Remembering Summer Mornings

 My Dear Zach,

I have not forgotten about you!  I'm sure if you were keeping a list, my lack of writing a post about you after promising one several weeks ago could be just one more example of the countless times I have neglected you to address some urgent or pressing issue.  While I know you do not understand right now, I pray that some day you will be able to look back and see that I do love you very much.  I am doing my best to prioritize needs when caring for my family in a very difficult season, and I am very aware that you are getting the short end of the stick.  But I am entrusting you to the Lord and am praying that He will be for you what I can never be.  He will never be too busy to listen to you or help you.  You always have his attention.  Just as you cannot at this moment grasp how great my love for you is, God's love for you is so much greater even than mine that it is beyond our comprehension.

As we enter what appears to be a long, busy, and difficult season, I want to take a minute to remember God's gift to us this summer.  With Wesley at summer school and Liam taking morning naps, God blessed you and I with time together that we have not had since Wesley was born.  The hours seemed to fly by each morning as it always felt our time was cut short. But during these hours each morning, I had the opportunity to catch a glimpse of your heart and enjoy seeing more of who you are.

My favorite memories of this summer are of cuddling on the couch with you, my arm wrapped tightly around you, while reading The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe aloud.  The Chronicles of Narnia have long been some of my favorite books, and it has been such a joy to share this love with you.  Talking about these stories, explaining things when they are confusing to you, and having the opportunity to talk about Jesus with you have been the highlight of my summer.  How I love listening to you as you explain the allegories, going through the story step by step and telling me exactly who each character represents.  Sometimes your theories are not accurate, but either way, your enthusiasm is contagious.

You have become a book worm this summer!  Every time I turn around you are reading something, from your Lego magazine to my emails (yes, you read over my shoulder) to whatever book you can get your hands on.  Earlier this summer a friend recommended the Magic Treehouse book series as something you might enjoy.  After looking at the books in the library, I was sure that they would be far too advanced for you, so I didn't check them out. But in August I decided to bring one home just to see what would happen.  You sat down on my bed, enraptured with the tale of the black knight, and didn't move for two hours.  In those two hours, you read the entire book.  I soon learned that when checking out books from the library, I needed to check out three or four chapter books at a time in order to increase the time between visits.

Then a month ago you decided to tackle something even bigger.  You asked if you could start reading The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe all by yourself.  At first I supposed that you weren't really comprehending what you were reading, but then you started coming to me and reading a few sentences out loud that you found to be funny or silly.  I quickly realized that you understand much more than I originally thought.  I now regularly find you sitting and reading on the couch, a chair, or even my bed.

But my greatest joy is your desire to read the Bible each morning.  While I sit on my bed and read each morning, you climb in and join me.  I smile as I watch you carefully open up your Bible and pull out your bookmark to continue reading where you last left off.  I pray that your excitement about reading God's Word will not wane with time but will only grow as you learn more of who He is.  And more than that, I pray that God will use these words that you are reading now to draw you to a saving knowledge of Himself.

Another activity we enjoyed working on together this summer was math.  Math has always been one of my favorite subjects (someday we can talk more about how Mommy majored in math in college), so it has been a joy to share this love for math with you.  Sometimes it was hard to stop you as we would work through page after page in the math book I ordered for you.  Your eyes would light up with excitement as you learned new concepts and applied them to different activities.  There were times when I had to turn away to hide a smile as you informed me that math book number one was too easy and I should order number two for you.  Don't worry, Zach!  The math in this book will get harder as we go along.  We are only one fourth of the way through it.

Your mind truly is analytical in the way it thinks.  When you look at the top row of Legos at the store and inform me that they cost $99.99, which is only one cent less than $100, I have to smile.  That is exactly what I was thinking, too, Zach.  The only difference is that I know the value of $100 and am amazed that those Legos are really worth that much.  Other times you count up the change from my wallet and put it into your piggy bank, telling me exactly how much is going in and how you are saving it to give to friends who are adopting a sweet baby boy.  Your heart for orphans truly is beautiful to behold.

There are so many more things I could say about you, my precious son, but this letter to you is already three times (and several days) longer than I had originally intended it to be. While we still have our rough patches, I can truly say that this summer you have become my friend. There are times now when I see understanding in your eyes as I struggle through a particularly difficult morning.  In those moments, you are quick to help me, comfort me, and remind me that Jesus is with me.  Other times, we talk for hours, sharing the details of our days and just talking about life.  Then of course there are the afternoons we engage in friendly banter while competing against each other in games based mostly on luck.

I love you so much, and I am so thankful that in the midst of the busyness of life, God blessed us with such precious time together this summer.

Love,
Mom

Be Still My Soul

It is raining outside right now, and the wet darkness seems to reflect the weariness of my soul. The last few weeks have brought with them a busyness and a heaviness that is difficult to bear.  But in the midst of the darkness, God has spoken to my heart.  Psalm 46:10 says "Be still, and know that I am God.  I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!"

I don't need to understand why God is permitting certain things to happen.  I don't need to know what His purposes are or how He intends to work things for good.  I can rest in His promise that He is my refuge and strength.  He is my very present help in trouble.  Even if the worst possible scenarios come true, I need not fear.  Because He is God - my God - I can be still and rest in Him.

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
From His own fulness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

It Is Not Death To Die

Last night we received the long-awaited and yet dreaded phone call that Mike's grandfather had died.  While his health has been failing for years now, that does not lessen our sadness that he is no longer with us.  But despite our grief, we rejoice that this is not the end.  Pa is now with his Savior, where there is no more pain or suffering.

Because of the miles between us, the boys and I never knew Pa very well.  In fact, Liam never had the opportunity to meet his paternal great-grandfather.  But despite this, we have only fond memories of him.

One of my first memories of Pa was of the time he took Mike and I out for dinner on our first visit to Boston after getting married.  I remember fighting back tears as he spoke of his life and the hope that he had because he had placed his faith in Jesus as his Savior.  Seeing his sincerity of heart, his clear articulation of the gospel, and his longing for heaven brought me such joy.  In fact, it was as I recalled this conversation last night that the following lyrics came to mind:

Oh Jesus, conquering the grave
Your precious blood has power to save
Those who trust in You will in Your mercy find
That it is not death to die.

I am so thankful that because Pa trusted in the precious blood of Jesus, he experienced God's mercy last night and found that it is not death to die.

Pa always had a special place in his heart for our boys, and they responded by loving him dearly.  I laugh when I think back to our trip to visit Pa when Zach was almost two.  Pa and Zach were sitting in the back of our rental car, and as we drove past the scenery, Pa pointed out historical landmarks such as the one-room school house that Zach would have attended if he had lived nearby.  Then Pa, with his Bostonian accent, pointed out several cars (cahs), and Zach in his sweet voiced piped up, "I don't see any cows!".  Both Pa and Zach cried when they said goodbye at the end of this visit.  It broke my heart to separate the two of them.

We visited again when Wesley was 17 months old, and Wesley and Pa quickly became good friends.  Wesley loved to walk over to Pa, and Pa was always quick to reach out and save him when he would trip.  Of course, Wesley nearly pulled Pa over several times in the process. Every time I would look over at the two of them, Pa would have a big smile on his face as he soaked up every moment of doting on his great-grandson.

This was a special trip for us, as I think we knew in our heart of hearts that this would be the last time we would see Pa in this world.  So we made the most of every moment, bringing Pa along on our trips to the zoo and the Boston Children's Museum.  I think we wore him out, but it was well worth it.

In many ways Pa was like a father to Mike, and I will always be grateful for the ways he invested into my husband's life.

It is not death to die
To leave this weary road
And join the saints who dwell on high
Who've found their home with God
It is not death to close
The eyes long dimmed by tears
And wake in joy before your throne
Delivered from our fears

It is not death to fling
Aside this earthly dust
And rise with strong and noble wing
To live among the just
It is not death to hear
The key unlock the door
That sets us free from mortal years
To praise You evermore

The Challenges of Writing Publicly

My Dearest Zach,

Your Daddy recently informed me that I do not write about you often enough on my blog.   He's right; I'm guilty as charged.  Writing publicly is a difficult thing, and I want to compose thoughts that are both honoring to the Lord and also edifying to those who read them.  As well, to be honest, it is easier to write about the struggles and joys of raising a child with special needs.  I can write about our times of stumbling and our moments of excitement in such a way as to give people a glimpse of what life is like with a family member with special needs, encourage others who walk a similar road to us, and remember where we are now.

On the other hand, when I write about you, I know that one day you will probably read every word.  Therefore, I am particularly thoughtful of what I write about you, for I don't want to say things you will one day wish had been left unsaid.  I don't want to plaster your sins out on the internet for all to see.   As well, I have no desire to brag about your accomplishments.  This is not because I am not proud of you, for I am!  I could never even begin to express to you how very proud I am of you and how much I love you.  Words are not enough to tell you how much you mean to me and how very thankful I am that God blessed our family by giving you to us.

Over the past three years, I have learned even more how painful it is to watch others brag about their children and how much this can tempt us to compare our own children to others. I do not ever want to compare you to other children, and I do not want others to compare their children to you.  Either I will find you to be advanced or better behaved or more godly and pride myself in having a superior child, or I will find you to be lacking and be disappointed.  But God has created you exactly the way He wants you to be. He has given you your mind and your personality.  He didn't make you to be someone else, and I don't ever want you to be someone else.  As well, I don't ever want any other parent to wish their child was like you.  You are unique created by God, and with that come the singular blessings and challenges of being you.

But most of all, I do not want you to ever take pride in your accomplishments, for all that you have is given to you from the Lord.  My greatest prayer for you is that you will love the Lord with all of your heart and walk humbly with your God.

Please forgive me for my lack of writing about you as I struggle in my heart with how to record these first years of your life.  Know that you are my precious and very loved firstborn son and that the lack of words about you on this blog are no indication otherwise.

That being said, I have taken your father's concerns to heart, and this next post will be all about you.

I love you, my precious son!

Love,
Mom

Thus says the Lord: “Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth.  For in these things I delight, declares the Lord.”  Jeremiah 9:23-24

For who sees anything different in you?  What do you have that you did not receive?  If then you received it, why do you boast as if you did not receive it?  1 Corinthians 4:7

Staycation 2012: Conclusion

We concluded our vacation by returning to one of our favorite spots.  While visiting new places and seeing new things is exciting, coming back to a well-loved location is often much more relaxing and peaceful.

So on Friday night we packed up the boys and drove to "our" river walk.  Wesley excitedly exclaimed "kahkee" (water) and "viveh" (river) while running full speed ahead with his head turned to the side to get the best possible view of the water.  (Yes, he often runs into things while looking sideways, and yes, this explains the large bruises on his shins.)

In the meantime, Zach gathered sticks and large branches to launch over the bridge. Collecting twigs, pine cones, and other floating tree matter to throw into the water and watch as it is whisked away in the current has become a favorite pastime of his over the years.

Upon discovering the camera, Wesley insisted that I take a picture of him.  How could I resist this sweet little face?

After enjoying a delicious pasta dinner at our all-time favorite restaurant, we moseyed back over to the river walk to enjoy frozen yogurt and dance to live music.

Even our little guy enjoyed tasting frozen yogurt, sitting in the grass, and watching the show. Although in truth, he only had eyes for his big brother.

While we were sorry to see this week come to a close, we look forward with great anticipation to many more fabulous vacations together!

Until next year!

Staycation 2012: Day 5

Staycation 2012: Day 4

Happy Anniversary to the love of my life!  It has been 9 years since that wonderful day when we said "I do", not knowing what the future held but knowing we wanted to share it together. How very blessed I am to share my life with you, Mike!  I love you and look forward to growing old with you, come what may.  I could not have asked for a better gift, for in you God gave me a husband who loves the Lord, faithfully seeks Him, loves me and our boys, and perseveres in running the race set before us without losing heart. 

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever.  Psalm 136:1