Fear

Fear is a powerful thing.  If I allow it any room in my mind, it will quickly consume me.  This weekend I was again reminded of how important it is to gear up for battle and fight my fears with the truth from God's word.

On Friday when I picked Zach up from school, he said he was exhausted and he had a low grade fever.  By Saturday morning, his fever was very high, he was achy all over, and he couldn't keep his eyes open.  We took him in to an after hours care facility, where he was diagnosed with the flu.  For two nights we were up all night, giving him medicine every three hours, taking his temperature, holding and comforting him, and praying for God to give him a quick recovery.

During that time, I was amazed at how quickly my mind turned to fearing the worst case scenario.  I felt paralyzed by the irrational fears that Zach would keep getting worse until he died.  Then my mind would move on to fears that Zach might survive, but Wesley would surely get the flu too and it would be too much for his little body to handle.  I would try to pray, but Zach and Wesley's impending doom felt much more real than the promises of God.

Yesterday my husband kindly told me that he would be happy to stay home with Zach so I could go to church.  During the service, someone read from Isaiah 43:1-3, which says:

"But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: 'Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.  For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.'"

As these verses were read, it was as if the Lord was whispering to me, "Fear not, Elisabeth.  You are mine.  Even as you are walking through the waters of having a sick child, I am with you.  The future is unknown to you, but no matter what happens, it shall not overwhelm you, for I am with you.  I, your Savior, have redeemed you and provided for your greatest need by saving you from your sin.  Now you can trust that I will walk with you through this and protect you so that the flame does not consume you."

Then at the end of his sermon, our pastor reminded us that lots of things are uncertain, which tempts us to fear and worry.  But Jesus is still bigger than all of these uncertainties.  He has done something certain for us.  He has taken away all of our sins.  When we walk through trials, often all that we pray for is the removal of the trial.  But there is a reality much greater - the removal of the wrath of God.  Because of Jesus, God's wrath has passed over me.

This was such an eye opener for me.  I am walking through much greater trials right now than just the sickness of one of my children.  Because I know that these trials will not be removed from my life, I do not pray and beg the Lord to remove them. Instead, I pray regularly for the Lord to use them to conform me to His image and to bring Himself much glory through them.  I pray that God will help me to trust Him completely and to believe His promises that He is sovereign over all of my circumstances, that He is good, and that His plan for my life and for Wesley's life is perfect.  But then when I face a small trial, instead of praying for the Lord to help me to trust Him and believe that He loves my children even more than I do, I am overwhelmed by fear.  I beg the Lord to remove the trial, but I am not asking in faith.  My request is motivated solely by an all-encompassing fear.

So today I am gearing up for battle.  My circumstances have not changed.  Zach is still a very sick little boy, and it is unlikely that Wesley will make it through unscathed.  But today I will take hold of the truths from God's word and wield them in the fight against fear.  I will ask God to help me believe His promises.  And, as Charles Spurgeon said when addressing suffering, "I will kiss the wave that strikes me against the Rock of Ages."

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  Isaiah 41:10

"I lift up my eyes to the hills.  From where does my help come?  My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.  He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber.  Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.  The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand.  The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night.  The Lord will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life.  The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore."  Psalm 121:1-8

Generous Giving

Since Wesley's birth, God has opened our eyes to the plight of orphans with disabilities around the world.  The suffering and rejection they experience because of their disabilities should not only break the hearts of all Christians, but should stir in our hearts a call to action.  These children truly are the least of these.  

Over the course of the past six months, God has been slowly chipping away at our hearts, showing us that now that He has opened our eyes to these children and their dire plight, it is not OK for us to sit silently and watch as they live out their life sentence.

Mike and I are praying that the Lord would clearly guide us as to whether He will lead us to one day adopt a child with special needs.  But as we wait and prepare to follow his leading, whatever that may be, we also want to follow God's call on our lives by using our money for His purposes.

Our church has been going through a series on generous living, and a few weeks ago our pastor preached from Luke 12:13-21, which is the parable of the rich fool.  The last verse in this passage struck my heart to the core:  "So is the one who stores up treasure for himself and is not rich toward God."

Only a fool believes that his possessions and money are all owned exclusively by him to be enjoyed exclusively by him.  Instead of just being concerned with our own enjoyment of our possessions, Mike and I want to be concerned with wisely using the money God has given us to glorify God and to help others.  Since we have trusted in Jesus as our Savior, He has purchased us by His blood.  Therefore we are His, and all that we own is His as well.  God owns us and all of our stuff.  And God's purposes for our money and possessions include being rich toward God by using our money for His purposes.  This includes not only giving to our local church, but also helping the needy.

Only a fool believes that his stuff will keep him secure.  In order to be rich toward God, we must trust in God to provide for all that we need rather than trusting in our possessions.  We must believe that God will be faithful to our family in order to be able to give generously and sacrificially.

Only a fool believes that earthly treasure is all that matters.  If our focus is on storing up earthly treasure, our hearts will be chained to this world.  Then we will tragically miss out on the unique opportunity of storing up treasure that will never fail for all eternity.

Mike and I left this message praying that God will give us wisdom as we seek to take hold of the unique opportunity of storing up treasure for all eternity.  For, just as the trials that we are walking through are only light and momentary afflictions in light of all eternity, so also any treasure that we store up here on earth is only momentary.  We would much rather be rich toward God.

We covet your prayers as we ask the Lord how we can best give to these orphans in a way that will proclaim the gospel and bring much glory to God.

Yours Forever

"Lord, I give up all my own plans and purposes, all my own desires and hopes, and accept Your will for my life. I give myself, my life, my all utterly to You to be Yours forever. Fill me and seal me with Your Holy Spirit. Use me as You want, send me where You want, work out Your whole will in my life at any cost, now and forever."

- Betty Scott Stam

Food - Ups and Downs

A week after Wesley started eating Spaghetti-O's and other Chef Boyardee canned pastas, he decided that it was time to start refusing all baby food.  The problem with this was that he simply could not live on Chef Boyardee for three meals a day indefinitely.

We prayed that God would help Wesley start eating more table foods, and I prepared fruits and vegetables to bring to his next feeding therapy session.  Unfortunately, that therapy session was a complete disaster.  Wesley refused the steamed and mushy vegetables, the oatmeal, drinking out of an open cup, and even the apple sauce.  Needless to say, I left the therapy session very discouraged.  At subsequent therapy sessions, he also refused small pieces of banana and slices of american cheese.

Thankfully though, that is not the end of the story.  God has graciously answered our prayers for Wesley to start eating again, although not in the way that we had thought best.  Wesley has begun to eat his baby food again.  While it is disappointing to still be feeding him baby food, we are so very thankful that the Lord is continuing to faithfully provide for all of Wesley's needs.  Just as God cares for the birds of the air and the flowers of the field, so He also lovingly cares for Wesley, providing him with all the nutrition that he needs.

Wesley's feeding therapist has been working extra hard to help us introduce new foods to Wesley, but she added to our disappointment by explaining that with Wesley's low tone, difficulty chewing and new gag reflex, it will probably be a long time before he is able to eat fruits and vegetables.  It is much easier for him to eat overcooked or soft pastas and meats that only require one or two chews before swallowing.  Fruits and vegetables, on the other hand, require much more chewing before they are swallowed.  We have also learned that Wesley cannot tolerate foods that are sticky, such as mashed potatoes or hummus.  He has a very high palate, and as soon as his tongue pushes these foods up into his palate, he gags and throws up.

Despite these setbacks, Wesley has started to show an interest in more foods.  He will now eat quesadillas and guacamole.  He also regularly eats slices of thin crust pizza.  He even surprised us this weekend when he ate a slice of hand-tossed Pizza Hut pizza.  In the past he would have spit out the bread as soon as he realized it would require more work to eat, but this time he chewed it!  He also tolerates Cream of Wheat, as long as I mix it with a generous helping of apple sauce or other baby food fruits.  I do have to be careful of this, though, as I often watch his gag reflex start to kick in. On Monday at therapy he ate a few carrots and green beans from a can of minestrone soup (of course he also gagged and threw up when his therapist offered him a kidney bean).  We are praying that this will be the beginning of an introduction of vegetables for him.

Wesley continues to love his Chef Boyardee foods, now eating their Spaghetti-O's & meatballs, ravioli & meatballs, and mac & cheese.  He even permitted a variation when I made Kraft macaroni and cheese with soy milk (gross, I know!).

He seems to prefer salty and savory foods to sweet foods, which means he often refuses graham crackers or animal crackers, knowing that after a while I will give up and give him his veggie straws, pretzels, or goldfish.  He also now eats crackers with peanut butter on them, which have been an excellent source of fat and protein for him.

So despite our setbacks, we have been encouraged overall these past few weeks as we have watched God work in our little boy's life.  We continue to pray that he will accept more foods and more textures, but we rejoice at the strides that he is making.

Words (Plural!)

When Zach was two years old, my grandmother told me I should write down everything he said so that I wouldn't forget.  I remember thinking that it would be impossible to record every new thing that he did or said since at this point he already had a full vocabulary and added new words by the handful each day.  Looking back, it was such a joy to converse with him, but I never rejoiced at new words he spoke the way that I do with Wesley.

So, in keeping with my grandmother's wise words, I want to take a moment to write down and thank the Lord for the new words Wesley has started saying this week.

In the past week, Wesley's speech has exploded.  In addition to the words he was already saying ("all done", "Daddy", and "in"), he is now also saying "up", "down", "on", "off" and "bye".  He also is consistently signing "more", "all done", and "up".  And, he is starting to imitate us more too.  As he poked at my mom's face this weekend, she smiled at him, removed his hand, and jokingly said "enough".  Much to our surprise, he cheerfully looked back at her and said "anuff".

He is also imitating non-verbal sounds when we play games, such as "eee", raspberries, putting his lips together over and over again to make the "p" sound, saying "lalalala", and spitting with his lips closed (which is difficult for him to do with the low tone in his mouth).

The most exciting part of his new explosion of speech is that he seems to be adding words and signs without losing others.  In the past, every time he has added a word or a sign, he has lost all previous words and signs and just used the new ones.  So seeing him add words and signs while continuing to use his other words is a big step for him.  He is still having difficulty with motor planning, sometimes using the wrong sign until we remind him of the correct one, but the fact that he remembers the correct sign as we redirect him is wonderful.

His favorite thing to do is play games where he can use his signs and words over and over again.  He loves it when we turn the lights on and off for him.  As soon as we turn the lights on, he starts yelling "off" until we turn them off.  Then, the moment they turn off, he yells "on" with a big smile.  He could play this game forever.  We also play "up" and "down" with a parachute.  He throws his arms up in the air and says "up". Then, when we lift the parachute up, he throws his arms back down, saying "down".  He laughs and jumps around as we play these games, loving that he has the ability to tell us what he wants and that when he speaks things happen!

Of course, this post wouldn't be complete without sharing the bad news as well.  On Monday we had Wesley's hearing re-checked and it appears that the tube in his left ear is blocked and is starting to fall out.  There is also fluid in his left middle ear again.  So, we have started him on antibiotic drops and then will switch to a hydrogen peroxide solution in a few days in hopes that this will clear up the wax and the fluid.  Please pray that the fluid will drain and that surgery will not be needed to re-insert a tube in his left ear.  We will see Wesley's ENT again in a few weeks to see if the drops and solution helped or not.

Brothers

It would be no exaggeration to say that Wesley worships the ground that Zach walks on.  Wherever Zach goes, Wesley follows. Whatever Zach does, Wesley wants to do.  And whenever Zach invites Wesley to join him in an activity, Wesley is filled with excitement.  As Wesley follows in his brother's footsteps, it's pretty clear that he thinks Zach is the coolest big brother ever!

On the other hand, Zach has not always had this same affection toward his younger brother.  So it has been a joy for me to see recent changes in his heart toward Wesley.  Over the past two weeks I have had multiple opportunities to catch Zach's brotherly love in action.

For Christmas, Wesley's ST gave both boys kazoos (I know, the bane of my existence!), which they have LOVED!  At first Wesley didn't have any interest in them, but over time, as Zach played them with exuberance and joy for days on end, Wesley started to realize that these things really are tons of fun.  So he finally gave them a try.  Of course, he doesn't play the kazoo in the right spot, but thankfully it still works for him.  Now the boys regularly form their own little band, running through the house with Zach leading the way and Wesley following close behind.

Last week we had a free morning, and instead of running errands I decided to have family play/therapy time.  It was such a delight for me to watch as Zach excitedly explained everything to Wesley and cheerfully encouraged him at each step along the way.

Here Zach is helping Wesley sign "more" and say "go" while playing with Wesley's wind-up frog.

Wesley loved watching as Zach wound up his frog over and over and over again.

Then we worked on helping Wesley with his fine motor skills as he practiced putting coins into his piggy bank.  Zach was SO encouraging to his little brother.  He kept switching into his sweet, soft voice that he uses with Wesley and saying things like "good job Wesley" and "keep trying Wesley, you can do it".  In fact, with all of Zach's sweet encouragement, Wesley actually learned how to put the coins into the pig all by himself!  This is a HUGE accomplishment for him, as he still has a lot of difficulty with his fine motor skills and his pincer grasp.  And when he succeeded, Zach cheered and cheered for him!

An extra special moment occurred last Wednesday when I asked Zach to play with Wesley for a few minutes while I cleaned up before Wesley's DT arrived.  Zach got so excited and ran around collecting Wesley's favorite toys.  Then I heard him grab a few of Wesley's picture cards.  So I peeked around the corner to watch as he showed Wesley two picture cards and said, "Wesley, do you want your drum or your ball?  Yay, you picked your ball.  Great job Wesley.  Here you go, here's your ball!"  Then, he grabbed Wesley's Itsy Bitsy Spider picture card and said, "Wesley, do you want your drum or do you want Itsy Bitsy Spider?"  Of course, Wesley picked for Zach to sing to him, and thankfully I had the camera there to catch the song on video.

We learned early on that Wesley disliked cold foods, so ice cream and popsicles were out of the question.  But just last week Mike offered him a popsicle and Wesley loved it!  So this week when I gave Zach the last popsicle after lunch one day and then saw Wesley running toward him with his "I want some of that too" scream, I knew I was in big trouble.  But much to my surprise, instead I saw this:

It is such a joy to watch my boys playing together and loving each other!

Thank you Lord for blessing each of my boys with a brother!

Wesley's Life and God's Glory

After I wrote the post The Things I Can't Do Anything About, I received a question from a reader, asking if I ever feel like God's glory isn't enough to make up for these trials.  Do I ever feel like I would rather have Wesley happy and healthy and whole and not struggling than have God glorified?  Do I ever feel like God has enough glory and he doesn't need more?  God is glorious no matter what happens in our our lives, but Wesley only has this one life to live and why does it have to be so hard for him?  Why would God make a child miserable to bring himself glory?

In answering these questions, I first want to acknowledge that there is no easy, quick answer.  These are hard questions that have to be wrestled with.  In order to consider these questions rightly, I must first believe two things about God.

First, I must believe that God is good and that He is working all things together for my good (and for Wesley's good if he trusts in Him).  According to Romans 8:28, "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."  I recently read an excellent quote by R.C. Sproul on this verse that said,

"God, in his providence, has the power and the will to work all things together for good for his people. This does not mean that everything that happens to us is, in itself, good. Really bad things do happen to us. They are only proximately bad; they are never ultimately bad. That is, they are bad only in the short (proximate) term, never in the long term. Because of the triumph of God’s goodness in all things, he is able to bring good for us out of the bad. He turns our tragedies into supreme blessings."

 When I am tempted to question God's plan in creating Wesley with special needs, I can cling to the promise that while things will be more difficult for him and for us, God has promised to work this trial for our good.  He will turn the hardships that we have walked through and will continue to walk through into a supreme blessing!  And, when God works this trial for good in our lives, that is when He receives much glory.

Secondly, I must have an eternal perspective.  2 Corinthians 4:16-18 says, "So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.  For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."

It is true that here on earth Wesley only has this one life to live, and that in his lifetime he will face many difficulties and suffer much.  But, praise the Lord, even if he were to suffer every moment of his life here on earth, it is a light and momentary affliction in comparison to the eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison that is awaiting him in heaven.  What I see - a little boy with a chromosomal abnormality who will struggle in this life and never accomplish much in the world's eyes - is transient.  But what I don't see - heaven, where Wesley, in his new and perfect body, will forever worship and sing praise to his creator and savior - is eternal.

When my eyes are opened to the transience of this world and I long for the day when I will see my Savior face to face and worship him forever, God receives much glory.

So, while I wouldn't say that God has made Wesley miserable (you have only to meet my sweet little boy to see that he is filled with joy), I would say that by God creating Wesley with a chromosomal abnormality, He has already received much glory because of how He has worked this trial for good in our lives.  God has used this trial to make me increasingly thankful for my Savior, who has provided for my greatest need by sending His Son to pay the penalty for my sins.  He has used Wesley's medical challenges to remind me that while I am not in control, I can trust Him, for He is upholding Wesley's life.  And He has given me a greater longing for heaven, when all things will be made right, and when I will see Him face to face.