, more books like this to work on other things we're trying to teach him would be a godsend!)  As well, we pull out his magnadoodle and write letters for him to identify.  He currently knows all of his capital letters except for W.  Poor kid has crazy parents who gave him a first name that starts with the most difficult letter to say in the entire alphabet.  Someone should have told them not to make things so hard on their son!

Pinning big brother!  Such fun!

At the recommendation of Wesley's occupational therapist at Easter Seals, we switched his communication device to accommodate a 32 picture screen rather than it's previous 15 picture screen.  I think all of us have been a bit shocked at how quickly Wesley learned to maneuver through his new device.  That kid knows where every picture is and how it is categorized.  It is a reminder to us of just how much he knows and understands.

The update of his communication device has also sparked an explosion of words.  Wesley regularly sits at his device, pushes buttons, and then repeats the words.  As a result, Wesley now has about 50 words* that he uses on a consistent basis.  He is beginning to use more and more of these words independently without being cued to speak, which is a huge step for him.  His verbal motor plan is starting to come together.  As well, he has started to string two words together.  This is still very difficult for him, but the other day Daddy was very proud of his defiance when he was instructed to go one way and instead pointed the opposite direction and said, "No, that!"

Sometimes it is hard to keep your little brother away from your communication device!

Wesley now answers yes and no questions, which is something we have been working on for over a year now.  What a joy it is to ask him if he wants something and get a clear answer rather than having to guess.

As well, Wesley now initiates playing games more often than he used to.  Just in the last week, he has pulled out a puzzle to put together, pulled out his bowling pins and asked me to set them up, asked me to get his sword so he could run around swinging it and yelling "yah, yah!" in the back yard, and brought his counting book to me for us to read together.

Caught in the act of sharing a snack with baby brother!

We are so proud of our precious son.  Learning is an uphill battle for him, but he keeps at it, and every milestone met is a huge accomplishment for him.  And what a joy it is to look back over six months and see how far he has come.

* Wesley's words:  Mommy, Daddy, Zach (gak), baby, Liam (mum), yes (ess), no, more, up, off, in, open (ohpuh), juice (guih), teddy graham (teddy mahm), cracker, sauce, eat, snack  (nagh), this (dis), that (dat), all done (ah dee), car, go, on, ball, ball popper (bah pah), coke, I, want, poopy, one, two (koo), three (pee), four, five, help (pep), clap (pup), night night (nah nah), burp (bup), toy (gee), cake, milk (muh), bowling (buh buh), gears, play, hi, bye, Wes.

I'll protect you Mom!  Yah!  Yah!