Brothers & Best Buds

As every younger brother does, Wesley adores his older brother, following him wherever he goes, getting into his stuff, preferring his toys, laughing at his every joke (even when it's not funny), and imitating his every move.

The other evening, the boys went outside to play together.  Just being able to say that brings such joy to my heart.  My boys play together!  I can send them outside without watching Wesley every moment and trust that Zach will keep an eye on him and they will have fun. They enjoy each other's company, and Wesley now understands the concepts of simple games enough that he can join in the fun and take turns.

Anyway, Zach and Wesley went out in the backyard to play ball, and my mommy heart was so touched as I watched them kicking the ball together and chasing it all around the yard. Zach's exuberant yells and encouraging words to Wesley were punctuated by Wesley's gleeful giggles.

One of the things I was most saddened by when we received Wesley's diagnosis was that Zach would not have that same brother bond and friendship with Wesley as he would have had if Wesley were a normally developing child.  While it still hurts at times when I see Zach play with other boys Wesley's age in ways that he can't play with Wesley, I am reminded as I watch the two of them play that Zach isn't disappointed with Wesley.  He doesn't wish that Wesley were different.  This is all that he knows, and he is perfectly content with how things are.  While we have talked with him about Wesley's special needs, Zach does not see Wesley's delays and differences.  He sees Wesley as a person.  As his younger brother.  And he loves him. He encourages him, laughs with him, teaches him how to do things, patiently plays with him, and of course fights with him and yells at him just as all big brothers do.

Zach taking a break while Wesley begs him to come play again.

Zach has learned what it means to share everything and to give of himself without expectation of anything in return.  Consequently, he has seen what a joy it is to share and to receive the gift of a smile from a younger brother who adores and loves him with every bit of his being.

While I don't know what their relationship will look like as they grow up, I am so thankful that God has given my boys to each other.  God has a wonderful plan for each of their lives, and I already see how having each other is one big way that God has blessed each of them.  They will be better for having each other and for walking alongside each other through thick and thin.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it his not arrogant or rude.  It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never ends.  1 Corinthians 13:4-8

My prayer for my boys is that they will grow up loving one another with patience and kindness, not insisting on their own way.  May Zach never boast arrogantly in his knowledge or be resentful of Wesley, and may Wesley never envy his brother.  May they bear and endure all things together as they walk side by side down the road of life, finding their hope in Jesus, their Savior.

The Miracle of Life

Raising a normally developing baby after a child with special needs has been quite an eye opening experience.

Every day I am filled with fresh amazement and awe as I look at how God has created us as humans and how easily and naturally things come to us.  We have been blessed with the gift of life, and we so often do not realize or even begin to grasp what a gift has been given to us.

I remember thinking when Liam was five and a half months old and nowhere near sitting up, that he was certainly lagging behind and wouldn't be sitting up for months.  Just two weeks later, he started sitting up on his own.  Just like that.  I sat him up, and he stayed there - for five minutes!  We didn't work with him.  We didn't do exercises to strengthen his core for months on end.  He just sat up.

Around this time, I noticed that Liam would pivot around in a circle to reach for toys that he lost.  This floored me.  I remember working on pivoting for what seemed like an eternity with Wesley.*  But it all just came so naturally for Liam.  We did not have to teach him the motor plan for moving and then train his muscles over a length of time.  He just realized that he lost his toy and pivoted to reach it as if it was a simple thing to do.  I, of course, knew better.  As I picked my jaw up off of the floor, I thanked God for giving me the eyes to see what a gift has been given to Liam.  He has been blessed with a body that naturally learns things without struggling to master the motor plan and gain the strength.

Then two weeks later, I looked over at Liam one day and realized he was up on all fours, rocking back and forth.  How could any child possibly go from sitting to rocking on all fours in just two weeks?  This is yet another miracle that we all take for granted.  God did not have to make it so easy for babies to learn things.  But he did.

I comforted myself with the fact that Liam was easygoing and seemed to enjoy sitting and observing his surroundings.  That, coupled with the fact that he had lagged behind in his physical development for the first few months of his life, assured me that it would be a while before he started crawling.

Not so!  Yesterday, just two days after he turned seven months old, Liam started army crawling.  As I watched him push off with his big toes and lunge forward awkwardly, several inches at a time, a priceless expression of delight and anticipation on his face, I fought back tears.  Mike ran for the camera, realizing that if we didn't capture the moment right then, we might miss it forever.  Liam is growing up faster than we can even blink.  Watching his little body and mind develop at lightning speed is awe inspiring.

To think that this is how God has created babies to develop is mind boggling.  Liam's development is nothing special.  He is just doing what babies do.

But Mike and I have been given the unique opportunity of seeing that our children's development is not just something to be expected and assumed.  It is a gift from God.  He did not have to create us to learn so quickly and absorb the world around us at lightning speed. But he did.  Life truly is a miracle.

May we never miss the gifts of God in the midst of the mundane everyday moments of life. May we never take this life for granted.

"I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well."  Psalm 139:14

* To this day (to date myself), every time I think of working with a baby on pivoting, I think of the FRIENDS episode where Ross yells "Pivot!" over and over again while he and Rachel and Chandler try to carry a couch up a corner staircase.  (I must add that while this show contains humorous moments, as a whole I do not endorse it.)

Joyful Heart

A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.  Proverbs 17:22

My son, your joyful heart is good medicine to all who know you.  Your constant smiles and laughter often bring life to my bones in the midst of wearying days.  May your heart be always full of joy in the Lord and may He use your joy to lift up and bless those around you.

First Date

I never intended for it to be a date.  I was just trying to get him out of the house for a few hours to give his Daddy a break as he recovered from surgery.  His big brother and I have been going out on dates for two and a half years now, but since he's never expressed interest (how could he?), I've never taken him out.  I mean, it's not like we could sit and chat together over a bowl of ice cream.

As I buckled him into his car seat and drove away, my only thought was for his father.  Even as we arrived at the park and gardens, I wondered how long he would last before desiring to return to the comforts of home. But as it turned out, our afternoon together was delightfully lovely.

With no one to slow us down, we enjoyed exploring the gardens at a rapid pace, running down the paths and scarcely noticing the beautiful flowers alongside us.  We studied the bridges and searched for the trickles of water underneath them, inspected the stones placed beside the walkways, and danced in the fountains.  Always running, just knowing the other was there to share the moment with us, we preferred the paved walkways as they lent themselves to greater speed and less likelihood of falling from unbalanced strides.

When we were thirsty we stopped for a shared apple juice, which hit the spot perfectly.

On the way home, I thanked God for giving me such a perfect first date with my son. Spending time with just him allowed me to enjoy his speed without trying to slow him down to fit the pace of our family.  Instead of constantly encouraging him to stretch his attention span, I explored the park with him at his preferred tempo and found it to be absolutely delightful.

Godliness with Contentment

Lately I have noticed that throughout my days, at those unexpected times when I am desperately in need of God's help to face whatever is at hand, I hear the quiet whisper of the Holy Spirit reminding me of the truth in God's Word and encouraging my soul.  This has come as a bit of a surprise to me, as I have felt dull toward the Word of God lately, struggling to recall what I read from the Bible each morning and feeling in general as if I am drifting.  Of course, feelings aren't necessarily a good judge of how one is doing, but I have felt as if the waters of life are swirling around me and all of my energy is spent fighting to survive.  I am clinging to the rock, trusting that it will save me, but as the waters crash against me, there is no time or bandwidth in my mind to meditate on the truths of God.  All I can do is cry out, "Save me Jesus", and believe that He will.

My arms are weary from clinging, and though I know that He will never let me go, I also know that I dare not let my grip slip, as I greatly fear the waters completely surrounding me as my head slips under before His hand reaches out to catch me.  I know that it matters not how strong my grasp, but the trustworthiness of that to which I cling, but yet, I also know that He never promised it would be easy.  So my muscles strain and my knuckles ache under the pressure that pushes me to just give up.

And then I look up at my Savior and hear His voice reminding me that godliness with contentment is great gain.  But how am I to be content in my circumstances?  My sinful heart is quick to compare my lot to those of others and find that mine is lacking.  I am often quick to become discontent with my lot in life, thinking that if somehow my circumstances were better, then I would be quick to rejoice in all things.

But God does not call me to contentment only when everything is going according to my perfect plan.

. . . I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:11–13

Contentment in the midst of trials is not something that comes naturally.  It is not easy to cease fighting the current and trust that God will sustain me.  It is nearly impossible to not only stop foolishly flailing but also rest in the strong grip of my Savior.  It is something that must be learned.  And it comes only through Christ, who gives me strength.

According to David Mathis at desiringgod.org,

Jesus is big enough to sustain us when we’re low. He’s strong enough to hold us when we’re at our weakest. We can do all things — not just the things we want most to do, but even (and especially) the things we want least to do — through Jesus who strengthens us.  

So when you’re at your highest, turn to Jesus in gratitude and for the strength to take the next step. And when you’re at your lowest, turn to Jesus in faith that he’ll provide for you the strength to keep going.  

It’s true — in Jesus we really can do all things — especially, be content in him in the midst of life’s most difficult, painful, and tragic circumstances. Leaning always on the Savior is learning the secret for everything.

Jesus, please help me to be content in You no matter what my circumstances, leaning always on my Savior.

Blowing Bubbles

This summer, one of our favorite activities is blowing bubbles on the front lawn.

Sometimes Zach runs around blowing bubbles while Wesley chases them, leaning down to inspect them carefully before popping them.

Other times, Wesley blows the bubbles himself.

Either way, much fun is had by all!

Six Months

My Dear Liam,

In five short days, you will be six months old!  How does the time pass so quickly?  With your older brothers, I was always anticipating what they would learn next and working with them to help them meet developmental milestones.  With you, I wish that I could just freeze time and enjoy you as you are now.  Moments turn to minutes, which turn to hours, days, weeks, and now half a year.  In just the blink of an eye, you've grown up on me without me getting enough out of those baby months with you.

Last night as I sat in bed nursing you, the house was silent with the peace of sleeping boys. You fell asleep in my arms, and although I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open, I held you and admired your every feature, pulling you close to me and feeling your chest rise and fall with each breath that brought you deeper and deeper into sleep.  As I rubbed your wispy blonde hair between my fingers and admired your little hand wrapped around my finger, I wished that somehow I could remember this moment forever.  Your peaceful expression and your sleepy smile as I whispered how much I love you were just so very precious.

When I open your door each morning, your head pops up like a rocket and you stretch as high as you can to see if you can find me in your dark room.  You frantically kick your legs and swing your arms, reaching for me as you impatiently wait for breakfast.  After eating, as I change your diaper, you giggle and give me your biggest toothless grin.  Once you are ready, we go into your big brothers' room.  As I dress Wesley, you happily roll around on the floor and play with your toys (or his).  I thank God every morning for blessing me with such a content baby.  I am continually amazed that you will play happily for 45 minutes each morning while I get your brothers ready for school.  You easily entertain yourself with your toys until I come to get you again.

You are our first baby to really want big people food.  Rice cereal is not your preference and squash is OK, but french fries and freezer pops and soda...now those are delicious!  You clearly know where soda comes out of the can, and every time you see Daddy with one, you reach for it and carefully manipulate the can to get the top to your mouth.  When Daddy pulls a freezer pop out of the freezer, your little tongue starts going a mile a minute as you wait for him to offer you a taste.  And when we go to Chipotle, you are thrilled that Wesley shares his guacamole with you.

You are also my first baby to really snuggle with me.  Your brothers never liked to be held facing in, but lately that seems to calm you when you are particularly upset.  Whenever I pick you up, you burrow your head into my shoulder and snuggle in for a moment before resting against me and lifting your head up to look around and explore the world.  You would be happy if I held you like this all the time, but unfortunately that leaves me with no free hands to help your brothers.

While I speak of firsts, you are also my first baby to really discover his toes!  I always laughed when therapists were concerned that Wesley did not play with his toes, because Zach never played with his either.  But you are fascinated with yours.  You lean down when you are sitting in your Bumbo seat so that you can inspect them carefully, and you grab at them as I change your diaper.  You would probably play with them more often if you didn't roll over onto your tummy as soon as I set you down on a blanket.  That makes playing with toes a bit more difficult.

Your smile brightens my life.  You are such a personable baby, looking intently at others and patiently waiting until they notice you.  As soon as someone looks your way, you break out your million dollar smile and get so excited that your little head bobbles as your legs kick and your hands wave.  Most of the time you are pretty quiet, content to observe the world around you, but in the last week or so you have started squealing quite loudly.  You also learned to babble "dada" and thoroughly enjoy the attention you get as we all gather around you and encourage you.

God has given you and Zach a special bond, and I love watching how he cares for you, talking so sweetly with you and making you giggle with his antics.  He loves to hug you and keep you happy.  The other day I caught him reading a book to you quite animatedly as you gave him your best belly laugh.  Wesley loves you too, but he is still learning to be gentle. Sometimes when he "gently" rubs your head, he puts a little bit too much pressure into it, and you are not a big fan.  And you don't know what to do with his energy when he runs straight toward you, narrowly missing you.  You close your eyes and brace yourself, not knowing if this will be the big blow you've been waiting for these past six months or just another close call.

Today I was reminded again of how unique you are when I pulled you out of your stroller and Wesley's new physical therapist commented that you look like neither of your brothers.  You are definitely not made in the mold of Zach or Wesley.  You are your own individual person, and even as a baby I am thoroughly enjoying watching as you do things so differently than your brothers did.  God has blessed me abundantly and far more than I deserve in giving you to me.  You are the third child that I never thought we would have, and I am so thankful that God saw fit to give you to us.  While I still wish that I could hold on to your baby sweetness for a bit longer, I look forward to enjoying each day as you learn new things and grow up to be the man that God has called you to be.

I love you, my sweet and precious son.

Love,
Mama