Our Heritage

Behold! I tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed.
1 Corinthians 15:51-52

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." And he who was seated on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new." Also he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." And he said to me, "It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son. Revelation 21:3-7

This is our hope! This is the reason that King Jesus came to earth. He humbled himself to be born as a human baby; he suffered griefs and persecution throughout his life. Then he further humbled himself to the point of death - for you and for me. And he did all of this that he might save each and every one of us to an imperishable glory laid up in heaven for us. This is what we look forward to even though on earth we suffer with various trials. This is the hope we cling to in the midst of our grief and pain. In this world we have tribulations, but we take heart because Jesus has overcome the world. And one day, our king will come again and make all things right. We shall all be changed!

One day, we shall see Jesus face to face, and he will wipe every tear from our eyes. Our griefs and sorrows and pain and suffering shall be no more. There will be no more sin and death and disease and depression and disability. We will be raised imperishable, and we will dwell with God as his people. And he will dwell with us. What a glorious day this will be!

Though we don't see this now, let us not lose heart, for we know that our suffering will not last forever. Just as Abraham did not waver in unbelief but believed God's promise, convinced that God was able to do what he had promised, let us also believe, in hope, by faith, that God WILL DO what he has promised! One day Jesus will return. One day he will make all things right again. And on that glorious day, we shall be changed.

What a glorious heritage we have been given! While we do not yet see our promised inheritance, it is done. It has been written down, signed, and finalized. God's promise to us is trustworthy and true. On that day we will drink of the spring of the water of eternal life until we are satisfied. We will drink freely of that which cost him his life. And we will rejoice. His praises will fill our hearts and overflow from our lips as he opens our eyes to see him in the fullness of his glory and holiness.

Now we live in the not yet, but we know that one day our faith will be made sight. And until that day we walk forward, step by step, looking not to that which is seen but to that which is unseen, clinging to the promises of our Savior and the promised eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison that awaits the one who conquers.

True Joy and Satisfaction

This week I had an aha moment. As I was preparing for my women's Bible Study, one of the questions struck me deeply. It asked what we seek to live by - the things that proceed from this world or every word that comes from the mouth of God. As I pondered this question, the light came on and I began to understand the struggles of my heart over the past few weeks. Since returning from a funeral several weeks ago, I have been quick to anger, easily irritated, and critical of my boys and my husband.

During my study of God's word this week, the Lord opened my eyes to see again that true joy and satisfaction can only be found in him. The things of this world will never satisfy. When I seek to find my satisfaction and my joy in the things of this world, like food, obedient children, everything in order with everything in its place and everyone doing what they should be doing when they should be doing it, I find that these things never satisfy. Not only do they not bring joy and satisfaction, but they put me in bondage and keep me from finding satisfaction in the only One who gives true joy. For I will only find true joy and satisfaction in Jesus!

In Hebrews 3 and 4, we are exhorted to not harden our hearts in unbelief as the Israelites did when they wandered in the wilderness. Unlike them, let us believe by faith, that we might enter into the eternal rest of Jesus. Let us trust in Jesus as our Savior and king and hold fast to our confidence firm to the end. "For we have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original confidence firm to the end." The Israelites sought to find their rest, not in God, but in the things that God gave them - in water, in food, in peace from their enemies. And they never ultimately found rest, for they never realized that their rest was found in God and not in the things of this world. Now we are called to not harden our hearts as the Israelites did, but to look to Jesus for our rest.

Only Jesus satisfies, and only Jesus brings ultimate joy and rest for all of eternity. When we seek to find our rest and joy and satisfaction in the things of this world, we will always find that they will never truly satisfy. When I seek to find rest in a clean house, obedient children, and in keeping up with a packed schedule with everyone where they need to be at the right time, I will find that this does not satisfy or bring me true joy. My children are not perfect, and they will disobey, grumble, and fight among themselves. Traffic will happen. There will be moments when I have to choose between staying on schedule and stopping to wipe tears, comfort a heart that has been crushed, or listen to a story that matters a lot to the sweet boy who is telling it. Then, if I am seeking satisfaction in these things, I will become overwhelmed as I try to catch back up to my grueling schedule, or I will respond with irritability and anger as my day hopelessly continues to run 10 minutes behind throughout the course of the day with no way to catch up. I will respond with anger to interruptions that slow down my ability to catch up or quarreling boys that require my time to sort things out and help their little hearts. At this point, my search for satisfaction has put me in bondage to time and order. And even if everything does go perfectly one day, with children obeying and playing well together, a clean house that remains clean all day, and a perfectly kept schedule, I will ultimately find that this doesn't satisfy. It just leaves me wanting more. Instead may I look to Jesus for rest, for joy, and for satisfaction. For when I (when we) look to him, we will find that he gives us eternal rest. He gives us joy and satisfaction for all of eternity. When we trust in Him, we will never hunger or thirst. He will satisfy us fully. So may we find our joy and satisfaction in Jesus today!

"I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst." John 6:35

"Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:25-26

Photo Credit: Misha Seger Photography

Our Helper Who Fights For Us

Out of my distress I called on the Lord; the Lord answered me and set me free. The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me? The Lord is on my side as my helper; I shall look in triumph on those who hate me. It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man. Psalm 118:5-8

I was pushed hard, so that I was falling, but the Lord helped me. The Lord is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. Psalm 118:13-14 

When we think of the attributes of God, most of our minds quickly turn to his peaceful, saving attributes. We think of him as our heavenly father, whose steadfast love never ceases and whose mercies never come to an end. He is our Savior who loves us and brings us peace with God. But in Exodus 15:3, we see that God is also a man of war.

Although we cannot see it, we are in the midst of a cosmic battle between God and the forces of darkness. The god of this world is blinding the minds of unbelievers to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel that God is shining into their hearts. The devil is actively scheming against us with lies, accusations, and half-truths in an attempt to persuade us to doubt and disobey God. Satan is in direct opposition to God, and this battle is of eternal significance.

In this battle, our God is a man of war. He does not sit idly by as Satan wreaks havoc on this world. He battles for his people. And the same right hand that brings deliverance to his people brings judgment on his enemies. The Lord is sovereign, and as Pharoah learned in Exodus 15, if you fight against God, you lose. Our God strikes terror into the hearts of his enemies. He overthrows them and will completely and ultimately destroy them.

So when we are in distress, let us call on the Lord. For when we cry out to him, he will answer us. He is the God who saves, and he will be faithful to save us. Not only will he answer us, but he promises to set us free. This does mean not that our circumstances will suddenly change and we will no longer suffer from the temptations and trials of this life. But what it does mean is that our saving God will set us free from the bondage of sin. In this spiritual battle we are fighting, God promises that when we cry out to him for help, he will help us in the midst of our circumstances. He will be our refuge in the storm. As we look to him, he will free us from our anger, our bitterness, our fears and anxieties. He will free us from sin's power over us.

The Lord, the man of war, is on our side! Therefore we have nothing to fear. In this world we will have troubles. Jesus has already warned us of this. But we can take heart, for Jesus has overcome the world. We may suffer persecution or harm from others during this lifetime, but ultimately people can do nothing to us. Their harm is only temporary. God's salvation for us is for all of eternity. Just has God has saved us through the death of Jesus on the cross, he will surely bring us home. Oh what a day that will be! One day Jesus will make all things right for all of eternity and completely and ultimately destroy all who are in opposition to him.

Not only is our God, the man of war, on our side, but he is our helper. What hope that gives us. We are on the winning side, and we have the Lord helping and strengthening us daily to continue the fight. Our fight is not against flesh and blood, so the Lord has given us weapons to wield that have divine power to destroy strongholds. Satan hates us and delights in seeing the power of sin strangle us. But with Jesus on our side, we will look in triumph on him who hates us. Since Satan is fighting in direct opposition to God, when he fights us he is also fighting God. And when someone fights against God, the sovereign man of war, they will lose.

This is our hope. God helps us and gives us his divine power to destroy the strongholds of sin in our lives. When we cry out to God, he answers us and helps us and frees us from the bondage of sin. He frees us from the bondage of fear, envy, anger, gluttony, lust, and anxiety. God frees us from sin's power over us. So now we can look in triumph on him who hates us.

So often as Christians we think of God's saving grace as a moment in time when he saved us from our sins at the cross and brought us into his family. But we forget that we need his continued help and grace every moment of every day. Once we have been redeemed and justified by the blood of Jesus, we often try to continue to sanctify ourselves in our own strength. But as Psalm 118 says, "it is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man." When we trust in ourselves and try to fight against sin in our own strength, we are fighting a spiritual battle with the weapons of the flesh. When we battle this way, we will surely fall. We will find ourselves fighting a losing battle against an enemy who delights in seeing us broken under the bondage of sin.

But thanks be to God, he does not leave us here! In the midst of our brokenness and distress, when we cry out to the Lord, he always answers us. Even as we are pushed so hard that we are falling, he promises that he will help us. He will not leave us to be crushed under the bondage of our sin. He will give us his strength to fight. He will be our salvation! So no matter where we are today, let us call out to the Lord. No matter how defeated we feel in the battle against sin, let us cry out to the Lord in our distress, and he will answer us and set us free!

He Knows and He Cares

This past month, the weight of grief has been heavy on my heart. As I have looked at the suffering around me and grieved deeply with dear friends, two verses have brought me much comfort in the midst of my tears and sorrow.

Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows. Isaiah 53:4a

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18 

God is near to us when our hearts are broken. He saves us - saves our souls - when our souls are crushed under the weight of our grief and sorrow. And not only is God near to us in the midst of our brokenness, but he knows and understands our griefs and sorrows. Jesus himself bore them when he was pierced for our transgressions. We can feel like we are so very alone when we are grieving. Even when others are with us, we can feel as if they don't understand. But we are never alone. God is with us. Even when we don't feel that he is there, he is. And he understands. What a comfort it is to know that God understands our grief and our sorrow, and he understands it because he has borne this exact same sorrow and grief that we are bearing. He knows it perfectly.

In Isaiah 46:3-4, God says: "Listen to me, O house of Jacob, all the remnant of the house of Israel, who have been borne by me from before your birth, carried from the womb; even to your old age I am he, and to gray hairs I will carry you. I have made, and I will bear; I will carry and will save." 

God created every intricate detail of each one of us with the specific strengths and weaknesses that we have, and he has put us in communities with other people around us who also have strengths and weaknesses. And God has promised us that he who created us just the way we are will be faithful to us all the way to the end. His steadfast love toward us will never cease. His mercies freely given to us will never come to an end. He has made us, and he will bear our burdens with us - the burdens of disabilities, depression, physical ailments, financial need, broken families, and the death of loved ones. We will never walk alone. He will carry us. And one day, he will ultimately save us for all of eternity. One day there will be no more tears and no more grief and suffering. One day we will see Jesus face to face and all things will be made right. Oh glorious day!

And until that day, let us never forget that God hears our cries for help. God hears our groaning and weeping and grief. He sees our suffering. And he knows. He understands. He cares. He will never leave us or forsake us. Great is his faithfulness to us!

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made: Explaining Disabilties To Children

Yesterday I was given the opportunity to go into Zach's school and talk with the elementary school students about disabilities. As I talked with these young students, I thanked God for giving them the opportunity to begin learning at a young age about His good plan, even in disability. 

Here is what I shared:

I am here today to talk about people. All of us, as people, are created by God. And one of the things we know about God is that, as the creator of the universe, He is creative. He loves to create things that are beautiful and unique – things that when we look at them, we will be amazed at their beauty and respond by worshiping and praising the God who created them.

People are the capstone of God’s creation. After God created everything else, He created people. And He created us in His very own image, so that we would display and communicate what He is like and how great He is. Every single person is created in the image of God. God also created every single person to be unique – different from every other person. God creates some people to be tall and some people to be short, some people to have straight hair and some to have curly hair, some people to have darker skin while others have lighter skin, some people to be really good at sports and other people to have a talent for music or art, some people to love math and understand it quickly while others struggle through their math but love to read. God creates us all differently, and our differences are all beautiful to Him. God never makes mistakes in what He creates. In Psalm 139:13-14a it says, “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”

Sometimes our differences don’t seem very big. But other times, we can see the differences in people right away. God creates some people with disabilities. A disability is something that causes a person to not have the ability to do something in the same way that most people can do it. Some disabilities are physical, like blindness or the inability to walk. Other disabilities are cognitive, which means that they affect the mind. Cognitive disabilities affect what a person understands and how fast they can think through information. People with cognitive disabilities have a harder time learning things, and it takes them longer to learn to do something than it might take you or me. Disabilities can also affect the senses and cause people to be very bothered by loud sounds, bright lights, things touching them, tastes or textures of foods, and strong smells. Sometimes people are born with disabilities, like a baby that is born without eyes. Other times, people become disabled later in their lives from accidents or illnesses, like a soldier who loses their leg in a war.

A phrase we often use to describe people with disabilities is “special needs”. When we say that a person has special needs, what we mean is that along with having the same needs that other people have, a person with a disability also has needs that are special and unique to them. They need extra help for them to do ordinary things in life. For example, a person who cannot walk might need a wheelchair or a walker. And they will need ramps to get into buildings with stairs and elevators to get from floor to floor in a building. A person with cognitive delays might need extra help from teachers in school to help them learn to read or learn new math skills. They might need therapy to help them to speak clearly or write neatly. When a person with special needs goes to therapy, a therapist who is specially trained in teaching specific things will work with them 1-on-1 to help them learn to the best of their abilities. A person with cognitive and physical delays might even need therapy to help them learn to walk, eat, and talk.

When we see a person with a disability, it is easy to just notice their differences – how they don’t walk like us or talk like us or even look like us. It is easy to see what they can’t do, or to notice the things that they do that are different. We can think that they are strange. Sometimes people with disabilities make noises that we can think sound strange or even funny. Sometimes people with special needs are loud when others know it is time to be quiet. Sometimes a person with a disability moves their body differently than you move yours. But it is important to remember that God has a special plan for their lives just like he does for ours. Just because they are different doesn’t mean that they are wrong or broken. It just means that they are different. God doesn’t make any mistakes. He created people with special needs fearfully and wonderfully just like He created each one of us.

Every single person that God has created is fearfully and wonderfully made. This includes people that are our friends and people whose differences annoy us or even scare us. Because God created everyone, and everyone is created in His image, He instructs us to love those around us and to be kind to them. When we are unkind or unloving to the people around us, we are being unkind and unloving to those who are created in the very image of God.

But sometimes it is hard to know how to be kind to people with disabilities. Sometimes we don’t know what to say or do. So what does it look like to befriend a person with a disability? One thing to remember is that people with disabilities are still people, just like us. A person with special needs wants to be loved, just like you want to be loved. People with disabilities want to be included and have friends, just like you do. People with disabilities want to be welcomed and appreciated just for who they are. Doesn’t that sound like something you want? So, when you notice someone with a disability, it is ok to look. We all notice when people are different from us. But as you are looking, remember a time when you were a new person somewhere, or when you were different from the people around you. How did you want to be treated? Did you want to be welcomed? Did you want to see a friendly face? People with disabilities want the same thing.

So, the next time you see someone with a disability, you can smile at them. You can go over and say hi. If you’re playing a game of basketball and someone in a wheelchair is watching, invite them to play. They may not be able to play the same way that you play, but you might be surprised at what they can do! If you are playing with friends at the park and you notice someone with special needs watching, invite them to join you. They might not be able to keep up, and they might not exactly understand how to play, but they will be so happy that you asked. And when you talk to people with cognitive special needs, be patient. Sometimes it may take someone with special needs longer to think about what they want to say, or it might be harder for them to get the actual words out. Sometimes you might have a hard time understanding what they are saying. Sometimes they might have a hard time making eye contact while they talk to you. But remember that they are a person, just like you, and remember to love them and respect them by listening just like you want to be respected and listened to when you are talking. Sometimes a person with a disability might not react the same way you would, and they might not be the same kind of friend that you would be. But they can still be a good friend.

As you are kind to people with special needs and get to know them, I think you will find that God has given people with disabilities special gifts too. There are lots of things that we can learn from people with disabilities. The people that I know with special needs are some of the most diligent, hard-working, and joyful people I have ever met. Because things are not easy for them, they have learned to not give up when things are hard.

My friend Amy, who struggles to move her body and has a special motorized wheel chair to get around, sets an example for me of what it looks like to be thankful in all circumstances. There are lots of things that she cannot do. But she is always cheerful, and she thanks God for all of the blessings and gifts He has given to her. Instead of taking life for granted, or complaining about the things she is unable to do, Amy is thankful for all of the little things in life that God gives her – all of the little things that you and I often forget to even notice.

My son Wesley, who has a cognitive disability that affects his mind, works harder than anyone I know. In addition to school, he works for hours every day on things that might come naturally to you or me. He doesn’t quit when something is too hard. He keeps trying, time after time after time, until he finally figures it out. And then, once he does learn how to do something, he rejoices. He is so proud of himself that he wants everyone to know what he can do so that we can all join in celebrating with him. Often, it is easy to just move on to the next thing once we have accomplished something, but Wesley reminds me daily that we ought to slow down and celebrate. Everything that we have comes from God, and everything that we learn to do is a gift from God. So let’s stop and celebrate and thank God for his gifts to us each day!

My son Wesley also sets an example of what it looks like to be a good friend. He is quick to forgive, not holding a grudge against people who have been unkind to him. He loves his friends with all of his heart, greeting them with big smiles and cheerful words. He welcomes his friends joyfully and affectionately. In this way, I want to become more like Wesley – a friend who makes others feel welcomed and loved when they are around me.

Because we are all created by God in His image, we are all precious to God. We are all people who reflect a bit of God in our lives just by being who God made us to be. And God loves us just the way we are. He never intended for us to all be the same, and He has a different and special plan for each one of our lives. Part of His plan for our lives includes being kind to those around us and loving them just as God loves us.

Now we have some time where I can answer questions. Does anyone have any questions about disabilities, what God thinks of disabilities, or how we can love people with disabilities?

Waiting

Most of our lives are spent waiting.

Abraham waited twenty-five years from the time God promised him that the whole earth would be blessed through him until the time that his son Isaac was born.

The Israelites waited 400 years until God sent Moses to deliver them out of Egypt.

The Jews waited another 400 years for God to speak to them after Malachi, the last prophet, prophesied the coming of John the Baptist.

And now, we wait too. We wait for answers to prayers. We wait for God to act, to move, to show us that He is there, that He cares, and that He is mighty to save.

So in the midst of our waiting, how do we not lose heart?

We must believe that God is faithful. He will do all that He has promised. 

"The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance." 2 Peter 3:9

"...I am watching over my word to perform it." Jeremiah 1:12

God is at work. Every word that He has promised, He will watch over to make sure that it comes to pass. He knows the perfect timing for His promises to be fulfilled. We can feel like God is not listening to our requests, or that He doesn't care about our needs. We question his love for us and demand proof in the form of signs and wonders. But these demands only show the state of our own hearts, like a child demanding that their parent buy them a set of Legos at the store and insisting that a refusal of such a demand is proof their parents do not love them, all the while not knowing that their parents have been saving up to give them a big, extra-special Lego set for their birthday. Just as the child does not know the plans of his parents and the good gift they have for him, so we don't know the Lord's plans for us. What we do know is what He says in His word: "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.'" Jeremiah 29:11

To not lose heart, we must believe that these words are true. We must not insist that God show his love for us by answering our prayers in specific ways but instead trust His loving hand. God's plans for us are for our good. And He is faithful. He will do all that He has promised.

We must remember what we are waiting for.

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 5:10-11

"Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." Revelation 21:3-4

Here on earth, we will face trials and suffering. Things will not go perfectly. Children will die; hard-working parents will lose their jobs; relationships will struggle; people will suffer with disabilities, depression, pain, sorrow, and grief; we will muddle through the thorns and thistles of this life, slogging along and feeling as if we will never reach the end of the race. At times it will seem as if God doesn't care. Doesn't he see that we are wasting away? If so, what is He going to do about it?

As we look to God, wondering if He sees our suffering, and if so, if he even cares, we must remember that this world is not our home. This lifetime is not the end. Jesus even said to his disciples, "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world, you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." John 16:33

This is our hope! Jesus has overcome the world! He is coming again! And He is coming to get us! The things that we see, the here and now - these things are transient. They will come to an

end. Our hope is in what we don't see. Jesus. He is eternal. And He will one day restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish us for all eternity. He will dwell with us, wiping away every tear from our eyes. One day, there will be no more disability, no more depression, no more grief, no more pain, no more suffering!

When we set our hope on that day, trusting God's promise that it is coming, this strengthens our hearts to wait for Jesus with a hope that will not disappoint.

Star Student

Wesley was Star Student at school this week, which gave me the opportunity to go into his class on Thursday and share with his classmates more about who he is, what he likes, and why he is who he is. Earlier this fall, Courtney at Pudge and Biggs shared a book she wrote to introduce her daughter with Down syndrome to her new kindergarten class. I loved the simplicity of the text and the appeal to kindergartners, so I based quite a bit of what I shared with Wesley's class off of her book.

Before sharing with Wesley's class, I prayed that God would help me to present Wesley clearly to the class in a way that his classmates could understand, and that God would give them a heart to love Wesley.  Here is what I shared:

Wesley is in kindergarten.
He wears a backpack and eats a sack lunch.
He has a desk and a chair that are just for him.
Maybe that sounds like you.

Wesley likes to play with his brothers.
He builds lots of things with legos - especially towers and carousels.
He loves to play the piano, sing, and dance.
His favorite place to be is outside - playing soccer, swimming, and playing on the playground.
Maybe you enjoy doing these things too.

Wesley's favorite foods are noodles, hot dogs, sandwiches, bananas, and goldfish.
He loves to eat french fries at McDonalds and play in the playland.
Maybe you like some of these foods too.

Wesley has brown eyes.
He has straight hair and wears glasses.
He has a big smile and no loose teeth yet.
Maybe he looks like you.

Wesley has special needs.
Maybe those words are something new.

Wesley is not sick.
He is not hurting and he is not a baby.
He wants to be treated like a kindergartner.
Maybe you want to be treated that way too.

Wesley has a hard time saying words.
He has a hard time understanding what other people are saying to him.
He might have a hard time sitting still.
Maybe wiggling is something you sometimes do.

Wesley can still be a good friend.
He can play games and climb and run.
He can laugh and share and jump and dance.
Maybe he'll do some of those things with you.

Wesley is in kindergarten.
He knows the alphabet and rides the bus.
He is so happy he can share Mrs. ***** with you.
Maybe you are too.

Sweeter than Honey

Two and a half years ago, as a mom of a newborn baby, a two year old with special needs, and a rambunctious preschooler, I sat in church on the first Sunday morning of 2012, not knowing that God would use this day to do a powerful work in my heart. That morning, our church introduced a new Bible memory plan, encouraging each church member to join together in memorizing a verse each week from the Desiring God Fighter Verses collection. I had been praying that the Lord would give me discernment to know how to read His Word that year, as I was sleep deprived, my time was limited, and my mind was mush. When I first heard about this memory plan, I immediately thought that this was the perfect plan for me.  One verse a week – I could do that! So, I committed to memorizing the fighter verses each week in 2012, thinking that this would be a simple way to meditate on God’s word in the midst of the busyness of life. Little did I know what the Lord had in store for me.

Looking back several years later, I can clearly say that God orchestrated this event to prepare me for the hardest years of my life. In these years I have received heart breaking diagnoses for my children, watched as my husband has suffered more deeply than I could have imagined possible, and had my faith strongly tested.  During these times, I have often been stretched so thin that my mind has struggled to hold together everything necessary for daily living. In the process of making sure that all my children have been fed, clothed, arrived to school and countless therapies and doctor’s appointments on time, while also carrying the weight of heavy burdens, I have experienced what it is like for a brain to go into survival mode. During long stretches of time, my mind has been physically unable to understand and soak in the prayers of others, the kind emails of encouragement, the sermons on Sunday mornings, and the Scriptures I read each morning. It has been as if what goes in one ear (or eye), finds that there is no room to stay and promptly exits the other ear.

But in the midst of these trying circumstances, I have found that God has used the Scriptures I have memorized and meditated on to sustain me and remind me of His steadfast love and faithfulness. His words have upheld me as I have clung to His promises. When all around my soul has given way, I have found that He has been my help, my sustainer, my shelter, my refuge, my life. As the old hymn says, as I have stayed my mind and my heart on the Lord and His promises, I have found perfect peace and rest. As I have trusted Him wholly, I have found Him to be wholly true.

“The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul; the testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple; the precepts of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart; the commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes; the rules of the Lord are true, and righteous altogether. More to be desired are they than gold, even much fine gold; sweeter also than honey and drippings of the honeycomb. Moreover, by them is your servant warned; in keeping them there is great reward.” Psalm 119:7-11

After several years of memorizing and meditating on Scripture, I can say with confidence that these words from Psalm 119 are true. During times when I have been unable to recall the words of others or even the words from the Bible that I have read, the Lord has been faithful to consistently bring Scriptures that I have memorized to mind, reviving my soul. On days when I have desperately cried out for wisdom, God’s word has flooded my mind, granting me wisdom and enlightening my eyes. At my darkest and most fearful moments, God’s promises in His Word have brought joy and hope to my heart. Many days, when my soul has been cast down, the Lord has lifted me up and set my feet on the rock by reminding me of His promises that I have hidden in my heart. As I have recalled who He is and what He has promised, hope has again filled my heart that He will give me His strength to keep going, keep fighting for my husband, keep caring for my boys, and keep doing all that He has called me to do.

Because I have always struggled with long-term memory, soon into my Bible memory plan I decided to spend one day each week reviewing all of the verses I had memorized so far. Over the course of the last two years, I can say that the times I have spent reciting verses have been some of my sweetest times with the Lord. As I have meditated on promise after promise, I have found that the Lord has used those times to encourage and give life to my soul. One day last fall, in the midst of a particularly painful season, I sat down to write a short list of promises I could cling to. As I wrote, verse after verse flooded to my mind, with promise after promise breathing new hope into my heart.

• The Lord is with me wherever I go. 
• He gives me strong support. 
• He upholds my hand. 
• He blots out my transgressions for His own sake and will not remember my sins. 
• If the Lord wills, we will live and will do this or that. 
• Jesus came to seek and to save the lost. 
• His way is perfect. 
• He is a shield for me as I take refuge in Him. 
• His peace will guard my heart in Christ Jesus. 
• He is my salvation. 
• Even to gray hairs, He will carry me. 
• He has made and He will bear; He will carry and will save. 
• God’s plans for me are for welfare and not for evil, to give me a future and a hope. 
• Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning. 
• His anger is for a moment, but His favor is for a lifetime.
• Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

And the list goes on and on. Just in the past three weeks, as things have become more difficult again, God’s promises from Psalm 27 have breathed fresh life into me. As I cling to the promise that the Lord is the stronghold of my life, I am reminded that my heart has no reason to fear. The Lord has hidden me, and will continue to hide me, in His shelter in the time of trouble. “I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!”

As I have hidden God’s word in my heart, I have found time and time again that His promise that His word does not return void is absolutely true. His Word has taken hold in my heart. It has changed me and is continuing to change me. By God’s grace, God has used His Word to give me hope when life seems hopeless, joy when there is nothing to be happy about, strength when all around me gives way, trust in Him even when darkness hides His face, and a strong belief that He truly is faithful and His steadfast love endures forever.

I am not writing these words as a story about me and what I have done.  This is a story about God and what He has done. This is a testimony of how God has used the memorization of His Word to do a powerful work in my heart. The discipline of memorization is not always easy. Some days I just want to be lazy and read Facebook or listen to the radio rather than doing the hard work of memorizing a verse. Other days, my heart is cold, and I go through the review of verses without even thinking about the truths within them. But more often than not, God uses the discipline of memorization to awaken within my heart a longing to know Him more, a desire to praise Him, and a peace and joy that surpass all understanding as I rest in His promises.

“How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth!” Psalm 119:103

Indispensable

Last fall I wrote this letter to publicly thank Wesley's one-on-one helpers at church, and with the beginning of a new school year, I thought it appropriate to share it again:

What you do each Sunday may not seem like much. You show up to the 3s and 4s class and play with a sweet little boy, helping him to participate in Sunday School and reminding him how to act appropriately. It may feel like what you are doing is unimportant or that it goes unnoticed. But in working with Wesley each Sunday, you are serving the least of these. You are enabling him to participate in Sunday School, and you are blessing us, his family, by making it possible to attend church each Sunday. You may not know this, but most families who have a family member with a disability don't attend church at all, because it is just too difficult. Because of what you do, you are giving our family the gift of not being a part of this statistic. Your care for Wesley blesses our entire family each and every Sunday.

1 Corinthians 12:18-23 says, "God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. As it is, there are many parts, yet one body. The parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and on those parts of the body that we think less honorable we bestow the greater honor."

According to the Merriam Webster dictionary, indispensable means "Not subject to being set aside or neglected; absolutely necessary; essential."

Our son is a five year old with a disability, but yet he is indispensable to the congregation of Redeemer Community Church. He is absolutely necessary to the body of Christ. And what you do each Sunday is actively ensure that he is not set aside or neglected.

You may not get much praise for what you do. In fact, most people may never know the ways you serve so selflessly each and every Sunday. But our Heavenly Father sees. And I am certain that your care for Wesley is pleasing in His sight. What you do for the least of these, you are doing for Him.

We can never thank you enough, but we pray that you know God's pleasure each Sunday as you care for our son, a boy made in the image of God.

New Beginnings

Last Wednesday was a day of new beginnings for us. Both Zach and Wesley started their first day of this school year at new schools. While there was much apprehension on my part, a few nervous jitters in Zach’s stomach, and confusion in Wesley’s sweet little mind as to why things were different and what was happening, it brings me much joy to say that the first week of school has been a raging success.

Wesley’s kindergarten team has labored tirelessly to give him the best chance of success, and we have been so blessed by their collaboration and their sweet care of our precious son. While Wesley’s first week of school has not gone without hiccups, the open communication between us and his school and their obvious desire to provide the best possible education for him have made it all worthwhile. We are very excited about all that the Lord has in store for him this year.

Due to schedule conflicts with Wesley’s elementary school, Zach also transitioned to a new private school this fall. We were all a bit anxious about how easy the transition would be, so I have been thankful to hear his excitement at the end of each day. Zach loves the new uniforms, is thrilled to have his new school’s magnet on the back of our van (removing our old school’s magnet this summer was a sad moment for him), and has been blessed with a very sweet second grade teacher.

Every year, my prayer for my boys is that God will grant them favor with their teachers (and in Wesley’s case, teacher’s assistants, therapists, and school administrators) and classmates and bless them with one good friend. While I do not know what the future will hold, it is encouraging to me to see this year off to a great start.

And of course, this year includes new beginnings for Liam as well. This will be his first year with Mommy to himself. I think this will be a good year for us!

The Power of a Word

After a lengthy and formal process, Wesley was diagnosed with autism this past Friday. I hope to write more on this at a future time, but for now, these are the thoughts that cross my mind as I chokingly whisper the phrase "Wesley has autism" and seek to grasp all that this entails.

It hurts.

It explains.

It grieves my soul.

It provides help.

It crushes hope.

It offers hope.

It devastates dreams.

It leads us down a new path.

It closes doors.

It opens even more.

It fills my heart with questions.

It gives answers.

It increases fears.

It grants opportunities.

It breaks my heart.

It points me to healer of the broken.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows. Isaiah 53:4a

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: the steadfast love of The Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him." Lamentations 3:21-24

IEP Miracles

To truly begin at the beginning, I must go back to the meeting we had with Wesley's team at school last November, the one in which we pushed for Wesley to have more time each day in an inclusion classroom. At this meeting, we were stonewalled, with his team refusing to increase his time in inclusion since they had no data to support that he would be successful in such an environment. Of course, there would be no way to acquire such data without placing him in the classroom and collecting the data, which becomes a cyclical problem. With no placement in an inclusion class, you can collect no data. With no data, you cannot be placed in the class.

After much pushing on our part, toward the end of this meeting we saw God work in the hearts of these ladies in a powerful way. While standing firm on their stance that Wesley could not have more minutes in an inclusion classroom each day, they did agree to move around the times that he attended this class so that he could participate in circle time and learning times rather than just in center and free play times.  Looking back, I can see how God burdening us to push for this is part of what He used to completely change the trajectory of Wesley's education.

Fast forwarding to this past January, Mike and I began discussing and making plans for how we would make adjustments to our family life over the next six years to accommodate for Wesley's schooling. We had been told for two years that the only self-contained classrooms in our district were in elementary schools on the south end of our district, which are 30-40 minutes away from us. So we planned on having Wesley bused far away for his elementary school years. We assumed, based on his placement during preschool and the school's resistance to his time in inclusion being increased, that he would obviously be placed in one of these self-contained classrooms.

Then, toward the end of February, Wesley's teacher told us that as part of the preparation for transitioning to elementary school, representatives from both his home school and the school with the self-contained class came in and evaluated him. She was very surprised, and told me with much excitement in her voice, that Wesley's home school thought there was a possibility that they could provide for all his needs with their top levels of support. At that point, a lot of people began evaluating Wesley, looking at what he needs, and comparing it to what is provided at both our home school and the school that has the self-contained class he would be placed in. At his IEP (Individualized Education Plan) meeting, everyone would present their perspectives on what they felt would be best for Wesley and where they would recommend that he be placed.

Obviously, we felt that it would be best for our family as a whole if Wesley attended a school just 10 minutes from our home. And it was exciting to think that he could be in a less restrictive environment with more opportunities to interact with his peers along with many pull-out times for individual teaching. But more importantly, we just wanted Wesley to be placed in the school that was the best fit for him with the best opportunities for him to learn and be successful. And we wanted him to be placed with a teacher who was a good fit for him. We were cautiously excited as we thought of the possibility of Wesley being nearby this next year, but we didn't want to make this decision based solely on our convenience. 

Whatever the outcome, our conversation with Wesley's teacher was another moment when I was reminded of how great our God is. He cares for Wesley, and He cares for our family. He knows what is best for us, and He can move mountains to provide for His precious children. He can open up opportunities for Wesley that didn't even exist and provide options that we didn't even know to ask for (and that wouldn't have even been possible, except that suddenly they were!)

Isaiah 46:3-4 says, "Listen to me, O house of Jacob, all the remnant of the house of Israel, who have been borne by me from before your birth, carried from the womb; even to your old age I am he, and to gray hairs I will carry you. I have made, and I will bear; I will carry and will save." God created Wesley in his image, with his own unique strengths and weaknesses, and He promises that even to Wesley's old age, He will carry him. He has made Wesley, and as our loving Heavenly Father, He will bear our burdens for us and with us that we bear with Wesley on this earth. He will carry us and uphold us through each unique trial and joy that we face due to the unique way that He created Wesley. And one day, if Wesley trusts in Him, He will ultimately and completely save him!

So, we prayed.  We prayed that Wesley having the opportunity to attend school at his home elementary school would be one of the ways that God chose to carry us and help bear our burdens over the next six years.

Last week, on the morning of Wesley's IEP meeting, a friend sent me the following verses from Exodus 14:13-14: "And Moses said to the people, "Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the LORD, which he will work for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall never see again. The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent."" As I read those words, I felt The Lord giving me His peace that surpasses all understanding. We had no reason to fear or be anxious as we went into our meeting that morning. The Lord would fight for us, and for Wesley, and we had only to be silent. As I prayed that The Lord would actively move mountains on Wesley's behalf, I was very aware of His peace flooding my soul.

Wesley's IEP was very different this year than it has been in years past. His teacher and therapists had taken all of our goals for Wesley into consideration and written 11 excellent goals targeting his greatest needs. As well, unlike in years past where we had to push for adaptations and supplements to be added, they were very willing to add all the supplements/adaptations to his IEP that we felt were important for him to learn to the best of his abilities.

When it was time to talk about placement, Mike and I quickly realized that every single person at the table believed that Wesley has grown so much in the past year that the best place for him to be for kindergarten was in an inclusion classroom at his home school. The special education teacher at his home school explained how he would be pulled out with her for times of 1-on-1 or small group teaching, she would go into the classroom to help him throughout the week, he would receive extra assistance for PE, art, music, recess, lunch, and any times in the classroom that he needed it, and they would provide all adaptations (seating, sensory breaks, etc...) he needed to succeed.

As we listened, I realized that there was nothing we needed to ask for; no areas in which we needed to fight for our son. God had gone before us, fighting for his precious Wesley, and we had only to hold our peace and be silent.

When we walked back to Wesley's classroom with his teacher, she was very excited to tell us that this is an amazing opportunity for Wesley, most elementary schools in our district don't provide the extent of supports that Wesley will be provided, she is absolutely amazed and surprised herself with the amount of 1-on-1 help Wesley will receive in an inclusion classroom, she is beyond thrilled that he will not be in a self-contained classroom next year, and she thinks he will thrive in his new placement.

Then today, the district kindly arranged for me to observe at our home school.  While watching the special ed teacher work with a small group of boys, I found myself thanking God for giving Wesley the gift of such an amazing teacher next year.  She truly is fantastic.  Her manner of teaching, her patience, her ability to manage the class while both effectively teaching four boys at different levels and also encouraging these boys to interact with each other and work on social skills, and her wealth of experience working with special children like Wesley were truly awe-inspiring to watch.  I continue to pray that his inclusion teacher will be equally amazing!

God has given Wesley an unexpected gift, and we couldn't be more thankful! We rejoice and thank God for providing for Wesley in amazing ways!

* photo credit Katie Fenska Photography http://katiefenskaphotography.blogspot.com/

Christmas Play Scheme

The Christmas season has always been my favorite time of year.  With the sparkling lights, brightly decorated homes and stores, jingling music, and beautifully decorated cookies, each day is filled with excitement and anticipation.  But in the midst of all the excitement, I want my children to know who it is that we celebrate each Christmas and why we celebrate Him. Even more than the anticipation that builds up in their little bodies as they wait to open their Christmas presents, I want them to long with anticipation for the day when they see Jesus, their Savior, because they have learned about and rejoiced in God's love for them from the beginning of time, His promise to send a Savior, and His promise kept when He sent Jesus to be born a stable that glorious day.  Christmas is the day that God came to dwell with us, to keep His promise, and to give us eternal hope and joy.

I would like to take some time this Advent season to share some of our family traditions as we seek to keep Jesus at the center of this holy day even in the midst of the singing snowmen and twinkling lights that are so quick to catch my boys' attention.

When Zach was younger, one way that we would tell him the Christmas story was to re-enact it using the Fisher Price nativity set.  This year we discovered how we can do this with Wesley as well.  In school this fall, his teachers discovered that he does a good job of learning new play schemes when presented with visuals to guide his play.  We decided to implement this same strategy to help him act out the Christmas story using the nativity.

Each night, after reading the Christmas story to the boys, we pull out our visuals and walk Wesley through the play scheme.  As soon as he sees the visuals, he gets excited to act out each step.  He quickly starts searching for the angel and Mary so that he can begin to play. Right now, he needs significant assistance to act out the story, as this play scheme is much more complex than the play schemes he normally learns.  But it is my hope that not only will he be able to independently play through the entire play scheme by Christmas day, but he will also begin to understand the Christmas story as we talk about it each night.  Perhaps Jesus Himself will open Wesley's eyes to a childlike understanding of who He is and how much He loves Wesley.

Will you join me in praying to that end?

Juggling Life and Other Thoughts

After over a month of silence on my blog, it seems hard to come back.  These past few months have been a season of survival, with little reflection taking place. To just get out of bed each morning, accomplish everything that must be done that day without even tackling my long to-do list, and make it to the end of the day when I can fall back into bed and get a few hours of rest before starting all over again is considered a success.  I feel like I have been handed a full set of china dishes and assigned the task of juggling them.  Handling fine china is a delicate task, and juggling with it just seems plain foolish.  But yet, this is the lot I have been assigned in life, so this is what I do each day.  And each day, it seems, I drop at least one plate, pick up the pieces, glue it back together, and try again.

My mind is numb.  I struggle to process thoughts and conversations.  I find myself sluggish, moving more slowly than normal and unable to speed up.  My mind seems slow too.  The headaches are constant, a steady drone filling my head and lowering my tolerance level for all things loud and whiny. I am still going, putting one foot in front of the other as fast as possible, but it just feels like my body is trying its best to shut down.

In the midst of this, sitting down to write seems daunting.  But yet, there are so many things I wish I had taken the time to write down, to remember, this autumn.

Zach's birthday - his seventh.  He has walked through a very difficult year, and the scars are evident, but he strong, and I hope resilient.  I pray that God will restore his soul.

The turkey Wesley made at school on the day I observed - how he initiated going over to the art table during center time, cut the circle out - with scissors - all by himself, followed instructions, and completed the project.

Liam's birthday - his second.  Oh how I adore this boy.  His joy is a ray of light in the darkness.

Wesley's school placement this year, and how I visibly saw God's hand at work, changing hearts, moving mountains.

An update on Liam's development.  These past two years have opened my eyes to the struggles of families who have family members with invisible disabilities.  While Liam does not have a disability, his struggles are very real, and very invisible.  It is difficult to advocate for a child whose needs are not seen by the untrained eye.

Wesley's words, and phrases, and diction, and counting, and using visuals to learn new play schemes.

God's healing of Wesley's ears - it was a very unremarkable healing, but an unexpected gift nonetheless, which prevented the need for a fifth surgery.

My thoughts about my lot in life, what I had imagined or dreamed my life would be, and where it is.

Our photo shoot this spring with a photographer from Easter Seals - what an honor to be selected to have a photo of our boys prominently displayed in the entrance to our therapy center.

The miracle I witnessed - I who did not believe in miracles, or at least not miracles performed for me or those nearest and dearest to me.  As Leif Enger says, "No miracle happens without a witness.  Someone to declare, Here's what I saw.  Here's how it went.  Make of it what you will."  Someday, I want to take the time to open my heart, to share our miracle, that others can see what God has done and make of it what they will.

Our photograpy session this fall with a dear friend, who beautifully captured photos of our family, perfectly catching the personalities of each of our boys.

Potty training - successes and failures and where we are now.

Forgiveness.  Some things are hard to forgive, but the Lord is continuing to work on my heart, and in the process showing me more of who He is.  He keeps count of my tossings.  He puts all my tears in his bottle.  This I know, that God is for me.  My sufferings grieve him.  He sees them. He does not forget.  And vengeance is His; He will repay.

Perhaps someday I will go back and add to these thoughts.  For now, my goal is to enjoy the Christmas season with my family.  We have much to celebrate this year.

His Perfect Way In The Storm

"This God - his way is perfect; the word of the Lord proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him. For who is God, but the Lord? And who is a rock, except our God?" Psalm 18:40-31

It doesn't seem like my circumstances are good right now, and as I look around, it appears as if things are falling apart. But I can trust that God's way is perfect. He says it is, and His word proves true. Even now, I can look back and see how God has provided for us in the past and how His word had always proven to be true. He has been faithful to us, given us new mercies every morning, and showered us with His steadfast love. And that hasn't stopped today. And it won't ever stop.

As I look around at my circumstances and fear rises within me, I quickly realize that there is nowhere else to go, no one else to whom I can appeal. There is no rock except our God. Health is not a rock I can stand on. Job security is not a rock I can stand on. Respite from the hardships of life is not a rock I can stand on. But as I stand on Jesus, my solid rock, He will be a shield and a refuge for me. This doesn't mean the waves won't still crash on the rock and lap at my feet, and the rain won't still pour down on me. But my feet are steady on the rock, and my body is shielded from the rain.

I have found refuge in the Lord, and in Him my hope is secure. 

Oh Lord, help me to quiet my soul, be still, and wait patiently for you. Calm my anxious thoughts. For you will not allow me to be cast headlong. You will uphold my hand. (Psalm 37)

Suffering and God's Goodness

"Why does God create babies that have disabilities, or that can't live?  Why would He do that since He loves his people?"

This was the question I heard from my six year old's lips one night at the dinner table.  This was the question I struggled to answer as tears streamed down my face.  This was the moment I had been waiting for, but yet my heart was crushed within me as I struggled to answer his question.

Four years ago, when Wesley was born, Zach was only two-and-a-half years old, and he had no idea that there was anything different about his brother.  Sure, he noticed that we now went to countless doctors' appointments and that therapists often visited the house to spend time playing with his brother, but to him, this was his new normal.  Didn't all babies receive therapies to teach them how to do new things?  Didn't all babies visit multiple specialists to closely examine every part of them and address health concerns?  Even as Wesley grew older and his differences became obvious to others, Zach never seemed to notice.  He loved Wesley for who he was and was oblivious to the fact that other children his age had far surpassed him developmentally.

But this past year, Zach's eyes have begun to open to the reality that his brother is different.  He has been listening to the adults around him discuss his brother for four years now, and as he grows up, he is beginning to understand everything we have been talking about.  A few months ago, as Wesley was stimming, my head turned sharply in surprise as Zach casually said "Wesley does that because he has special needs."  Thus began our conversations about how God creates everyone different.  We have discussed how God creates some people that are tall, some people that are short, some people that learn things quickly, and some people who need extra help and time to learn things.  Then we talk about how God loves everyone and how He creates everyone exactly the way He intends.  We are all fearfully and wonderfully made.  God has not made any mistakes.

These are easy topics to discuss when the conversation is generalized.  I have had many opportunities to talk with Zach about being kind to others who are different than us, being patient with others who do not learn things as quickly as we do, and loving others even when their differences annoy us.  The conversation is much more difficult when we talk specifics.  My own faith is tested as we talk about Wesley and as Zach asks specific questions about what these delays really mean for him.  Do I really know that God's works are wonderful?  Does my soul know it very well?  I often fight back tears when Zach discusses the future, casually mentioning things such as "you will be a grandma when Wesley and Liam and I have children".  My heart is crushed within me as I sadly smile at him, not ready to give him the full picture quite yet.  He will know soon enough.

But none of these conversations have been as difficult as the night that Zach asked me why.  I listened to the trust in his voice as he asked these questions with the faith of a child. He was not accusing God of anything, but seeking to understand, in his young mind, why the God that he knows to be good and loving, and who creates all things fearfully and wonderfully, would choose to create a child in such a way that they would suffer or even die.  And as I tried to answer my son, stumbling over the words, I wept.  In that moment, it felt as if I had a minute or two to explain God's goodness in the midst of suffering in words that a six year old could understand, but no words were sufficient to the task.  Nothing felt adequate.  So, I stumbled through answers about the effect of sin in this world, the promise that God will work all things for good, and the truth that really, I just don't know.  I don't know why God creates babies with holes in their hearts, non-functioning or deformed organs, life-threatening diseases, and other physical and cognitive disabilities.  I don't know why He created Wesley with a chromosomal abnormality either.  But, I do know that God is good.

And so, that's what we talk about, Zach and I.  I don't know what the future holds.  I don't know why God has allowed Wesley's specific sufferings.  But I know that God is good.  I believe this with all my heart.  And, more than anything, I want Zach to believe this too. Disability will be a part of his life, so I pray that even though he may not understand the whys of disability, he will trust that since God has formed Wesley's parts, knitting him together in his mother's womb, this means that Wesley is fearfully and wonderfully made.

For now, when Zach speaks about Wesley's special needs, he speaks of them in a matter-of-fact way.  Disability doesn't pain him or make him think any less of Wesley.  It just is what it is. But I hear a tenderness in Zach's voice when he brings up this topic.  For example, just this week, as we observed one of Wesley's therapy sessions from the two-way glass, I saw a look of concern come into Zach's eyes as he saw Wesley's therapist pull out something new and set it up.  He turned to me with apprehension and said, "That is too hard for a four year old with special needs. Does Miss Jess know that Wesley has special needs?" His heart of compassion and love for his brother is beautiful, and his innocence as he asks these questions touches my heart.

As Zach grows older, his innocence will fade and the realities of disability will set in.  But I pray that when they do, his trust in God and belief in God's goodness and perfect plan in the midst of disability will remain.

Joy and Pain

A dear friend recently said that enormous loss tears a person into two.  It divides the heart so that no emotion will ever again be whole and unmixed.

As I sat on our deck this afternoon, enjoying the laughter coming from my two little boys playing together, these words rang in my ears.  You see, this was the first time I watched their roles completely flip, the older following as the younger led.  My boys had been playing a game in their play house, darting in and out of the front door and slamming the shutters on the windows open and closed as they played a wordless game of peek-a-boo. I was lost in my thoughts, listening to them giggle together, when suddenly I realized Liam was climbing the steps of the deck, holding a broken-off shutter, and saying "Mommy, help! Window! Fix it!" Wesley followed close behind, watching his younger brother closely with his head cocked to one side.  Looking at the two of them, I was so proud of my younger son for taking initiative, coming to me for help, and verbally asking me to do something rather than just screaming. Since he watches his older brother so closely, seeking to imitate every move of the brother he so very much adores, we are working hard to remind him to talk to us when he needs help rather than just yelling.  And today, he did.  He ran across the entire yard to ask me to help him fix his problem.  He even brought the shutter just in case it wasn't clear.

But even as my heart filled with joy, delighting in how my younger son was not only taking the lead in coming to me for help but also setting a beautiful example for his big brother, I also felt that deep, throbbing pain creeping back up to the surface as I looked past my precious baby and into his big brother's eyes.  The confused but yet trusting look in my big boy's eyes pierced my soul as my heart broke for him once again.  It felt as if I was watching a pivotal moment, where big brother was relinquishing his role to little brother, realizing the tide had shifted and it was time.

As I watch my boys grow up together, I am sure that this divided heart will become a constant fixture within me.  Joy will often be pierced with sorrow.  There is just no way around it.  It was never supposed to be this way.  This was never supposed to happen.

Jesus, give me the strength to walk this road.  Some days it feels as though my heart will explode with pain and grief before I ever reach the end.  Do not let me lose heart.  Help me to keep my eyes on you, trusting that you will uphold me.  My broken and divided heart is in your hands.

"So we do not lose heart.  Though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day.  For this slight and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen.  For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:14-16

Wish Us Luck!