Friday, November 29, 2013

Juggling Life and Other Thoughts

After over a month of silence on my blog, it seems hard to come back.  These past few months have been a season of survival, with little reflection taking place. To just get out of bed each morning, accomplish everything that must be done that day without even tackling my long to-do list, and make it to the end of the day when I can fall back into bed and get a few hours of rest before starting all over again is considered a success.  I feel like I have been handed a full set of china dishes and assigned the task of juggling them.  Handling fine china is a delicate task, and juggling with it just seems plain foolish.  But yet, this is the lot I have been assigned in life, so this is what I do each day.  And each day, it seems, I drop at least one plate, pick up the pieces, glue it back together, and try again.

My mind is numb.  I struggle to process thoughts and conversations.  I find myself sluggish, moving more slowly than normal and unable to speed up.  My mind seems slow too.  The headaches are constant, a steady drone filling my head and lowering my tolerance level for all things loud and whiny. I am still going, putting one foot in front of the other as fast as possible, but it just feels like my body is trying its best to shut down.

In the midst of this, sitting down to write seems daunting.  But yet, there are so many things I wish I had taken the time to write down, to remember, this autumn.

Zach's birthday - his seventh.  He has walked through a very difficult year, and the scars are evident, but he strong, and I hope resilient.  I pray that God will restore his soul.

The turkey Wesley made at school on the day I observed - how he initiated going over to the art table during center time, cut the circle out - with scissors - all by himself, followed instructions, and completed the project.

Liam's birthday - his second.  Oh how I adore this boy.  His joy is a ray of light in the darkness.

Wesley's school placement this year, and how I visibly saw God's hand at work, changing hearts, moving mountains.

An update on Liam's development.  These past two years have opened my eyes to the struggles of families who have family members with invisible disabilities.  While Liam does not have a disability, his struggles are very real, and very invisible.  It is difficult to advocate for a child whose needs are not seen by the untrained eye.

Wesley's words, and phrases, and diction, and counting, and using visuals to learn new play schemes.

God's healing of Wesley's ears - it was a very unremarkable healing, but an unexpected gift nonetheless, which prevented the need for a fifth surgery.

My thoughts about my lot in life, what I had imagined or dreamed my life would be, and where it is.

Our photo shoot this spring with a photographer from Easter Seals - what an honor to be selected to have a photo of our boys prominently displayed in the entrance to our therapy center.

The miracle I witnessed - I who did not believe in miracles, or at least not miracles performed for me or those nearest and dearest to me.  As Leif Enger says, "No miracle happens without a witness.  Someone to declare, Here's what I saw.  Here's how it went.  Make of it what you will."  Someday, I want to take the time to open my heart, to share our miracle, that others can see what God has done and make of it what they will.

Our photograpy session this fall with a dear friend, who beautifully captured photos of our family, perfectly catching the personalities of each of our boys.

Potty training - successes and failures and where we are now.

Forgiveness.  Some things are hard to forgive, but the Lord is continuing to work on my heart, and in the process showing me more of who He is.  He keeps count of my tossings.  He puts all my tears in his bottle.  This I know, that God is for me.  My sufferings grieve him.  He sees them. He does not forget.  And vengeance is His; He will repay.

Perhaps someday I will go back and add to these thoughts.  For now, my goal is to enjoy the Christmas season with my family.  We have much to celebrate this year.