Trusting God's Perfect Plan

How does one parent a supposedly normally developing child who is born into a family directly after a child with special needs? It often seems that a parent has one of two options - to over-think and evaluate every little detail of this child's life, constantly agonizing over whether this child is following a normal pattern, or to tell oneself that everything is fine and brush off any concerns under the assumption that a doctor's clean bill of health is sufficient assurance that there is nothing to fear.

What is not commonly known is that the knowledge of developmental sequences we have learned in raising Wesley has enabled us to identify concerns in Liam's development that we otherwise would have most likely missed. Knowing what developmental progressions look like has been both a blessing and a curse as we have followed Liam much more closely than we would have preferred to do, noting delays and praying that God would give us wisdom to know if we are overreacting or if our concerns are legitimate.

As I previously wrote, our fight for faith began when Liam was first born. He followed in his brother's footsteps, unable to nurse for his first two weeks of life. Then, when Liam was a month old, Wesley's physical therapist commented that Liam seemed delayed in his gross motor skills. She gave us exercises to do with him and encouraged us to work with him daily with the hope of avoiding the necessity of calling Early Intervention for a physical therapy evaluation. After several months of working faithfully with him, we were relieved to see him start sitting up at six months.

But just as Liam seemed to catch up with his gross motor skills, red flags started showing up with feeding and fine motor skills. We persevered in attempting to feed him solids for two months while listening to others tell us that it was not at all uncommon for children to take their time in learning to eat and that we were only concerned because of our previous experiences with Wesley. We wavered often, wondering if the signs that something was wrong that seemed so obvious to us were really just misguided fears influenced by the past. Were we exaggerating his delays, or were our concerns justified? After asking God for wisdom and talking with multiple feeding therapists, we decided to bring Liam in for an evaluation on Friday.

As I look back, I am ashamed to say that I did not prepare my heart beforehand for what I might discover. Instead of praying and asking God to give me peace and joy amid my circumstances, I spent my time preparing for the practicals - finding childcare for my two big boys, packing spoons and bibs, gathering different flavors and textures of purees and finger foods, and filling out pages of forms.

But again, as He always has, God showed Himself to be faithful despite my faithlessness. Throughout the evaluation and even in sharing the results with others afterward, God filled my heart with peace. As the feeding therapist confirmed my suspicions of both feeding and fine motor delays, God enabled me to trust Him. This news was no surprise to God. And while it wouldn't be the way I would plan out my son's life, my heart was filled with peace with the knowledge that God has ordained every one of my son's days. And more than that, He loves my son.

As I walked out of the therapy center with my precious baby, the words to an old children's song came to mind: "Second verse, same as the first, but worse." But yet, it wasn't worse. While my heart was saddened by the news, I was also very aware of how much God has worked in my heart over the past three years. This time, my heart naturally turned to trust in God's steadfast love. There was no struggle and fight to see God's goodness or to believe His promises. Instead I was able to sing to the Lord and see that He truly had dealt bountifully with me.

So Liam will start weekly feeding therapy next week, and we will continue to observe him for a few more weeks before pursuing an occupational therapy evaluation.

And even in this, I see how God's plan is perfect and how His purposes for us are for our good. My big boys will be starting school in two weeks, which will open up several hours each morning to pursue therapy for Liam and to work with him uninterrupted. While I had looked forward to several hours of free time each morning, I am again reminded that my time is not my own but the Lord's, to use as He sees fit. And I am truly thankful that God has provided me with this lull in an otherwise hectic schedule to care for my baby.

But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord because he has dealt bountifully with me. Psalm 13:5-6